a quick one

Can't wait for the weekend to come.

Everyone has been asking me how is my new place.

err... its not new anymore, 7 months jor. and i am enjoying every second of it.

Actually i have choice to either be:
1) sien, do the same thing everyday, i wanna leave!
2) oh! i feel so satisfied having to dispense personally with quality time for the patients!

Actually, i feel contented and satisfied here. God knows i dont like to be controlled. and He let me take control.

ahh,.


Dealing with stock, people, and etc etc. these are the geez of the job. I might just leave Tawau for studies, and come back here and settle down. who knows. right?


Living with God daily, the love is everlasting, never ending. Too bad, my dad will not understand it. Oh well, this is not the first time, but ... yeah, I will continue to pray for dad!


End of this week, shereen will be coming. have to entertain the high demand creature.. lol. Next weekend, going off to island.


contented?

I better start and save money now for my studies. =)


A day with contentment. Actually, everyday is contented to me. I dispense, i meet quota everyday, sauna everyday..... and read everyday.

Kinda sink in my own world here. hahaha.


ok, time to sign off. I have things to do, and i will upload my testimony in Philippines once its completed. =)


I miss my bed.... piggie, and mummy. hahah.

Lost and Found

A lot of things happened for the past few months.

A few months ago, i was learning how to let go,
A few months later, I have already let go and now i'm living a contented life, with my own goals, and own capability.

Life is so different now back then.

I thank Yen Mii for pulling me out from this valley of death, and i thank God for answering my prayers.

I thank Mel for the listening ears, and really sorry for the middle person position, and my  boss TMC for assuring "You have us".

All these have ended in the last chapter.

My new phase of life officially started after my Philippine's mission trip. I have learnt a lot about other culture, their needs, and their longings.
Its so good to just work for God and only God. to breath and to live for Him every single day. The more you use the anointing, the greater it becomes.

I guess good things has to come to an end, with my current housemate's future departure, I'm a bit tak sampai hati, but honestly, i feel happy that she finally got her direction, at least she knows what she doesnt want.  What she wants is it what God wants?
She needs to move in order to find out.

Everyone is moving on, TMC soon to be off Tawau, Mel moved on spiritually,'m proud of her. me.. I moved on emotionally, and spiritually. I guess i have different aims now.

Kinda remembered what pastor told me "We must have kingdom mindset wherever we are. Stay put, and transform. regardless workplace, or house, or church. Stay put so that you can work in the place, and establish a kingdom of God wherever you are."

Very clearly my path and my house mate's path are different. It got more distinct when i came back.

God has a wonderful plan for everyone. I'm just glad that God is slowly revealing plans for me, and for my housemate as well.

You know, the feeling of leting go is so relieving. When you dont need to be worried, you dont care so much, but u care just enough for you and others, and moving on to what God wants you to do. This feeling is awesome. I finally understand what Yen Mii told me about her impression when she prayed for me and walked me through all these.

I learnt a lot in Philippines, God opened up my eyes on a lot of things, I have been focusing on things that are so tiny to Him, and i neglected His greater plans for me.

 just hope that my housemate's plans really is His plans instead of her own thoughts.  While as for me, its time for God's work. Time to bless people with my gift and anointing.

Finally, my heart is in peace. I know God teach people lessons, and He had clearly taught me a lesson of life, and i beleive... what HC is going through is a lesson that she has to learn herself.
I finally understand why everyone told me that this is something that she needs to learn and get over it herself, she needs to learn how to handle it. As someone that has already done what i could, i can only pray for her.

Mel said she saw her past shadow on HC, we asked each other to pray for HC.. daily.
Prayer works, it just takes time to be answered. =)

God gave me a revelation. He is so good that He challenge me with my greatest fear.. which is to care and love again. I'm not gonna disobey, I'm doing and building it on my baby steps.

God is the greatest... of all.



and Kuen is back.

morning

CNY was awesome..


YEs, nothing beats quality time with family and freidns.

I'm back! to TAwau!



Ok, life in Tawau after CNY a bit different. I started life here with Zumba class, church meetings, CG, and etc...

so, basically, life is contented daily, besides getting pissed by patients, i still think they are cute!


