Last blog of the year. *excited*

EXCITED!


why?


Because....

I finally found light in treating myself a meal which i have never done before! ok, with some help from Aunty Jane and some research from my best friend, google!
I can't wait to go back for dinner. seriously!!!

This year, I plan to pamper myself!


ok, lets keep it as a mystery for what am i gonna prepare. haha. I have confident that it's gonna turn out good! woohoo!

Its gonna be a binging night. ALONE! i can't wait to spend some quiet and quality time alone at home, embracing with my meal and my passion towards cooking.

Its time to try new stuff. hehe...


TMR.... a day to pamper myself as well!  haha...

I'm so tired, i think i am deprive of sleep.. and i have a feeling that i need to go through a detox session next week. ^^


This weekend will be a hiatus for me, celebrating the start of my first weekend here. I think, its time to sit still, and observe, and to listen to the Voice within, quietly.


I have even thought of the first meal of 2014 that i'm gonna have tmr! hahaha!



*listening to Westlife, the exact same album makes me think of my last trip to Miri, how fast things can change within a few months.... and its for my own good. So far, i have no regrets for things that i have went through and the things that i have done, because... i am a person who never regrets on decision i made. thats me*

In the coming new year, i don't wish to change any good thing i have, but to improve myself, get less attached emotionally to people, live my own life according to my standards, get rid of the bad things and habits i have, be not cold and defensive to people, don't harden my heart further, and learn to love my enemies.
and... a breakthrough in my travelling life. ^^ as well as in the walk of Christ. =)

The rest of the ships which are temporary and never lasting, stay away. BEcause, i can't stand another heart break! HAHHAA. (yeah, u should open up my heart and see how wounded it is)


NEW YEAR 2014!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm letting Go........ ^^

Urgh...please!

Please... Dinner? Together? Thanks but no thanks.

I would rather die at home alone, die of good food, die of liquor..than meeting the thorn of my eye. Urgh... I feel so nauseated thinking about it.

Tmr... I feel like ditching the plan to FIRE. Lol. But I know I need to go.  Haha. New Year with a bunch of crazie people. LOL.

I can't wait for next month.:) haha... Seriously, next month!!!!^^

Today, I feel joy, firstly, objective achieved. Cleaned the house alone and cooked! It's exactly the meal that I crave for!^^ simple but satisfying, I cooked it with love. 

In life, we have to think for ourselves first. Because that's the only way you won't get hurt.  I have been thinking about others too much, overly done, and now,,, I realized that I am happier when I start to think about myself.  Put myself before others. Do what I wanna do, say no to whatever that I don't like, say yea to whatever that I wanna do. This is awesome. 

Following my heart^^ (thanks Rabia me Sher for this precious advise)

Don't blame me for my coldness, you earned this. Don't blame me for my stone heart, it can't be revert now... Only God can melt it.

Faced some problem at work, but through experience and days where god has blessed me with ability to stand firm on my own ground. 

I realize myself to be more firm than before, I dare to offer, I dare to say no, I dare to negotiate, I dare to NOT give in.

Thank you heartbreaks for all this! Seriously!:)

Tmr...will be a greater day.:) 

Mmm..... Shopping will be done tmr!:) guess I'm gonna reward myself on food tmr.:)

This year no glutinous rice ball for Winter Solstice, but... I have my own pampering recipe this year!:) gonna be back early to shop!^^

Good night! 

*enough booze of CSI->Binge!*

Time for books now!^^

random writes.

What does it sounds like, when you sing heaven's song?



I'm occupying myself with trips, and trips.

this weekend will be hiatus for me till i fly off again on 17.=)

Got that Chrsitmas note from hc, mmm.. can say that i am ignoring? or still finding myself to come back at the right distance.

I am glad i met Rabia... and i am glad i made effort to meet people, it really fills my soul up. because i gain insights with different people. There are days i wanna spend it alone as well, just like silent treatment for myself. Yeah, i dont feel like talking if i do feel so. but i hardly fall into this kind of mode. haha...

For the past few weeks, meeting people has been part of my life.  From new friends, new bosses, different races, different places to bondings + friendships.
Wow,,,, i really thank god for the days that i spent with them!

Just done with paper works, urgh.. never liked it. but i'm glad that i learn stuff!=)

Its raining cats and dogs here, and my mind is running wild with mum's cooking. yes, i didnt pack lunch for myself today. Anyway, thinking of rewarding myself tonight with my crave. I am craving for korean food. but sadly, no korean food here. Mmm... there is one place though! haha. its time to go back there again after so many months. =)

I'm feeling good these days, in the mood of resting, and cleaning my house. Yes, tonight's the night la. ^^ gonna clean and cook some food for myself because i reckon that i will wanna stay home and watch movies after cleaning the house. ^^


I'm so sleepy... heavy rain, and cold weather.


I miss cooking.. i mean home cooked food. lots of times where i am so tempted to just cook Maggie but i know i cannot break my JUNK RULE. no junk for me.  =)

Today is kind of busy for me, what about you?


I'm taking Yuki to another level...
Next month, if the time overlaps, i'm gonna perform in Semporna for fund raising. hahaha! *big dream*

Process...

A year plus in tawau.

It's gonna be the festive season again.

Not excluded, this year I'm spending it alone, with my house. Hahahaha.

Pathetic? No? Yes?

I don't know. But I kinda enjoyed it.:)

No strings attached. 

This house is just a house to sleep. No more chattings, no more fellowships.

Things will change!? I have no freaking idea.

I have not packed my stuff for tmr. I'm going away. Can't stand anymore, but I need to go find peace.

As a solo traveller, I'm bringing my daughter and HIM with me this time.

I thank god for everything that has happened. Without all these, I can't find myself, I can't find back my passion.

As much as others are obsessed with their life, and their partner, I'm obsessed with my own life as well.

I'm living young and free. Yeah, free. 

My mind is still replaying the broken Christmas promise of her to me, and I need to know from others that she is off to sdk for Christmas, left me here thinking 'what happened to our Christmas?'

It's just too heartbroken to rethink it again and again, anyway, this Christmas will be a special one for me!!!:) I know.

Currently, I'm too lazy to speak, I'm too tired to talk. I will rather indulge in my own life.

Whatever it is, like I mention.. Demoting process on!

I still wash my face with tears every morning while I drive to work, I am still hurtful and sad. BUT! I am now tougher, in me.

Just booked flights, I'm leaving off as often as I could, I don't wanna spend another day or weekend here mourning, gilak. I can go crazy.

I'm gonna spend time as much with those who really worth my time. 

For me, there is no more dinner dates from her, no more dates. Haha. Well, it's good that she has someone else to take care of her.*trying to be positive though that guy is a jerk in other's eyes* nevertheless, none of my business! Yippee!

I don't reject, I don't accept. I will just stand in neutral ground.

Damn... Hungry. Movie was awesome just now.^^

I really miss Tim, Linda, Sher.... I love them so so so much. My dear brother and sisters. Ahh... How I miss 2012 with them...

Just star gazed and I was so happy! Splendid view!;) 

I'm so hungry.... And... Practically no one actually care whether have I eaten d onot. Like I said, life changed.

I'm off responsibilities, and off alone. Maybe better off alone also.:)

I can't wait for days to come!

^^ 

Good night people.:) gonna feed my hungry stomach.

The Voice finale is awesome!!!!

God, i thank you for all the pain and sorrows, that I see light now. Without all these, I won't soar and live for You. Please take care of sister hc as I am not  gonna be there for her all the time now, but lord I promise you that I will still be there if she calls, and love her my own way. 

Pray for me that I will hear you more often. Thank you for your words this morning whole I cry in the car, lord you are always comforting.

Pray for direction for me, Tim, Linda, and sher. We all need guidance from you. Open our eyes to see and to know that you hear us and lead us! Open doors for us if that is the path you want us to go.

Pray for those in my thoughts, that you will love them and guide them in their daily life. May you bless them with wisdom in their respective field.^^

Forgive the sins that I have done. I am still sinning everyday, lord, teach me how to be more like you. Break the wall in me, melt my heart to learn how to love again. Shield and strengthen my heart from all evil attacks.

