feel…devastated.

I have been devastated since yesterday.

 

yes, u might not understand why this small things makes me feel so….. wrong, but yes it does.

 

First thing’s first, the news that I got was about my placement after my posting.

ok, it doesn’t make sense if it bothers me, BUT! how I feel?

 

I feel like I have been a ball, being thrown here and there and just to fill in the current empty place!

 

and… currently its just DIC and Store.

mmm….. ok. what the hack.

 

the thing is!!! I feel devastated because his name is not being mentioned… T_T

 

and… this means goodbye.

 

I feel very very insecure.

If he doesn’t get to retain, I think I will be alone….

She has him-to-be.

left me….. trying to built my life over something else.

its so depressing. I just don’t know why…..

is this jealousy? depressed feeling? or just greed???

 

I really really don’t know. knowing the fact that I am NOT alone actually is just not enough.

Maybe I am too greedy.

 

and people keep reminding me about the placing, this and that…

stop it, please.

 

how I feel currently?

I feel vulnerable, weak, and emotionless. I’m too tired to feel. too tired to argue.

Talked to Carmen. Well, kinda confirmed that my name is being KIV-ed in Stor. so……what else can I say?

 

I feel like bursting out and scream out. how many times I tried to do that, but …. it just failed.

 

somehow, Carmen reminds me that God’s plan is to prosper me. well, Jeremiah 29:11, AGAIN!

gosh…

 

I still cannot figure out why this verse keep appearing. but.. if I really got what they say I will get, ….mmm….. its really God’s plan and God’s preparation for me to accept things that He knows I CANNOT accept IMMEDIATELY. that’s why HE keeps sending this verse as Rhema Words for me.

 

I am still emo, but more calmed. Tired mentally, and I have decided to go to church instead of mourning on my emotions.

 

I am so sorry that all these causes hurts to those around me but I mean no harm. its just me and my set “style” in dealing with problems.

 

Currently, I am very emotional. I have the thought that I will be alone like… FOREVER.

 

What he said is right, we have got to part at some point of life. and… I AM NOT READY FOR ALL THESE!

he made me cry yesterday, and he left lots of last words for me. T_T

 

I told him…. “I will be alone……. sobs… alone….”

he said “ nah, u wont be… promise me that you wont be antisocial ok? u knw she’s gotto find her happiness as well, and so as u….”

me.. “I want you to stay…. T_T”

 

I am sad of leaving, and I don’t  send people off!! and he said “well, we make a deal ok? if we get somewhere else and we will send the person to the place, and make sure that the person is ready and good to start a new life before going off, ok?”

 

me… “T_T…..”

 

the conversation is still bothering me…. very much.

 

He said “darling, you got to learn how to let go…. u knw. come to think of is, we come into this world alone, and will die alone as well…”

 

he just made things even worse.

 

its been 24 hours since I feel like crying every single minute.

 

As from me, as in how I feel….

I feel so sad…. so down, so……. not me… at all.

I don’t feel like talking about it. NExt,  DIC and Stor is not my cup of tea. BUT just now my pumpkin called, and she said “If this is what God wants to give, you will have to take it, and God has good plans for you!”

 

mind me… she doesn’t have a single clue on what I am going through, as I kept my lips sealed very well. didn’t even tell anyone though.

 

God sent angel to speak to me.

 

Maybe clinicals are not for me. that’s why He sent LKP to strike me down.

Maybe He wants me to learn something else, in benefiting His kingdom.

Maybe He knows I am lazy enough for clinicals, and I am better with management?

God… why you have so many MAYBEs in mortal’s life?!?!?!?!?

why cant all just being revealed in just a click!

 

u knw, GOD told me yesterday…. CLEARLY. “Sin is…doing something according to YOUR way instead of GOD’s way!”

 

yes, by hoping and demanding for something that I want is SIN.

 

Now, I am learning to surrender this issue, and surrender myself to Him in this matter.

I feel so tired…. and I need God’s hug.

really wished someone can hug me now, and just let me cry freely in their arms. *GMC, I miss you….. *

 

u might think it’s a stupid thing to worry about, just say …. errrm… I hoped too much? I demand too much? I expect too much?

 

from now onwards…. I wont live in expectations anymore.

What come may. and whatever it may be.

Que Sera Sera….

 

 

*phew, feel so good after pouring my heart out.* its been long since I do “complaining” post. I hope this will be one of the very last. *

 

 

signing off, with a surrendering mode to God. yes, I will fall anytime now…. this is the weakest moment I have.

 

Tomorrow will be a better day! =) YES!