I think prayers are strong. True enough, from all the disasters that has happened, things getting better.
I'm caught up with my own life, doing things a lone, and doing this that i like. and.... God is doing great things in my life and i have faith that Tawau will change! His kingdom in Tawau will change!

Anyway, I'll be busy during weekends for this coming 2 weeks. courses...courses!


one sad news, one of my staff leaving also. she had took the transfer letter. well... people come and go. soon to be my turn too. depends on what is god's will in me. =)

Prayer meeting tonight! then rush to another CG. I'm in the transition process, that's why things will be a bit busy for me. haha.


Just wanna write something and give thank to God for all the things that he blessed me with, and the love and grace... ^^



embracing Isaiah 40:31

Wednesday ^^

Good morning to all.

CNY is around the corner, well.... no atmosphere.
Firstly, i havent bought anything for myself.
Secondly, it feels the same.I just cant wait to go back only.


How am i feeling these days? good, never been better. I cant wait to go back to my family. How is my life here?
good. Work place is the place i can be myself.
haha.

Mati Karan has become one of the significant trait in Tawau. Well, electricity cut is just a normal thing here, and thank God for autosave!

I was doing some WORD docs before Mati Karan. gosh... i was like "SHIT"!

like i said, thank god for autosave. =)

Yesterday i made myself an awesome dinner. haha. cooked rice with KangKung. (cheap bah... HELL NO!)

and made grilled Tuna.woohoo.
Marinated with Sesame oil, soy sauce, and minced garlic. the taste is just perfect!

Why am i still closing up?

sigh... i don't know.




I'm only comfortable with certain people now.

I think i have split introvercy-extrovercy personality. Now, i just wanna stay home for as long as i can.
at time, i wanna go out.
at time, i wanna spend lone time.


This morning, colleague's mum made fried rice for me. I feel so privileged. Its not my mom but its HOME COOKED FOOD!

T_T

so nice.....

I really miss my mum at times like this, no matter how good and how tasty my food is, it still cannot beat mum's cooking. ^^\

Bro is planning on a roadtrip this coming cny. maybe Penang-ipoh. hahah. I think it will not jadi but i still HOPE they will consider!


I finally found my destiny here, and found my purpose. To educate the patients here medically. I think kampung needs people to educate them, and they need to be more health conscious. my effort alone is not enough, but i will give my best for everyone that i dispense to.
I wanna give quality in my dispensing.

This is the thing i wanna achjieve here, since i am placed in Sabah, i wanna give my best to the people here. It might take up to 10 years to create this awareness, but i wont give up, i will fulfill my duty as a pharmacist here. =)


Its lunch time, its time to spend some lone time. ^^

God, i wanna give thanks to you for everything that has happened. Especially in giving me enlightenment in my job, my relationship, and my life.
I dont know what will i being lead to down the road, but i'm gonna trust you. because, it gives no harm in doing what i'm doing now. =)

Thank you lord for your Love.

and i will learn to forgive.

short update

It was a fruitful weekend spent. with a heavy slap of Revelation from Pastor Phillip Lyn.

" If you don't forgive, You are not forgiven"

I am hurt because promise not kept, and rejections.

ahh.. I'm learning how to accept myself again, and learning how to love and forgive. Baby steps.... I want to forgive!!! I want to be normal again.

Last weekend was a fruitful one! I met up with new friends, Soo ching, Soo Ting,  Melissa, and my girls, Steph, Grace, Sher.

New people gives me new happy kinda feeling.

Met up with ITS, Charissa. AWESOME DAY OUT!

and its all randomness.
I guess the best thing ever is to spend time with Sher... and meet up old friends. ^^ and not forgetting, my Sarania! oh.. this girl is very special... I miss her so damn much!

See? by stepping out, i realize that my world is so big. this is not big, but considered big. At least bigger than tawau. ^^

I really feel lucky to be placed in TAwau, and to be able to visit my dearest friends there in KK. but Living in KK has high standards , entertainment, and more stuff to do.

I think the best part besides spending time with my girls, i met James Gen Yuan. The most normal conversation that i have ever had with him. He is always a good brother in Christ. and.. we met in church! hahaha!