Lord, I love you. Thank you for everything, I bless you lord.^^

Amen.

Demoting phase.

At this point of life, I am on my own now. Don't wanna give any damn on whatever that is happening. Guess I'm just gonna live my life la.

Went to KK last weekend, fruitful one, I found my love... I finally realized how a friendship love can be. Shereen never left me even though she is attached. Ahh.... That means a lot to me. She has been a victim and I am now a victim. 

I appreciate her hugs, her love, and her chats. Seriously. 

I prove her wrong that I have changed. Hahaha.

Currently in a demoting process. She made me realized, since I have even hurt for so many months, might as well demote the rank. 

Yes, I am demoting her. 

Will not care more, just be normal. 

Christmas is around the corner, any plans?

Well, as for me... My Christmas promise has been broken harshly, and I'm gonna spend it with.. Me myself and I.

Sometimes I wonder, why promises can be so rubbish full. Why keep promise if one cannot keep or remember it. Bullshit.

I am still hurtful la. But I'm not gonna morn bout it d.

It's time to do what I want.

I can't wait to do the things that I want:) -^^

I feel very bodoh. Even thought of moving out or invite someone in.

And now, I realized, I have been staying on my own since dunno when, just gonna continue la. 

She is not my daughter, or whatsoever. Why let it affect me le? 

Thanks to the promises broken, I feel so broken.

Lost expectations, lost hope on people.

Went to Skyline last week. His presence is so strong till I teared relentlessly. 

I miss church with sher... 

Good to meet steph, grace, and sher together!:)

This week, another journey starts.

I can't wait.:)

Shereen showed me how blessed I am to have accompany... Because she Is always doing her own thing hahaha. So, now onwards, I'm gonna just do my own things.

If this is what it takes to forget broken promises and hurtful heart unintentionally caused by unintentional act and words, I will embrace it. Embrace finding peace every week. :)

If I have a last word I wanna say before I totally close this phase, I would say...

'Please learn how to handle friendship and relationship well, because you are too obsessed with relationship, and you didn't know how hurtful it is to those around.'

Like sher said 'do your own thing.' 

 I miss home. *teary eye* 

Last tear shed was last Friday, and it's the last I'm gonna shed tears for this stupid thing.

Demoting process ON!:)

Cruel.

What is normal? What is abnormality?

I realize that my home life has been a bit out of place. 

Am I being rebellious? 

Are things still normal?

I have no idea. But what I comprehend now is I'm gonna do what I want, what He wants. And build my happiness. That's all.

I'm not gonna ask till someone asks me. U know, sick and tired of being rejected. 

And when I feel so, I feel like I'm gonna collapse. But,,, well, god is always with me. 

My life has been great. Did some reports today, dispensed a little, read a little, life is so ar all well, guess I enjoyed my life more than anyone else does.

I'm not pure, not naive. I can fake a smile but still feel bitter. 

Well, I guess I just need to pull myself away in order to find the right distance to come back. Currently, I just feel like distancing myself.

I'm closing up though. Doing thing very surface. Guess I need time.

Yesterday was great, had a great chat and fellowship with her. I'm glad I ditched movie. Because I feel uncomfortable. I rather spend time talking and catching up than watching movie and be bitter. I rather watch alone. Hahaha.

Me? I'm starting to respond to His voice now. Yes, next year will be a big year for me. I have big dreams to achieve. After all, life is just me, myself and I.^^

Me and her were talking about marriage, she reminded me again to find a godly man in life who can lead you and mould you. Happiness with non Christian partner is just temporary, because if he/she don't  know how to love god, he/she will go astray.

Aiya, I can only be there for sister if she needs me. IF...she needs la. Cuz most of the time now she doesn't. Well..... Life.

I guess if she realized how less time she spent with me. Haha. Nah, I don't feel abandoned anymore, because I have decided to be cruel in my way, to myself. I'm comfortable this way, rejecting people, meeting people that I wanna meet. 

I did something that blowed my own mind yesterday. I bought a few flight tickets and I will go off. My main trip will be in May! Stay tune! I can't believe I did that, solely believe its Him who give me the signal now,I'm moving on.

Tonight, no stars, can't do star gazing. Sigh. 

Lord, I put everything before You now. I don't wanna care, don't wanna mind, don't wanna think about anything but just you and only you.

Speak to me, Your will, I just wanna go Your way. Teach me how to love and forgive. Teach me how to deal with people that hurt me. Teach me how to start a new....

I'm surrendering all to You.

Short script

Start to build the distance. Not far, not near. Just that I am doing my own things. 

Work was good the past week. I'm just gonna do my part. 

Yesterday night was good. Spent time with people that made my life in Tawau meaningful.

Today, on a road trip. My photo taking sessions failed this morning, yet, I have another star gazing mission to do these few days. 

Road trip was good, tiring, but at least something to do on a Saturday. Well, kill my time by writing something. I am blessed than god has answered prayer on house. Stress relieved, but the stress of packing starts.

Gonna start packing these few days.

I dunno what will happen in the future months when my clams are gone, life will be different definitely, but I won't stop building my life. Maybe existence of some people will made a stigma in my life, but life goes on.

Still gotta accept the fact that all of us are passer by for one another right? The key is to not get too close to people, it makes things easier.

I'm happy today because it's considered contented. 

I'm in an ignoring stage, only take in what I wanna know, what I wanna hear, what I wanna see. Will start with this strategy before I progress to someone better. Currently, I am searching for my comfort zone. 

I was always being reminded on why am I being sent to merotai. I believe that god cares about how I feel, and He has greater plans for me. I'm just gonna run with my visions, and do what I want and change my perspective on things. Will learn..... And I am learning. 

Occupying myself on tasks, meet ups, sleeps. Because I believe, when moments are gone, it's gone. That's why moments are precious. 

I don't regret what happened, I will step forward and walk even braver than before. 

Like I said, old me will be gone. I hope so. New one will emerge.

God, I rely on You to raise me up, and mould me once again, to who you want me to be.

Another day without interaction.

I guess, what I longed for after a long day working in merotai is to spend time recharging myself by spending time with people, and have good and quality time.

So, I am an extrovert right? Being at home being bitter drains my energy and I cannot take it.

Today is my first outbound CG. I actually quite enjoyed it because I finally seen some light in my spiritual growth. Medical camps, activities, togetherness. I dunno.

Will see how it goes. But a CG definitely need a pastor to lead and to teach, and share.

Someone actually cared for me, becaus I requested prayer for journey mercy. I drove 90km/hr average and they said its dangerous. So Mel and YM restricted 60km/hr for me. Omg. It will take forever for me to reach.

Hahaha. They keep on re-emphasize on 60!!!!

So nice of both of them.^^

Well, the Only regret today.... Didn't talk to sister at all. We are like from different time zone. Ok la, humans born alone, and will reach heaven alone as well.

I got complains to do, wanna discuss about the house, but.... Sigh. So, i need to take it myself first before i release it to her. I am so broken in this matter...

Whatever la. I will just rely on God.

Today's work was good. I think I need to pick up lots of things. Anyway, dispensing is good also, when u always think that u don't wanna be in OPD setting, sekali now I am dispensing antibiotics and syrups daily, and doing reports which I dislike, managing staffs just like in Retail which I dislike, doing ordering of stock and make sure med is sufficient. See!? Be careful of what u wished for.

My leg got worse. Jamilah said 6 weeks to recover. Gosh... 6 weeks.

6 weeks without sports! How can I survive!?!?? 

God, u hear my cry. You know everything about me, and I know You will give me the best You can! Faith.... Just gonna trust in You.

I'm tired. If everyday is the same as today, there won't be any interactions anymore. 

Lord, stop me from self destructing. I guess, it's just 10mins. 

Good night people. My eyes are dropping. 

Lunch-at-the-counter.

I miss lunch, I miss lunching with people.

Anyhow, I think the reason that i am transported to KKMB is clearly shown. Besides fated to be alone. God definitely wants me to learn something here.

Plus, why me and Ganesh got deported? Haha, the good reason behind is left for u to think.

Mode: sleepy, lunch just died and I prefer sleeping. Phobia as well, but going strong. Longing for accompany, and acceptance. 

