I don't know what makes me so weak these few days.
Today, I feel something was not right, during lunch, I kept quiet because there was some uneasy feeling in me.
I was not ok. Because it was a bad feeling. I don't know how to describe.
Immediately, when I was back to work, got a few miss call, and called back.
One of the calls was the news, the news that I was long awaiting.
I was in shock.
Kept dispensing...till Ganesh came to opd and peek me.
He was in sweat after CDR, and he talked to me.
I was devastated. Gosh.... Knowing that the news which is partially true.
I am not worrying about me leaving, I am more worried on him leaving.
I don't wanna part with anyone.
I have the evil thought, why must it be him? Why it's not him? Why? Why not me?
Yeah, it might be me and at some certain point of time, I really wished it was me.
We talked in the Stor, me got emotional. Cried on his shoulder.... And he pretended to be strong and give me advise. Giving me deal that if he gets to stay, we will swap.
My tears just flow non stop.
He comforted me, silly him. He feels like crying more than a thousand times that I did.
And he called after an hour.
Holding back tears and tearing while dispensing is just so suffocating, I really thank god for the mask. It shield me from lots of things.
He called.. And said its still uncertain, and tell me to be good and dispense properly... Not to cry or whatsoever.
I nodded like a baby. Omg.
I haven't feel so vulnerable until this moment.
I guess it's the love that I have for both of them. Love them both a lot. A lot.
I love him more than I could imagine. I thought I be mean to him and treat him just like a normal friend, but... It's not like that.
Sister on the other side accepts my love in her own unique way.. But I still love her with all I have, and all I could. I feel guilty for being such a jerk in my own way, I hope she doesn't mind. Because I feel like crying the whole day and I can't just cry in front of her. I wonder how will she react if she was at Ganesh 's place this afternoon in the Stor instead of Ganesh himself.
Just came back from Tinagat. A place that I fall In Love with Tawau. A place that I spend most of my lonely time, a place that mend relationships, a place that memories were created, a place where I see god's wonderful creation.
I guess, she made this point right. It's all in God's hand and He is faithful. God, I put my trust in You that in You, the end is always a beginning.
Heal my heart oh Lord.
I need to learn how to let go.
Maybe what Ganesh said was right. He has learnt all the things that he need in Tawau, maybe it's time for me to learn this lesson, and for that I will stay till I learnt the lesson.
Overdosed on ibuprofen, diphenhydramine , and bromhexine. It's time to sleep.
Today, it's the day in my history that I experience bipolar in just a few hours time. Not cool.
I need to let go. Let go of him, let go of her, let go of myself, and fall on His arms, and let Him hug me, pat me to sleep, and sway me to where He thinks it's good for me.
'You don't worry too much first, it's still uncertain...'
To me, it's pretty certain if someone can mention a name that he/she didn't even recognize or meet before.
Kuen, stay calm, stay strong, let go, let God.
^^
"Without love, all is nothing'
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