Overall, my trip was a good one, and i really embrace relationship and old friends. =)

just a short update because today is a busy day. =)

thankful

*yawns*

I'm very much a sleepy head now.I had a fruitful event yesterday.  I think i have found the suitable CG for me.

^^

I guess this is like a blessing in disguise after all that have happened to me and my house. lol.

Retreats and trips... soon to come!

I woke up late today, thanks to yesterday. lol. Besides CG, i have a great time hunting cockroaches in Amanda's Place. i was home after CG and she called me...... to save the day. gosh.

Anyway, she is such a darling.... hahah. and i am known as the pest control of her room. OMG.

Had a busy day yesterday, worked till 5pm sharp. First time.

I'm amazed by the kangkung issue which has been popped up by the Prime Minister. A bit redundant because of all veggies, he chose Kangkung! (Water SPinach). haha. Anyway, it was a good laugh and Malaysia has become the laughing stock in the international arena.

I was examining myself yesterday, I guess God is removing this part of flesh of mine (hc) away so that i can do greater things for Him. He knows this attachment is unhealthy... thats why. Well, If i were to re-live the past one year, i could have set the boundaries well, not too attached.
Just like now. I'm pretty much comfortable with myself, doing the things that i like without restrictions. pretty much liking it.

Yeah, honestly... the idea of the jerk is together with sister is still a very yucky thing to me, knowing of what he had done. *vomit*

Dont care la...Maybe if it doesnt work, she needs to learn it through the hard way, If it works, then good la. I'm not her mother to breastfeed her. LOL. *what the heck*
nah, i still care, but i dont wanna show it d. pretty much ignorance but not ignorance. more to caring in my own way.


ok, dont wanna talk about it d. Sakit Hati, tawar Hati. and now, my hati berbunga-bunga to meet my dearest this weekend! hahahah.
Actually, I'm glad i made the trip to meet sher last month, and I'm glad i made trips after that, regardless alone or with friends. I just feel blessed. ^^
Sort of found myself after that. and.. thanks to YM who knows i'm building walls, and feed me with God's words from another perspective. =) Praise The Lord.

This year, I wanna walk closely with God, with a bunch of new brothers and sisters in Christ. I think God wants to expand my network last year and this year He sent me to a new community, and more to come.
I am excited for God!

This weekend, I'll be attending Skyline SIB. mmm...This time, If i meet Jessie Foo, I will talk to her! hahaha. ^^

Thursday... and this weekend will be a fruitful one. Same goes to next weekend also! =)


When can i watch MAndela..... T_T tonight? maybe?
haha...


Good day to all of u!
and thank God today's number of patients still ok. ^^ not too much, not too little.  Yesterday was a bit more than usual. but i like the busy-ness.
Mmm.... no cravings tonight, maybe steamed chicken, with wolfberry! and soup. =)


God, thank you for everything! for all the heartbreaks, all the downs, and the ups. without it, i wont know that You are always and ALWAYS at work in our lives.

mere updates on 8-9 jan =)

So, i did something nasty this morning. when i think back.. urgh.. why did i say so!?

anyway, no regrets ha. haha.


ya, i got a bit irritated this morning, maybe because of lack of sleep? and... the quality of the conversation|?

anyway, drop the issue. I blame myself because i'm building serious wall.
ha.

last night was a blessing! i met up fellow colleagues for dinner, then went for CG.. gosh, i think this CG is somewhat similar to Connexions! and at least we talk about SCRIPTURES!
ok, first impression---> checked and passed!


Then, i was in Taste 2 for supper with the usual kaki. We chatted and chatted like there's no tmr! lol. AWESOME!
ok, i now certify myself as a person who needs social boost to live my days!

Well, there are days also that i feel like staying at home, doing nothing....
and currently i feel so. ^^

I feel like sleeping. thanks to the late sleeping.


I have internal struggles. Currently, i guess the percentage of letting go is reaching 70%. Yea, i dont know if this is the right way, but... I'm comfortable. at the same time, i'm struggling in between God's words too.
God says love, I am rebelling.