Found a new mode to release emotions, my Yuki. Like I said, she is the most faithful companion ever. 

I have always feel that I am here, fighting alone, with Him. 

'I am always there...'

What does this means?

Can't I just deserve a bit of time? Pumpkin knows how to do this well. I really appreciate that she knows how to put me into her time. But, it took us time to feel so comfortable with each other.

I miss her, and I am always there for her when she needs me. So does she. Seriously, when I first emt her, I dunno this relationship is gonna progress till this stage. 

Mum called and glad that her health is okay.^^ now, left my grandfather, next month.^^

God, continue to less my family abundantly!^^

Now, my current stress is finding a place to stay. Housemates are hard to find, and houses are hard to find, it seems like god is wanting me to wait for his timing as well, just like how I got to know I got klinik kesihatan instead of hospital setting. 

So, I can only wait, and look around. By end of this month, still no answer, then....I dunno what to do, what to expect d.

God knows what I am thinking, how I feel. 

Maybe He needs to teach me how to hand,e things and trust Him at the same time, 

My heart is aching la, thinking about me and sister. How in the world things can turn out this way!? It's all my fault. And... I feel like I'm being tossed away, I'm a person of action, but too bad, not all show action. I just need to expand ,y frequency to MEASAT I think. 

I need a break...from feeling this way.

Sometimes I wish to just disappear, don't care about anything. But I just can't, it's too irresponsible.

I can't run away, because I think God has a lesson to teach me here, that's why I am still in Tawau. And I can't seem to learn it.

I can't wait for 13/12/13. I'm running away to KK that weekend. 

Argh.

I'm scattered, see the things that I write, it's every where.

Anxious, anticipation, these wont add one more hour to my life, so..why feel so. Right?

God's words, I will hang on to it.

CG tonight. God, I need a support group who can feed me spiritually. 

Amen.

Such a beautiful view from my counter...;)

Tide

'You'll only know you love her when you let her go'

Searching for houses is like a pain in the ass because now I feel like I am going no where.

Trusting that god will provide...

This is what bothers me currently.

Was emotionally unstable again yesterday. Sigh, caused some hurts as well. 

I'm so lost of idea until I dunno what to do.

Perhaps some intention and attention? Staying away from me doesn't solve anything. 

Lord, just 2 weeks. I pray that these 2 week's evil temptation won't rule over me and You will bless me with a clear mind to know what is right and what is wrong.

Speak to me all the time. 

I commit the house issue onto your hand, lord bless us a house or a housemate. 

Give me determination not to give up, because I found out that I am prone in giving up in tough situations. 

And I'm just gonna pray till you give me the answer. 

Amen.

I guess I should give myself and others a chance to turn into a new leaf.

Right?

T_T 

The balance ..... Where are u?

I need to try harder....:S

Still disappointed but now ignorance, haha.

Two posts in a day. Abnormal.

I am going to play an ignorance part now on.

I'm going to do whatever I want now, and everything that I love.

The rest of the nonsense, stay away.

My leg made me bad mood, urgh.

I'm so tired.... 

Chatting with my dear pumpkin made me feel that relationship is such a badass.

Single is the best.

People has their own life la. I need a cool down period to pull everything back. I am definitely shifting to  more ignorance now on. But... I will still be there if they need me. Just like how I treated pumpkin and the rest of my close ones.

Currently finding a house, and my future plan is not me alone.

Merotai has changed me, I wish to change to a better.

Kthkabai!

Respect. Brother Ivan showed me this. He enlightened me. Respect.

Instill 'respect' into your freaking mind KUEN! 

Disappointed.

I thought I could have spend more time with her... The whole night at least, uninterrupted. But things don't happen the way that it should.

Maybe I am too sensitive. But...

Ya, I won't ask anything d. I'm gonna be occupied with my own stuff and the rest, just stay away from me.

Yuki is still the faithful companion. 

Well, I feel like crying because I'm a person who appreciates quality time and I feel like I'm being intruded. But whatever la. 

She could have said tonight is just for me right? Quality is just gone with the wind.

My mood wouldn't be so bad if I'm not being intruded that way. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

No point crying over this kind of nonsense.

Wan, I'm so emotionally imbalance. 

Now, I'm still at the verge of caring less about things d.

Sigh.... I just need to calm myself down and move on with my life.

Is it his presence made things so complicated?

Yes! 

I think she should also respect time with friends, and time with him.

I feel like a float.

Kanasai....I feel so shitty.

Aiya, don't care la. 

At some point, I feel like staying alone d. With no one to care, no one to take care. Don't care about me, and don't care about others. But.....I am Concern on how is she gonna take care of herself when she is not with him?

Maybe I care too much. Kuen, u are awful. U are so menjijikkan.

It's time to move on? Hahaha. 

Calling houses and more houses, and more rooms...and more rooms. This process is so tiring. 

Yuki time, Yuki is still the most faithful companion.... 

I'm disappointed la, but it's ok. I cannot be too selfish and I really hope that they will be happily ever after. 

But I really wished that when I am out, the time will be just for me, not halfway. I really don't appreciate that. You can have other days with other people. Killing 2 birds with one stone is cool but I feel it's unfair.

Ok, enough said!  I'm not ready to make nice! At all! *urgh*

Like I said, when I ask a person out for dinner or being asked out for dinner, I expect quality time till the end of the day. But... This will never happen. Not everyone will say 'oh, sorry, tonight is for XX, and I will call u later when I am back/I will date u some other day'. This is kuen's way, doesn't mean people have to follow this way.... Right!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is call 'too high expectation.'

The old kuen, u will be buried as day goes by. New one will emerge.

It's time to say goodbye..at some point.

Yuki!!! I am coming!!!^^

A bit negative, but it's alright,^^

I hate the part of searching for a roommate.

And... Kohila said something about Andrew fetching sister to work... Ok, now I feel like moving out and stay alone. Cuz.... I feel so.

Sigh.

Negative feelings... I don't like la...

Maybe if all things don't work, move out la. 

So, as I was thinking all these, I get to talk to Ganesh about how I feel about all these.

He made a clear dissection for me. I think I know what to do next. 

I won't go for locum anymore. 

I don't do all these anymore.

I will get a life... Now.

It's time to catch up with all the things that I have lost and the things I wanna do.

Ganesh really has a good listening ears.^^

He even asked me 'why not u consider staying more than a year in KK?'

Me? Haha.. I told him its impossible. Because I will come back to town, or transfer to enforcement,

Definitely. Maybe I will try Labuan next year!:) for the booze! Hahaha!

So, now,,, my life will start to involve me, myself, and I, plus people.

I'm not gonna ask sister out until she asks me out. Starting from next week.

I'm not gonna ask anything, anyone out unless the person asks me out, well..it doesn't apply to most of the people.only certain people.

Making myself occupied to detach myself is...so...interesting. Ya la, I have been attached to sister too much. Well, since I am now at the cross roads to diverge, and let go, might as well.^^

She is a grown woman who deserves freedom. Ya, no more locums for me and her. Like Ganesh said, it's just at that moment only, plus, it's very weird for me to go as I am not htwu staff anymore and I might as well do something for merotai. Haha. 

Ya, my Sunday plan is perfect now. 

The Yoga plan made my life great, 7-8pm 3 X weekly, sometimes 4. Saturday vacation day for me, Sunday occupied with activities as well.

Owh well....... 

I think it's time to detach myself la. Let loose and pursue what I wanna do.

So, Sunday grocery, will try buying a whole week's grocery. Cook for myself a few times weekly. 

Chill out with friends.

Go out for movies,

Fellowship with sister in Christ.

Go KK for vacation.

Fly here and there.

Next year, Hyderabad! Maldives! Taiwan! 

God, u are an awesome god who knows what's best for me!

I love You lord!!!:)

All negative feelings begone! It's time to live like an extrovert now!^^ 

Good night people!^^

Day?

Today is my first day in new place. I am not sure if I enjoyed it, but I definitely like the idea of learning new things and do different things.