Love God and love others is a challenge to me. ITS SO FREAKING HARD!

T_T


No one could understand me, and behind the smiles are walls, thick walls. except to.... Ms Mel. haha. I feel that i need someone to vent out in TAwau besides Sher. Sher is always my best venting machine. Really thank God she didnt give up on me.

I was just telling myself. "har.. my life used to be restricted due to extreme love and tolerance, and i feel that my whole world is just at home and my dearest sister. Now, after all the war and all that shit that has happened, thanks to always finding out that the jerk is a jerk, i finally let go gradually,and ...my world widens! and when i look back, i kinda feel sorry for myself for missing out so many fun, bonds, and relationships. well, I am slowly finding my world back and becoming who i am forced to be and supposed to be, all thanks to that JERK? haha... so, when will be the time when the jerk feels that the world has gotten away and he has nothing but her? when the time comes, he will feel that his whole world is only her, and the rest just gone... and will he experience what i experience now a few years down the road when someone else step into her life? "

when i reach the last part... i wish him torn and broken. lol. i know its bad to have vengeance, but i think.. if that day really comes, i will actually sympathized him and happily tell myself  "been there done that, and i'm glad i'm out of it!"

now, still in the process lar.... I want to be normal again , so badly, but my conscience just doesnt allow. Somehow i will have a "limit wall" which automatically shut down when it has enough dose of conversations, enough dose of everything about it.
that is why i am struggling very very hard between reality, and God's words.

I still feel a bit burdened, not as much as few months ago. I can say that i am doing well with this NO STRINGS ATTACHED theory.

I feel so free, i can do anything i want, and i dislike people take my time for granted. I dont like people to assume that i am free and they can just do whatever they want and just slot me in.

"A promise kept is respect earned"

Sorry... respect has been ruined... in this case.


Happy to say that i'm occupied. I cook whatever i want, go wherever i want. Ask me in advance if u wanna date me, I'm not so up to last minute SLOT IN plan anymore.

PS: I AM NOT A FLOAT or SECOND HAND ok.



Whats the purpose of this year? it was asked during CG discussion.

mine is "to love God and love others" . This is my biggest challenge and i have decided to start slow, one step at a time.


^^

Lord, give me the shield of truth, and the armor to face whatever i am facing. Help me to love You and others more. I pray that Lord will close the door of anger and irritation in me as well... and give me the strength to hold it closed when Satan attacks! In JEsus name i SHALL NOT BE DECEIVED!!!

AMEN!

random updates

How's life people?

Its my second week of work. Things are doing fine with me. lol, should be other way round, I'm fine.

First week of work was a bit busy, with new year holiday in between and reports to rush, but thankfully its all done.

I'm still blur on what am i supposed to do this year. ANYWAY, leave it first.


People has been leaving day by day. They just leave... and i wish i would have left too...sometimes.

Because I'm kinda tired being treated like a float, and a second hand. I'm supposed to be the first hand , and i always know that i am the first hand in HIS eyes.

haha.. life bah... kan?!

Actually, i'm kinda enjoying my life now without asking anything, without knowing anything. my last rant was to GAnesh, last Saturday night before he left to Semporna.
Thank god he is a good listener, and talker. but that conversation that night is more on me venting out my anger. I'm so sorry that he has to be in the middle of all these. lol.

Someone can even notice that i am building walls towards people despite my friendly and jovial relationship with others.  oh my.... obvious? well, at least i dont think so!

Amanda always tell me "you still got us!" LOLs


I have to agree that with my alone space, things are better that way. No strings attached, say NO whenever necessary, and no more responsibility. The only burden i carry now is me myself. but... thats not a problem, because i can just sleep my burden off myself and i can handle it myself. haha.
I can stay in my own space as long as i want.
i can sleep as long as i want.
I can lie on my bed as long as i want, as early as i want.
i dont need to talk if i feel like shutting up, i dont need to smile when i dont want to.


Therefor, this is not going anywhere. haha. yeah, i wanna challenge my own personality now.  Wage war against it.

I am still in nauseated mood when i see ***. OMAIGAWD. God says love, and i am sinning.
because, i feel yucky to see them la. like i said, Keningau trip really opened up my eyes, and i really really hope the truth will change.

anyway, i dont wanna talk about it anymore. i wanna focus on my own life.
I'm getting better in entertaining myself now. like seriously! dont need to restrict myself on food.. (tolerance can be a bitch).
I dont need to restrict my circle of friends.. (tolerance can also be a pain in the ass)
I dont need to restrict MYSELF! GENERALLY! (tolerance can ruin lives).

AHH... like i said.... KENINGAU I LOVE YOU for changing my perspective, and thank you for being a place where i found what i love!
I'm still gonna embrace travelling alone, and travel everywhere! Perhaps i should go somewhere this weekend. ^^.. randomly. as long as i am OUTTA HERE!

mmm..... where should i go this time.....?i believe the idea will come when the time comes. haha.



Rejections has made me become a firmer person in decisions.

and PEOPLE!!! YOU OUGHT TO  LEARN HOW TO SAY NO!!! to protect urself.


I have left myself too  vulnerable. Yes, she indirectly change who i was to who i am now. Hurt too much, too deep.


and... DONT MAKE A DECISION BECAUSE OF A PERSON! THINK OF YOURSELF FIRST!

the most expensive lesson I have learnt.

by end of this year, if its God's will, I will leave Tawau permanently. Say goodbye to Tawau permanently and start somewhere new. (depends on what's Amanda's plan). hahah!


and... i am really really awakened now. I was lost and sunked in dunno what kind of shit a year ago till i neglect people around. So infectious wei.... anyway, cant blame, its my own choice, and they tend to draw u away from the crowds. HAHAHA!
introverts (extreme one) are so dangerous. Now, i dont wanna endure the patience, endure anything anymore. Live to my own standards! woohoo!


 I'm starting to dream of my dinner tonight d. i cant wait to go back and cook! i guess after tonight's dinner, I'm gonna miss ah ma more. Well, i will reward myself my playing   from Mayday as a remembrance to ah ma. (my grandma). 
Though i will cry, i will finish the song, with my Yuki.


God, give me the strength to war against my personality and mould me, dont let me fall deep into SAtan's hand.


Keeping my dear pao pao, YMCA in thoughts. ^^

GoD, ALLAH.?

Reading on the News regarding the raid of  Bible Society Malaysia in Damansara (BSM), i am so disheartened because of the disharmony in practicing religion in Malaysia/

Why JAIS is at their sane mind to do so?

As a country with multiple races, we ought to be in peace with each other, and using "ALLAH" in bible is nothing wrong to me!

yes, there are portions of Sarawakians and Bumiputeras who are working in Peninsula, so... what is the right of the government to allow usage of ALLAH in half of Malaysia, and the other half can use it?

Sarawakians and bumiputeras who are Christians still use BAHASA MALAYSIA in their worship. MEANS.. when they land in Peninsula, they cannot use the word ALLAH?

come on!!

wait....

means in Selangor, none of us can sing our STATE song anymore.

"...ALLAH lanjutkan usia Tuanku... Rakyat mohon restu...."

So, usage of ALLah for non-muslim... does it really cause such great devastating impact? are we (christian) or non MUSLIM  who say the word "ALLAH"  equivalence to disrecpect towards Islam?

My humble opinion... no. It does not.

I live in Sabah for a year plus, and i'm from Selangor.  

In Sabah, there are no problem at all for us Christian to use the word ALLAH because it is the term we use for GOD, our Almighty God. 

To me, it is a respectful act when non-muslim actually mention "ALLAH", because its an act of courtesy. ALLAH means GOD, generally. 

Since when ALLAH become an ISLAM thing?

We are like the laughing stock of other country's citizen by debating on this issue, as this is fanatical. Yes, we are a muslim country, but..... what about freedom of practicing religion? freedom of speech?  Why violate THE CONSTITUTION of Malaysia? 

Rakyat has the right for all these though.  Because, we own the country, and we have the right to choose WHO to run our country.

and it is insane for the government to allow half of the Malaysia to use ALLAH, and the other half can't. 

I guess, its time for our "beloved" PM to say something. Make a decision, a wise decision which is satisfying and stern for the nation.