I am happy.;)

So, I did realized that I didn't ask sister about her day, because. Was too overwhelmed telling my progress.. And when I wanted to ask, she starts to sway away from the conversation. So... I didn't get to ask. It doesn't mean that I am not concern, but she shows me that she is still interested in knowing about my day.... And still wants to participate in my life. 

I guess she is worried as well that our frequency will change, yeah.. Different working place and I don't get to spend time with her d. She practically have more time on her work and him, well.. Not sure if its a good thing, but knowing the fact that she WILL be together with andrew someday just made me feel...*faint*

Anyway, none of my business and concern. I can only trust her... And have faith in her.

Oh... No doubt, I still love her the way she is. I'm not sure how would things turn out in future months to come. Guess, 3 of us now are separated indirectly. Maybe it's a good thing. Me and Ganesh feel a bit sick of hospital, sister still comfortable in comfort zone. Good for her, cuz she dislike changes and don't think she can take up KK responsibility. ;)

So, 3 of us are just living at the same house. I think this relationship is good... Means I will be forced to build my life around other things. Yes, kuen is still learning to let go. I need to find the suitable distance.

It's like when I wanna spend time with her, it's always the wrong timing. She will go out for dinner la, then when she comes back, she is tired d... And not much time to talk.

I sort of have phobia to ask Someone out for dinner.. Because its like a 'rejection' everytime. Sigh... Coincidence la. cuz most of the time when i ask for dinner, its because i got things to tell, to share. well, like i bombed Shereen Ag before, when the right moment is gone, means its gone. hahah!a bit not fair for them but... my walls needs time to be broken as well after one rejection. It's ok la. Get on with life. I gotto accept this. Things will not be the same ... Not totally changed, but not the same.:)

Anyway, it's just my one sided thinking la. 

In real, I won't act this way.  As long as sister is comfortable with what she does. ;) I will always support her !;)

Just that feel a bit stupid sometimes because priority is not there. Anyhow, I think I take things the wrong way. That's why I am keeping myself occupied.

Oh! I started to learn worship songs with my Yuki!  Feel so good, but I need practices!

Just wanna share something ..

When I reach KK Merotai, I was kinda stunt when I entered. Because its all wooden building.

And... I saw trees, quarters, and kampung around the KK... And... I recognize the place. It has been in my vision all these while.

I knew, it's the place.

Knowing that God will guide me through this. I was so surprised to see the environment! T_T 

Though I cried out to god asked why am I sent here... 

So, when I see the surrounding, it's like a mimic to my vision, I am relieved... Because i Know this is where He wants me to be.^^

I'm happy today, because sister is so...cute! Keep on yawning, and ask me about my day. Honestly, if no one asked,I  wouldn't tell anying about KK Merotai. And... I was too busy answering her question and didn't asked and update about her. Sigh....

Plus, she has been exhausted for the past few days. Can see it through her face. That's why....

But I still hope that she would tell me about herself at her own initiative...^^ 

She has improved. Or maybe she s comfortable with me d?

Fingers crossed, things will be better.

Finally understand how does rejection feels. Not good. But gotto buckle up my ass and walk on.

New job scope for me. It's like a period of transformation. I am ready for this growth, and changes.

Relieved. I have left htwu. 

Happy, I'm starting a new life.

Glad, cuz sister tries to keep me at her pace...though I might seem like giving up. I am thankful that she haven't give up on me yet...hehe.

God has been wonderful with me, us, and in every aspect in life. 

Lord, I just wanna glorify Your name in whatever I do.

Lastly, I just pray that Lord will be the centre of this bondage of me, sister, and Ganesh.  U will be there for us all the time, and heal all scars that is in our hearts towards each other. I pray that lord you will make them victorious in their work place as well, knowing that You are always there to guide them. pray that you will bless sister with energy and wisdom and ability to guide new prp, grant her with an attitude of never giving up...because there is always rainbow after rain, and there is always gold no matter how long, and how far she digs.

Pray for Ganesh that he would be sent to where You want him to be. Bless him with positive attitude towards life... And never think negatively. Guide him along the way so that he won't go astray. Show him the right way when he is off track, and teach him the way to be a better person who honors You.

As for me....I will serve You lord. Lead me to where You want me to be!;) I will run for You!^^

Jeremiah 29:11

Amen.

Well, even shereen thinks I sounded happy in my new place. Hahaha. 

I do,^^ because this experience is invaluable, not all will get this opportunity to handle KK.

Share something cool.

Let me introduce.... YUKI! My Ukulele! My new girl who lights up my down moments! And she will be my faithful companion!^^ Yuki!!! I'm getting better with it.;)

Decided to bought this, not out of impulse but through advice. Called joshua for it, and.... Poof! Here it is! Yuki!!!^^ though it doesn't tally my vision, I am still learning and improvise!;)

Lord, I pray that I will be given the intelligence and wisdom to learn and play Yuki fluently and deliver Your Grace to the people who listens!!^^  Yuki shall be the tool to deliver Your grace, and Your anointing!!!

Good night people!^^

New life

The thing is......

Ok, sometimes I feel abandoned by sister but I am making myself occupied with activities, and lessons. Well, like I said before, it will be just me and me only. Mmm.... 

Bought my Yuki back home and I love her sooo much. Playing the whole night makes me feel so happy. Learning t my own pace,and getting know new friends.:)

Tennis, something that I will take up also!:) 

My matrial art....

I am gonna run with my visions now, doing missions and delivering His grace through my Yuki.

While sister spends time with him, Ganesh Spens time with his life, I am utilizing my time to build myself.

Tmr will be my first day at work. New place, new environment. It's just me and Him now. No more dependency. No more sister in the picture, no more familiar faces, but it's time to make 'new familiar faces'.

I feel relieved, but still a bit of fear. But I know god is with me. All the time.^^

Eating alone no fun, but that's life.:)

10 days summary

Days at home. Well, my 10 days journey has come to an end. 

I came back in despair, recharged, and going back to tawau with a different mind set.

Honestly, things that happened in tawau made me feel like crap. 

I thank god for shereen who is available for me to talk to. 

Reconciliation? God, u reconcile?

I think my demand is high, my walls are thicker. Very much thicker. 

I know I am being watched, and not being watched at the same time. Guess I just need someone to talk to and share.

I am so different back here. The energy is so different. 

Meeting with my siblings in Christ made me feel warm and welcomed. Yes, CG is important. 

I dunno why I became so antisocial, and I am opting for a new cg. 

Lord will guide me through. 

I was so happy to NOT hear about tawau, her, him, all .... 

I don't give a damn.

I was so ignorant about work. Because I think tawau made me sick that time. I really don't wanna know anything about my work. Even when sister told me about tawau, oncall, him, and all, I was really in anhedonia state again.

That night, I think I have tried too hard. I think it's because of me, myself. I have ruined it. At some point, I wanted to give up. Because I don't know how to talk anymore.

The sadness in me was so significant. I think I have ruined everything.

My walls are building up, doesn't mean others don't build walls. So, I come to understand the fact that... We need time to break the ice again.

Why can't we chat normally? Why?

Then I come to realize, it's me myself who ruined everything.

I don't wanna talk anymore, I don't share, I don't expose d, I feel so tired of talking and feeling.

Till.....last night, miracle happens. The conversation was initiated by her. Haha. Though its short, it's sweet.;)

I don't know what will happen in Tawau, but I will start finding class and start TKD. Because sister is definitely going to see him more often. Well... Left me.

This time, I am taking my thoughts into action. I did told shereen I need someone like her! Hahaha. I actually can't wait till December to meet her.:)

I don't know what to expect on Wednesday. I will try my best in whatever that happened.

Lord, please protect us from harms and cover us with your blood. Let our relationship be committed into your hands. U will mend whatever infirmities that is in our sisterhood. She is a great sister of mine, and I just want You to be the centre of our relationship.

Mel is right. I have been ignoring her too, I really did seclude myself from everyone. But now, no more negativity. I am gonna live out what He wants me to be, do my job in Tawau and start off somewhere new!

Sometimes, I feel... Talking to me is like digging gold as well... 

When you keep on digging, u will definitely find rocks along the way. It's hard and stubborn and cannot be broken, then as you dig deeper, the rock will break, and u will tend to dig deeper. More rocks will come and more effort needed to dig.