Malaysia, I have always asked  "What have you became? the country that i poured my blood, the country that i serve.....  The country that i love..."

2014 is the hike of everything. I believe, this is the climax, the turning point for a new upcoming ruling system. My dear government, you have broken all the promises made before 505, well.. i just can't wait to see more promises being broken and people being violated. 

I love Malaysia, definitely not the one managing the country. 

how i feel. Last post. NEW YEAR 2014!

First post of the year!

ok, was shocked by the message i got. Honestly, i am comfortable this way!

Let it be? haha.

I am very much comfortable like that. well, i guess she doesnt know why things become like that and why am i acting this way.

its all because of accumulation of rejections and broken promises. I think only Rabia understands how i feel. 

The relationship i had with hc was like attachement kind of relationship, and when she got attached to a guy who has a double face, 2 lives, i got pissed. Because.... i get to know lots of things which probably she is still being kept in the dark. 

The meet up in Keningau makes it worse, the guy is so f***ED up. seriously. 

well, Love is blind. i supposed.

I dont wanna know anything about their relationship anymore. Everytime i get was rejection when i ask for dinner or what-so-ever, always "oh.. i might go dinner with him... " this and that. not only this la... a lot more. Like i said, balancing up between relationship and friendship is very important and i feel abandoned most of the time, and ..... she probably didnt feel it. Like i said, my priority was her , and now... my priority is MYSELF.

enough is enough!

Asking is not what i will do anymore. HENCE, I'm just gonna indulge myself, indulge in activity that i feel good, till .... she learn things through the hard way and when she realize the world ahs gotten away from her, she will come back...?\

mmm... i am cruel in this sense, but.. when i have done what i could, all that has left is her and her learning process d. 

Easy way has been turned down, now.. left HARD WAY.

all the best. 

I've been living good, working with a bunch of lovely and heartbreaking ppf, haha. they are so cute!

Life indulging in pampering myself in food.

watch movies whenever i want.

sleep whenever i want.

do WHATEVER i want!

no need to think of her, whether has she eaten, has she this and that.. bla bla bla.

she has him enough d la. Who am i wor? Just a passerby i suppose.

I'm taking real slow to find the distance back, really slow... baby steps.

up to a year? maybe? because the shortest also 3-6 months. but me.... i dont hope, i dont expect anymore loo...... especially to her. 

Good or bad?

To me, no expectations means no disappointment.

so.... Rach was right about this long time ago... she always scold me "stupid, why u expect too much? if you dont expect, you wont disappoint!"

and one thing that i always wonder....now. Why was i the only one who is always digging? i know you but do you know about me? do you know anything about me?

what i like, what i love, my hobby, my passion, the food i like...etc..etc... my attitude...

ok, maybe i expect too much. because... ONE FREAKING YEAR IS NOT ENOUGH TO KNOW A PERSON!

speaking the truth.... I am tired la, for always wanting to know people deeply, digging.. and... the only person who really digged me was Sher, and Linda, and RAch. They know me well, didnt abandon me, learnt through the hard way as well to endure this relationship/friendship, never leave me, love me for who i am.

Since Rabia told me "Dellynn, you should learn to love yourself first, think about urself before others, you cared too much and got emotionally attached too deeply and like bf-gf kinda relationship, so now... you can distance away. and there are 2 ways if you wanna keep this friendship, either you be normal, or indulge in what you like, and take ur time  slowly to be who you were. Our mind is very powerful, make yourself up, tell yourself today's gonna be a good day, smile, and feel good. you can see the difference and how you feel."

New year, my first resolution is the love God, and love myself more. The rest... i;m sure with God, things will turn out well. ^^

I still care for her, but i'm not showing it. because..... i'm still recovering from all the broken hearted moments. 

i can just wish her well, and be there for her when she needs me. (though i think all she needs is him ONLY currently, so...)

TONIGHT! I'm gonna have simple dinner and rest earlier! ^^ 

previous days's meal was awesome. YUMS!

the steak, the rice, the salmon, chicken. OH MY......