When you feel like giving up in digging, that's when u almost reach the gold. But too bad, no further diggings, means no gold.

I feel that way all time. No one has ever successfully dig my gold, all almost succeeded but they give up halfway. 

That's why, how much do you know me in person?^^. Don't give up digging because u will eventually reach the gold,

I don't simply let people in. And I don't simply let people out.

Past 10 days was a blessing. Thank you Lord.^^

A new start next week. :)

10 days with mum was a bliss....

Worn

Frail and worm and torn

Tired, and worn.

A picture speaks a thousand words. 

That's how I feel now.

When I lie down, I just feel like sleeping my days off.

Random post

Melissa said:' it's not wrong to love others and love god. That's the two pillars that we hold on to.'

This girl is wise. Like sister.

Currently not expecting, not thinking. Sleeping and living my days off. 

2 more days perhaps?

At the same time ignoring Ganesh's last words. 

Mmm...........

I'm exhausted. Because today's patients are either deaf or blind. Shouted with my voice, and my voice box hurts.

Today morning prayer went well. I have one week to recover if I am still here to lead next Monday,^^

My mind is everywhere.

Yes, I am afraid. Insecure. A girl who doesn't favor rejection.

Good night la. Gotto bath and cook^^

I like today because I finally managed to dispense despite coughing like hell. But it's better than yesterday. Even my ppf also realize that I sick for very long d. One week.... I rebuke all bacteria and virus in Jesus name and I shall be healed!

Counting my days. ;) 

Just a thougt: will you miss me when I am gone? Haha...  Move on Kuen! 

I am sure god has a perfect plan for me o matter where am I!:)

Thanks Mel!!!^^

And thanks to sister whole heartedly for the card. So warm... Like Ten lee said' like family' ^^ 

Curtain's closing

我快要自我封锁了。 

Seeing things happening in an undesirable way. I need to find my passion back, back to kicking ass.

Next week, the D-week. 

A week that I have too many lessons to learn. 

To learn to be strong, be calm, trust god with all my heart and soul. Somehow this is the feeling I had a year ago. Same feeling.

This is the consequence when you got attached too deeply to something that you shouldn't.

I have to accept the fact that nothing stays forever.

Why he has to be the obstacle? 

Why?

Why I have to make myself suffer that way?

Shift my focus?

Leave everything?

Find something else?

These few days are my vulnerable days. If possible, I don't wanna talk, I don't wanna be probed.

Greedy kan?  Wanna be cared, and wanna be the one and only attention!?

Kuen, u are too much. Too much!

Mm.... Today, Mustaqim is the blessing in disguise. I coughed like mad dog and almost vomited. 

Tonight, I just wanna spend time with god.. And Ganesh + sister. 

Monday, 730am. Prayer group in tdm room.

My friend texts me this morning, and I got to know that Our God done great things on her and her younger brother! 

Somehow, god has been the planner for all these to happen!!:)

I'm too emotional. I can't go on this way. 

Loving to do things alone, overly independent , Lone Ranger , and all these has got to stop!  

Tkd, I will take u up again.

Guitar, I will make u mine.

It's time... It's time to let go of myself, and contribute to the society.

Lord, teach me how to love like you. Heal my heart and make it clean... Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

I long for a peaceful heart.

I hope this is not the last photo. Cuz this indicates the beginning, and not the end.. 

My dearest family member here.^^

Love both of them lots!

Sister, who taught me lots of things. She taught me about patience, and never give up in things, rely on God and chill! Hahaha.

Ganesh, a person that I wish I had quarrels with. His humor always filled the atmosphere of the house. 

Lastly, one selfish hope from me to God. Can all of us stay? Will my selfish payer being answered?

Good night people. .... and I need a break from coughing!!!!

Ps: thank sister for the touching words.... T_T I love you! 

Sermon,visions.

During worship, god says:'do you trust me?? Do you!!?'

Me:'yes lord!!! Yes!!!'

God says..'rejoice... REJOICE in all circumstances!!!!  And smile to me and dancing away...

The worship group continues worshipping.

And images of god dancing wi angels in a circles appear... And He is dancing and ask me to join along, and yell 'Rejoice!! Trust me, Rejoice!!!'

I am amazed... Because when the bishop talked bout hope, and rejoice.

Romans 5:1-5

In His timing, all will happen. 

Rejoice in hope of e glory of God!-Romans 5:2

See! Again, the visions and conversations had with god during worship (before sermon) is not an imagination!!!!!!!

T_T

God... You never leave me. You look after me all the time.. Yes, I think I have disappoint you by not trusting and not rejoicing in your name, instead,  I grieved. 

Hebrews 6:18-19

So, god has spoken directly to me. I gues, I will rejoice in His name in everything and in whatever result that I get in a few day's time.

God knows Rejoicing even before the sermon was delivered. And that is the thing that He told me during P&W.

God, You are an awesome God!!!!

The final say is with god. God has the final say for everything. SO, just hope in The Lord.  

还是， 害怕。

真的很害怕。

I don't know what makes me so weak these few days. 

Today, I feel something was not right, during lunch, I kept quiet because there was some uneasy feeling in me. 

I was not ok. Because it was a bad feeling. I don't know how to describe.

Immediately, when I was back to work, got a few miss call, and called back. 

One of the calls was the news, the news that I was long awaiting. 

I was in shock. 

Kept dispensing...till Ganesh came to opd and peek me. 

He was in sweat after CDR, and he talked to me.

I was devastated. Gosh.... Knowing that the news which is partially true.

I am not worrying about me leaving, I am more worried on him leaving.

I don't wanna part with anyone. 

I have the evil thought, why must it be him? Why it's not him? Why? Why not me?

Yeah, it might be me and at some certain point of time, I really wished it was me. 

We talked in the Stor, me got emotional. Cried on his shoulder.... And he pretended to be strong and give me advise. Giving me deal that if he gets to stay, we will swap.

My tears just flow non stop. 

He comforted me, silly him. He feels like crying more than a thousand times that I did.

And he called after an hour. 

Holding back tears and tearing while dispensing is just so suffocating, I really thank god for the mask. It shield me from lots of things.

He called.. And said its still uncertain, and tell me to be good and dispense properly... Not to cry or whatsoever. 

I nodded like a baby. Omg. 

I haven't feel so vulnerable until this moment.

I guess it's the love that I have for both of them. Love them both a lot. A lot.

I love him more than I could imagine. I thought I be mean to him and treat him just like a normal friend, but... It's not like that.

Sister on the other side accepts my love in her own unique way.. But I still love her with all I have, and all I could.  I feel guilty for being such a jerk in my own way, I hope she doesn't mind. Because I feel like crying the whole day and I can't just cry in front of her. I wonder how will she react if she was at Ganesh 's place this afternoon in the Stor instead of Ganesh himself.

Just came back from Tinagat. A place that I fall In Love with Tawau. A place that I spend most of my lonely time, a place that mend relationships, a place that memories were created, a place where I see god's wonderful creation.

I guess, she made this point right. It's all in God's hand and He is faithful. God, I put my trust in You that in You, the end is always a beginning.

Heal my heart oh Lord. 

I need to learn how to let go.

Maybe what Ganesh said was right. He has learnt all the things that he need in Tawau, maybe it's time for me to learn this lesson, and for that I will stay till I learnt the lesson.

Overdosed on ibuprofen, diphenhydramine , and bromhexine. It's time to sleep.

Today, it's the day in my history that I experience bipolar in just a few hours time. Not cool.

I need to let go. Let go of him, let go of her, let go of myself, and fall on His arms, and let Him hug me, pat me to sleep, and sway me to where He thinks it's good for me.

'You don't worry too much first, it's still uncertain...'

To me, it's pretty certain if someone can mention a name that he/she didn't even recognize or meet before.

Kuen, stay calm, stay strong, let go, let God.

^^ 

"Without love, all is nothing'

Down with sick mode.

First time in my life, people actually cared and make decisions for me. 

Yes, I am 'forced' by my two lovely family here to take EL.

Awesome right?

Actually, I don't think I can dispense too with my condition today. It's not getting any better, and it's not getting worse. 