Have a great year ahead!! 

hugs to all of u. ^^

this is my last rant... well, if she reads it, then... read lo. its merely how i feel. ^^

Last blog of the year. *excited*

EXCITED!


why?


Because....

I finally found light in treating myself a meal which i have never done before! ok, with some help from Aunty Jane and some research from my best friend, google!
I can't wait to go back for dinner. seriously!!!

This year, I plan to pamper myself!


ok, lets keep it as a mystery for what am i gonna prepare. haha. I have confident that it's gonna turn out good! woohoo!

Its gonna be a binging night. ALONE! i can't wait to spend some quiet and quality time alone at home, embracing with my meal and my passion towards cooking.

Its time to try new stuff. hehe...


TMR.... a day to pamper myself as well!  haha...

I'm so tired, i think i am deprive of sleep.. and i have a feeling that i need to go through a detox session next week. ^^


This weekend will be a hiatus for me, celebrating the start of my first weekend here. I think, its time to sit still, and observe, and to listen to the Voice within, quietly.


I have even thought of the first meal of 2014 that i'm gonna have tmr! hahaha!



*listening to Westlife, the exact same album makes me think of my last trip to Miri, how fast things can change within a few months.... and its for my own good. So far, i have no regrets for things that i have went through and the things that i have done, because... i am a person who never regrets on decision i made. thats me*

In the coming new year, i don't wish to change any good thing i have, but to improve myself, get less attached emotionally to people, live my own life according to my standards, get rid of the bad things and habits i have, be not cold and defensive to people, don't harden my heart further, and learn to love my enemies.
and... a breakthrough in my travelling life. ^^ as well as in the walk of Christ. =)

The rest of the ships which are temporary and never lasting, stay away. BEcause, i can't stand another heart break! HAHHAA. (yeah, u should open up my heart and see how wounded it is)


NEW YEAR 2014!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm letting Go........ ^^

Urgh...please!

Please... Dinner? Together? Thanks but no thanks.

I would rather die at home alone, die of good food, die of liquor..than meeting the thorn of my eye. Urgh... I feel so nauseated thinking about it.

Tmr... I feel like ditching the plan to FIRE. Lol. But I know I need to go.  Haha. New Year with a bunch of crazie people. LOL.

I can't wait for next month.:) haha... Seriously, next month!!!!^^

Today, I feel joy, firstly, objective achieved. Cleaned the house alone and cooked! It's exactly the meal that I crave for!^^ simple but satisfying, I cooked it with love. 

In life, we have to think for ourselves first. Because that's the only way you won't get hurt.  I have been thinking about others too much, overly done, and now,,, I realized that I am happier when I start to think about myself.  Put myself before others. Do what I wanna do, say no to whatever that I don't like, say yea to whatever that I wanna do. This is awesome. 

Following my heart^^ (thanks Rabia me Sher for this precious advise)

Don't blame me for my coldness, you earned this. Don't blame me for my stone heart, it can't be revert now... Only God can melt it.

Faced some problem at work, but through experience and days where god has blessed me with ability to stand firm on my own ground. 

I realize myself to be more firm than before, I dare to offer, I dare to say no, I dare to negotiate, I dare to NOT give in.

Thank you heartbreaks for all this! Seriously!:)

Tmr...will be a greater day.:) 

Mmm..... Shopping will be done tmr!:) guess I'm gonna reward myself on food tmr.:)

This year no glutinous rice ball for Winter Solstice, but... I have my own pampering recipe this year!:) gonna be back early to shop!^^

Good night! 

*enough booze of CSI->Binge!*

Time for books now!^^

random writes.

What does it sounds like, when you sing heaven's song?



I'm occupying myself with trips, and trips.

this weekend will be hiatus for me till i fly off again on 17.=)

Got that Chrsitmas note from hc, mmm.. can say that i am ignoring? or still finding myself to come back at the right distance.

I am glad i met Rabia... and i am glad i made effort to meet people, it really fills my soul up. because i gain insights with different people. There are days i wanna spend it alone as well, just like silent treatment for myself. Yeah, i dont feel like talking if i do feel so. but i hardly fall into this kind of mode. haha...