Well, so..here I go. Rest at home. 

I'm gonna take medications and sleep! Getting all the rest that I need la. 

I am so blessed to have both of them in Tawau. 

So blessed....

And sister slapped me 'can you please don't be so stubborn ?'

Haha.... Yes, then I have decided to follow her instruction. 

Stubborn is no good. I feel feverish now. Thank god she force me to take off day, if not... I will be just like a crippled girl sitting in OPD, wearing mask, walking like a sick cat.

Blessed day to all of u!!!^^

What a day.

Torturous day.....

First thing first, I think my lungs gonna fall out/coughed out due to my serious cough.

Secondly,  my body feel so weak that I think I have malnutrition. Lol

Thirdly, I sound like a toad! So unpleasant. I don't feel like talking at all, u knw, can get shocked by listening to my own voice.

So... There goes my immune system. Have been feeding myself with diphenhydramine syrup, ibuprofen tabs. And now, I am taking bromhexine syrup for my thick phlegm.

Slept till 10plus am , but it's interrupted sleep. Sigh......... 

My itchy throat, but thank god the Fishermn's friend Is helping me much. Still my nocturnal cough is killing my sleep.

Despite beng sick, I feel blessed. Sister is so protective over me... T_T 

She took the responsibility to dispense for me. 

I was coughing like mad dog la. Gosh.

Sigh... I feel super guilty. Yes, I will make it up to her.;) to love he more!^^ hehe.

Today is an unproductive day for me. 

Lord, I will heal in Jesus name!:)

Thank You for sending sister into my life.^^

Good night peeps. I feel so weak now... 

1 cor 13:4-7

Ps: 其实我发觉我不习惯人家对我好， 不习惯人家为我牺牲。 我，一定会学者接受人家的心意，和爱。

Yes, different people express their love and care differently. It's the little things that makes me happy, and loved. ^^

Good night.;)

Thought.

Just a thought.

This question suddenly raided when I was busy swapping locum with sister.

Owh well......

It's because she feels uncomfortable being with a 'so called stranger' after not seeing each other for a few months.

Mmm,.,,,

So, I thought...

'What if I meet sister again after a year? Will she avoid seeing me just like how she did to this so called stranger?'

Lol.

It's an interesting question that I wished to find answer.

Err... Again, I am being reminded of 'be careful of what u wished for, you just might get it all...'

And sister is worse than Mel, I guess Mel holds the better role in keeping in touch with Old friends.

Hahahaha. Something that is very unpredictable.hahahaha!

Again, when will I get down from sister's train? Or when will she get down from my train and board to another's train? I don't know.

One thing I wish is that when she gets to board into my train again after a long period of time being in another person's train, I still hope that she will still feel like home. Because so far, those who boarded my train has never fail to feel warmth when they board my train again!:) haha. Self praise. Lol.

Love her to bits!^^

We won't know what will happen down the road. I'm just gonna walk by faith. That's all.

-------------------------

Today off day, contented. Why? Because I get to catch up with people that I don't get to catch up frequently, was on the phone almost the whole day.

Face time, phone calls... 

^^

Fiona-->my ji mui

Sher-->my dearest, like my family member.

Pumpkin--> my precious, my little sister. Very close to heart sister.

Anyhow, I feel very sweet today, cuz.... Sister cooked..!T_T!

So touched wei... 

And she made me honey drinks... T_T

All made from love. 

God, can you please don't take this girl away from me? And don't take me away from her?

If we were to part, let us part with a godly way, and not all in a sudden?

At least pull the honk when the train is about to stop so that we could unboard the train safely, and happily?

And.. Bless us with a safe and happy  journey in life as we board to another train in our lives!

I commit this relationship onto your hand, and whatever happens, I know that You reign.^^

*yawns*

I will overdose myself with diphenhydramine syrup so that I can sleep longer without interruptions..(cough)

Good day!!!!^^

Signing off.

Isaiah 41:10

*killed siu keong with my barefoot* T_T 

I miss you bro.... T_T

charades, taboo, and some realizations.

ITS POST 3 hours of charades. yes, its 230am now.

Just feel like writing how I feel and watching “about cherry” at the same time. a good movie though. ^^

Just a few hours ago, my friends came over for charades and taboo. Its an awesome hangout because its been long since I’ve played Taboo though. Kinda miss my cg.. and my board games kaki.

So, my friends AKA colleagues came over for games and booze. ^^

There were MEl, SL, Pao, Shicks, Yen, Sis, me, August, and Gun.

All of us were guessing and playing charades and Taboo.

IT was a night full of laughters though. hahah. It will stay as memories in Tawau! =)

 

One thing I realized… when its sister’s turn, she linked it with all that both of us has done in our daily life!!!

just like “……. you sleep talk, but you are…. (doing the walking gesture with her fingers!)”

yes, sleep walking is the answer.  I feel that I have been exposed. hahaha!

 

lots more example! She can spontaneously think of the things that we have, and things that we have done! =)

 

I don’t know if this is just a phase of life where people board into my life and will go off in the next station, but… like what ganesh always tell me. “appreciate every single moment of your life with the person present at the very moment.”

mmm… more charades to come up next?! hahaha…

 

writing this blog just to remember this moment, its like the best time I had in Tawau. a night with charades, beer, and great friends.

 

plus… some realization that makes me bittersweet. sweet? yeah… sweet and guilty.

because what I thought it might be right turned out to be another way round instead. God let me see this scene, showing me that what I see and perceive IS NOT TRUE AT ALL! and I am leaning on my own understanding on it.

kuen…..kuen……. when can u learn this lesson? ANyway, its sweet to know when someone actually treasures and remembers the daily life and daily routine.. and most of the examples came out from it. 

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

ok, close that topic. Start a new. REcently found out that my Fifi has delievered?!?! I guess? gosh, this aunty very mysterious and until now also I havent spoken to her!

lol.

 

Fifi is someone I met when I was in LC Pharmacy, still a kinnasai that time.

 

maybe I should call her and update myself. haha. feel kinda disconnected though.

 

Owe a few person phone calls.

It’s a public holiday today. TIme to catch up I guess?

 

but first, fill up my spirit and stomach first. ^^

 

PS: took so long to post this blog cuz the screen was watching me when I was typing yesterday. 

 

Kuen is counting down to KayElle!

Sunday…

Counting on my sundays?

 

Had a great lunch with sister, glad it didn’t turn out to be silence.. (which most of the time wont). haha.

 

Went to church yesterday and today as well. Planned to change my focus onto God. fully.

Well, I am still learning on how not to let obstacles be the hindrance to relationships. Tough act to follow, tough lesson to learn.

Ahhhh… SUnday, spent time with Ganesh, and sister. Supposed to take a nap but I need to submit some “stuff” to my boss. haha. so, now thinking on how to settle it. mmm….

 

Just wanna do some updates.

FGA is currently having YA camp in Genting, PEacehaven.How I wish I was there. HAving fun with my dearest, listening to GOd’s words, fellowship, and catch fire. ITs not that I didn’t catch fire here, but…. I kinda miss my home church. and GMC.

 

Today’s sermon is about catching fire, and not contempt the word of God by not responding to it. I think I have been ignoring it for some time, and causes my stagnancy.

The fire is still burning in me, but I am afraid in doing the things that I don’t think I can.

God wants me to build an army.. through the things that I am going through, and through my environment. I clearly heard that and seen that. God hasn’t give up. So shouldn’t i.

 

My cough is getting worse. =(

worse thing to happen in OPD when u are supposed to dispense the WHOLE DAY.

Sister is such a sweetie pie.Well, I know in all ways she wants to know me and she wants to know everything about me. Am I that mysterious? hahaha.

I am touched that she wants to protect me in the way that she could. mmm.. obviously I look more like the person who protects people instead of people protecting me. haha. but deep down, I have the same desire. I wished someone could protect me, offer arms when I need, lift me up when I am down, caress me head when I am sad, lend me a shoulder to cry on when things don’t turn well… mmm…. these…. are just longings. because, I am on tough act to follow. hahaha.

me, well known as a stubborn girl, but I have a soft heart. soft enough to die for people that I love.  =)

well, the thought of her “covering” me in OPD is as sweet as honey. ^^ that’s her way of caring and loving me, protecting me. I will commit this relationship to God as well, just like How HE mended mine and Sher, and Mine and LW. God be the centre of us.. our lives.

 

God has taught us to love our neighbour, and enemy.

I have been too judgemental and emotional about things that I see. Indeed, God says “thou shall not judge as you will be judged”

My mind is still all over the place.

 

Last Friday, its CME at 2pm.

bitter thoughts came to my mind…. my voice said “so… I have to bid farewell to clinicals….soon.”

I have the passion, but now, I just need to switch my passion to something else, (if the rumours are true).

 

I prayed about it. HE never fails, He gave me a vision. and I was on the way climbing to the peak of a hill, a mountain.

He wants me to conquer the mountain wherever I am. Yes, I will obey. Whatever that I will do in the future, I will make sure that I do my best, for Him.

 

at the meantime, fleshly.. I need to forgo my hope towards something that I like.

So sweet when HE actually tells me… “it doesn’t mean u need to give up on the things that u like…”

 

well…… again. we wont know what will happen until the time comes. Currently, I’m just gonna live my prophecy and leave all unnecessary greed, jealousy, emotions behind. Really need full strength to do so. Not easy. To let go is not easy. I’m just gonna let GOD this time.

LEtting go the people you love, letting go on the things you like… these are not easy tasks.

I planned to restart TKD in november, after finding a suitable centre. I will start my weekend life back.

It has been free and easy. Guess I need to take back some of the responsibilities and do the things that I love… once again.

 

SItting at this room, facing my 6 years old lappy, listening to kids laughters, the noise, the silence, the 4 walls.

Is it gonna end?

 

God, I just want you to lead me to where you are.

To where you are. yes… to the place where you are there, glorious and victorious.

 

 

I cant stop myself from counting the days that I will be here, or MIGHT be here.

 

Lord, just fly me up to where you are.

 

A live version of “TO where you are…”

by my fav, Josh Groban.

 

 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 

the promise that I hold.

Lil updates.

Weekend. A bit motiveless. But.... I am embracing the free time doing nothing,

Lots of things has been crossing my mind lately. 

Yes, Kuen is greedy. 

Somehow, I think the 'untouched' feeling is a feeling of disappointment, rebellion. 

Where do I stand?

Like I said, I have been feeling unsecured and still, these are all satan's temptations, I know. 

I should just let it be, let Him decide, I know. But I still can't help myself from thinking about it.

Not only this, the thought of....... Sigh, it's just killing,

God is trying to lead me to somewhere new. I don't know if I can take it or if I can adapt.

I dislike changes, but changes are the path that god will take to show His glory.

Obedient, yes, obedience Kuen.

Today, mood is so so, thanks to the irritated throat, and cough. Got infected. I think it's the rain. I walked under the rain that day. Well.... 

Was walking through Niah Cave last week, what I enjoyed the most, it's the falling rain on the leaves, the sound, the melody of nature. Birds chirping.... Insects screeching. These are works of God, force of nature.

My last few weeks here? Perhaps? 

Currently, enjoying the air, the atmospher, the silence, the companion.

Who knows, it's going to be an end soon, and a beginning of something new....soon.

Signing off,

Blessed weekend.

Jeremiah 29:11.

shalom

人生的希望，不管在何时何处，只要与神同在。。所有都是幸福的。

I'm glad that god called be during times of despair, like I mentioned before, God is always the best comforter that one can have.

What's next?

Live on with life and conquer the mountain.

Sensitize my heart oh lord, strengthen my mind, be my armor.

Shalom. 

feel…devastated.

I have been devastated since yesterday.

 

yes, u might not understand why this small things makes me feel so….. wrong, but yes it does.

 

First thing’s first, the news that I got was about my placement after my posting.

ok, it doesn’t make sense if it bothers me, BUT! how I feel?

 

I feel like I have been a ball, being thrown here and there and just to fill in the current empty place!

 

and… currently its just DIC and Store.

mmm….. ok. what the hack.

 

the thing is!!! I feel devastated because his name is not being mentioned… T_T

 

and… this means goodbye.

 

I feel very very insecure.

If he doesn’t get to retain, I think I will be alone….

She has him-to-be.

left me….. trying to built my life over something else.

its so depressing. I just don’t know why…..

is this jealousy? depressed feeling? or just greed???

 

I really really don’t know. knowing the fact that I am NOT alone actually is just not enough.

Maybe I am too greedy.

 

and people keep reminding me about the placing, this and that…

stop it, please.

 

how I feel currently?

I feel vulnerable, weak, and emotionless. I’m too tired to feel. too tired to argue.

Talked to Carmen. Well, kinda confirmed that my name is being KIV-ed in Stor. so……what else can I say?

 

I feel like bursting out and scream out. how many times I tried to do that, but …. it just failed.

 

somehow, Carmen reminds me that God’s plan is to prosper me. well, Jeremiah 29:11, AGAIN!

gosh…

 

I still cannot figure out why this verse keep appearing. but.. if I really got what they say I will get, ….mmm….. its really God’s plan and God’s preparation for me to accept things that He knows I CANNOT accept IMMEDIATELY. that’s why HE keeps sending this verse as Rhema Words for me.

 

I am still emo, but more calmed. Tired mentally, and I have decided to go to church instead of mourning on my emotions.

 

I am so sorry that all these causes hurts to those around me but I mean no harm. its just me and my set “style” in dealing with problems.

 

Currently, I am very emotional. I have the thought that I will be alone like… FOREVER.

 

What he said is right, we have got to part at some point of life. and… I AM NOT READY FOR ALL THESE!

he made me cry yesterday, and he left lots of last words for me. T_T

 

I told him…. “I will be alone……. sobs… alone….”

he said “ nah, u wont be… promise me that you wont be antisocial ok? u knw she’s gotto find her happiness as well, and so as u….”

me.. “I want you to stay…. T_T”

 

I am sad of leaving, and I don’t  send people off!! and he said “well, we make a deal ok? if we get somewhere else and we will send the person to the place, and make sure that the person is ready and good to start a new life before going off, ok?”

 

me… “T_T…..”

 

the conversation is still bothering me…. very much.

 

He said “darling, you got to learn how to let go…. u knw. come to think of is, we come into this world alone, and will die alone as well…”

 

he just made things even worse.

 

its been 24 hours since I feel like crying every single minute.

 

As from me, as in how I feel….

I feel so sad…. so down, so……. not me… at all.

I don’t feel like talking about it. NExt,  DIC and Stor is not my cup of tea. BUT just now my pumpkin called, and she said “If this is what God wants to give, you will have to take it, and God has good plans for you!”

 

mind me… she doesn’t have a single clue on what I am going through, as I kept my lips sealed very well. didn’t even tell anyone though.

 

God sent angel to speak to me.

 

Maybe clinicals are not for me. that’s why He sent LKP to strike me down.

Maybe He wants me to learn something else, in benefiting His kingdom.

Maybe He knows I am lazy enough for clinicals, and I am better with management?

God… why you have so many MAYBEs in mortal’s life?!?!?!?!?

why cant all just being revealed in just a click!

 

u knw, GOD told me yesterday…. CLEARLY. “Sin is…doing something according to YOUR way instead of GOD’s way!”

 

yes, by hoping and demanding for something that I want is SIN.

 

Now, I am learning to surrender this issue, and surrender myself to Him in this matter.

I feel so tired…. and I need God’s hug.

really wished someone can hug me now, and just let me cry freely in their arms. *GMC, I miss you….. *

 

u might think it’s a stupid thing to worry about, just say …. errrm… I hoped too much? I demand too much? I expect too much?

 

from now onwards…. I wont live in expectations anymore.

What come may. and whatever it may be.

Que Sera Sera….

 

 

*phew, feel so good after pouring my heart out.* its been long since I do “complaining” post. I hope this will be one of the very last. *

 

 

signing off, with a surrendering mode to God. yes, I will fall anytime now…. this is the weakest moment I have.

 

Tomorrow will be a better day! =) YES!

Emmanual, He is with us.

 

“we will not forget”—Desperation band.

 

I guess, when mistakes happens, all you need to do is just trust in God in mending mistakes that you have made.

Today, I give glory to God. because without Him, I wouldn’t have been back here.

 

I was reading back my blog post in the plane, while setting my mind straight on the things that had happened in just 20 minutes time.

Now I know why they said “Time is Gold, and life is so unpredictable, and Life is not LIFE if you don’t take risk!”

 

hahaha.

 

totally different, stupid, dumb idea.

 

anyhow, today’s sequence of events has left me feeling guilty. sigh.

Honestly, I am truly, truly guilty of what has happened.

 

No doubt, a good experience, but……. its eating my soul out.

 

These few days has been a blessing, and i still have the feeling of leaving Tawau. Don’t really know why, but sometimes, it’s the damn feeling which I cannot describe.

Sometimes, I just wished that I disappeared like that. DUSH. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing, but… it still need to happen?

No idea, sometimes I feel like I will be thrown off. After What my slutty sister have told me, I think I will be thrown away.

well, think about it, I don’t mind starting a new life with slutty sister though. woohoo! but the thought of leaving lost sister is just as sad as…….THAT.

I guess, I have been building my life around her. that’s why this creates the all emotion thing. mmm….. Come to think about it, lots has happened for the past one year, I am pretty much contented. I am closer to God, further from people, and I know what I want in Life.

 

God has sent me to SAbah, for my parents to accept me as a Christian, and what more can I expect?

 

God’s plan is perfect, just like JEremiah 29:11. Somehow, this verse keeps appearing to me.

 

Me, will not give up. For I knw, wherever that I am being sent, its God’s plan, god’s grace, God’s glory.

So, I can only commit my life to Him.

 

Reading back my post, I think I was quite a jovial person in nature. yes, WAS. now, I think I sounded more depressed than ever. Gosh.

 

The past few days.. will be a memory that I will cherish. Miri-Brunei-Bintulu.

guess the most important is memories, well, sometimes I do feel abandoned, but… I’m used to it. HAHAHAH!

 

Now, TAWAU! Let me enjoy you for the last few weeks!!!! *just in case I have to leave*

 

Joshua, Sher,… I miss you both so much.

 

T_T

 

COunting days to go back KL.

To Him be the Glory.

 

the previous post, is sort of like a prophecy of what happened after that.

 

Its been long since I wrote a poem. I thank God my idea came back, and the poem is for Him.

 

Emmanual,Shalom, agape.

 

thank you for the Rhema words.

As if all is well planned

As if all is well planned.

Obstacles appeared, my faith is challenged.

He seems so far away, but he said 'I am near'

He emphasized 'You can't see me, doesn't mean I am not there'

'Trust in me with all your heart' He says.

In the plane, and flashbacks are everywhere.

I could not believe that things that has happened, and it just did.

Still couldn't recall and understand 'why all this!?!'

My faith is challenged, and my trust shakes.

He is faithful, and he always does.

Knowing that I am despair, and lose my sight and trust,

He keeps reminding me 'I am not seen but I am here'

He tells me that He is near, near and glorious.

Victory is the one I have gained?

With all the money spent, but lives saved?

These are the things that I can't understand.

What logic behind all these insane events?!

'For god so love the world', I must believe.

He loves me, and I do too.

Let this be a lesson learnt in life,

Let this too be His glory that shines in my life.

My faith is never the same.

Putting puzzles together with all the wrong things,

Hunger for His love, and his plan reigns.

Let his glory shines all over this place.

What can I say? His love never fails.

the truth.?

 

This post… is inspired by Ganesh… again.. no, its not him actually, its actually by the song  <I dreamed a dream>

 

Got a super sad news today. well, I have no freaking idea why I call it <sad>. Maybe because it’s the unwillingness to say goodbye to sister, and tawau.

because currently I feel unappreciated, and an excruciating feeling of heartache. At the same time, I am feeling glad that I had a high chance to leave this place.

cries are just for a few moments. I can endure.

Just wanna describe the feeling of feeling unappreciated. it doesn’t feel good. I guess, besides people saying.. “kesian Dellynn….” nothing else they could say or do.

 

I take note of this post, because if things are not the way I think it will end up as, I will remember why people don’t appreciate my presence, at work.

 

so, currently, negativity rules over my feelings. mmm…. not a good time to talk, not a good time to express my feelings, because its all tempted by evil.

 

I feel like crying after talking to ganesh. well, he never fails to make me see things from the other way round. He is sometimes full of nonsense, but I like the way he is.

 

I like the way he said to one of the ppf….. “orang yang baik baik kamu tendang, orang yang tidak baik dan ada masalah kamu simpan…”

 

lol. HE is trying to protect his view! haha. I love it!

 

Right now.. yes, right now, I feel very….. heart ache la. pain in the inside, but there’s no one that can understand me.

talk to her? well.. she is the subject in this matter, and I am trying to make things sounded as positive as it is. mmm…. who knows the pain behind the smiles? and behind “its ok… no worries, just start a new only bah…. God will have greater plans for me!”

 

yeah, no one know what the small fragile heart is going through.

Speak out? nah….. there are things that we better swallow it ourselves rather than to say it out and share. why burden people with unwanted rubbish?

 

listening to <I dreamed a dream> is just so depressing. hahaha. Susan Boyle, u did it. =)

 

“darling, you need to let go…. u knw, its not forever….. someday, someone’s gotto go.”

 

yeah, I was being naïve… thinking that staying for people’s sake is very GRAND, EGOISTIC. haha. end up, I challenged God’s decision.  “Its either here or elsewhere.”

 

As for me and my house, I will live according to His plans, His will.

 

Actually I thought of writing my last words during my “so called” last few weeks in tAwau.

 

Ganesh is right, there is a reason why we were never being given any responsibility. HAHAHA.

 

wanna know the truth?

 

Actually, in the beginning of the log book submission, I felt the same way. knowing that I am not gonna stay, or be retained because I leave a “good” name behind.

 

aiya… parts and parcel of life. that’s why I have been numbing myself with the possibilities of me not staying, though the only persons in the house that I will miss are them. both of them.

 

I still feel like crying.. flashing the moment that I have to leave. but chatting with Ganesh made leaving easier… he just dissected sabah and the people and friends who are there, which made leaving easier. HAHAHA.

 

 

tmr is a brand new day. lets start it brand new.)

 

 

So, there goes Susan Boyle’s . Lovely song.

 

 

I dreamed a dream……

 

God will maneuver my life.

September ends.

September is ending is a few hours time. So, flashing back, what have we done for the past one month? Past year? where we sing the same song 'wake me up when September ends' last year?

As for me, it's fruitful. I have gained blood, sweat, and tears. Owh well... Yeah. 

Past year has been a blessing. 

Getting closer to God, people, values life, and gaining maturity and wisdom.

Mmm.... Somehow I still wonder what will happen of I was not being sent to Sabah. What will happen when god retind me in peninsula?

Chatted with Yin yesterday regarding homosexual matter, she asks 'dear girl, u don't miss church? Us? And your cg mates? When are u coming back for good!??'

Me answered without hesitation...'jie, I am meant for greater things here....I know^^'

It was a fruitful chat. I missed talking to her .

Listening to my heart while listening to 'wake me up when September ends'

Where will I be next September? It's an unknown.

Sometimes I hope life is just a dream, let it be a vague one, so that memories won't be that clear, and people don't hold on to each other, BUT! That doesn't happen in reality.

God has blessed me with talents. Gifts. Love. Spiritual eyes.

I am sinful, did lots of sinful things these few weeks. Sigh......

If I could turn back time, I would have did something else, instead of doing what I did.

September ending soon, my last day of September were spent with patients and sister. 

I guess she has done things which I don't know that she will do. Hehe. Eee..... At least in the whole wide world, besides my pumpkin, my pamelo, my sor por and A LO. I know she cares.

How do I carry on without her presence?

*moody*

I have a few testimonies to share, but am too sleepy to type. So, I will type it when I am free. I still owe sorpor a phone call. Haha.

It's 11pm. Ending soon, welcome October!:) it will be great!

And I am not ready to leave...,.

Blessed night.