For the past few weeks, meeting people has been part of my life.  From new friends, new bosses, different races, different places to bondings + friendships.
Wow,,,, i really thank god for the days that i spent with them!

Just done with paper works, urgh.. never liked it. but i'm glad that i learn stuff!=)

Its raining cats and dogs here, and my mind is running wild with mum's cooking. yes, i didnt pack lunch for myself today. Anyway, thinking of rewarding myself tonight with my crave. I am craving for korean food. but sadly, no korean food here. Mmm... there is one place though! haha. its time to go back there again after so many months. =)

I'm feeling good these days, in the mood of resting, and cleaning my house. Yes, tonight's the night la. ^^ gonna clean and cook some food for myself because i reckon that i will wanna stay home and watch movies after cleaning the house. ^^


I'm so sleepy... heavy rain, and cold weather.


I miss cooking.. i mean home cooked food. lots of times where i am so tempted to just cook Maggie but i know i cannot break my JUNK RULE. no junk for me.  =)

Today is kind of busy for me, what about you?


I'm taking Yuki to another level...
Next month, if the time overlaps, i'm gonna perform in Semporna for fund raising. hahaha! *big dream*

Process...

A year plus in tawau.

It's gonna be the festive season again.

Not excluded, this year I'm spending it alone, with my house. Hahahaha.

Pathetic? No? Yes?

I don't know. But I kinda enjoyed it.:)

No strings attached. 

This house is just a house to sleep. No more chattings, no more fellowships.

Things will change!? I have no freaking idea.

I have not packed my stuff for tmr. I'm going away. Can't stand anymore, but I need to go find peace.

As a solo traveller, I'm bringing my daughter and HIM with me this time.

I thank god for everything that has happened. Without all these, I can't find myself, I can't find back my passion.

As much as others are obsessed with their life, and their partner, I'm obsessed with my own life as well.

I'm living young and free. Yeah, free. 

My mind is still replaying the broken Christmas promise of her to me, and I need to know from others that she is off to sdk for Christmas, left me here thinking 'what happened to our Christmas?'

It's just too heartbroken to rethink it again and again, anyway, this Christmas will be a special one for me!!!:) I know.

Currently, I'm too lazy to speak, I'm too tired to talk. I will rather indulge in my own life.

Whatever it is, like I mention.. Demoting process on!

I still wash my face with tears every morning while I drive to work, I am still hurtful and sad. BUT! I am now tougher, in me.

Just booked flights, I'm leaving off as often as I could, I don't wanna spend another day or weekend here mourning, gilak. I can go crazy.

I'm gonna spend time as much with those who really worth my time. 

For me, there is no more dinner dates from her, no more dates. Haha. Well, it's good that she has someone else to take care of her.*trying to be positive though that guy is a jerk in other's eyes* nevertheless, none of my business! Yippee!

I don't reject, I don't accept. I will just stand in neutral ground.

Damn... Hungry. Movie was awesome just now.^^

I really miss Tim, Linda, Sher.... I love them so so so much. My dear brother and sisters. Ahh... How I miss 2012 with them...

Just star gazed and I was so happy! Splendid view!;) 

I'm so hungry.... And... Practically no one actually care whether have I eaten d onot. Like I said, life changed.

I'm off responsibilities, and off alone. Maybe better off alone also.:)

I can't wait for days to come!

^^ 

Good night people.:) gonna feed my hungry stomach.

The Voice finale is awesome!!!!

God, i thank you for all the pain and sorrows, that I see light now. Without all these, I won't soar and live for You. Please take care of sister hc as I am not  gonna be there for her all the time now, but lord I promise you that I will still be there if she calls, and love her my own way. 

Pray for me that I will hear you more often. Thank you for your words this morning whole I cry in the car, lord you are always comforting.

Pray for direction for me, Tim, Linda, and sher. We all need guidance from you. Open our eyes to see and to know that you hear us and lead us! Open doors for us if that is the path you want us to go.

Pray for those in my thoughts, that you will love them and guide them in their daily life. May you bless them with wisdom in their respective field.^^

Forgive the sins that I have done. I am still sinning everyday, lord, teach me how to be more like you. Break the wall in me, melt my heart to learn how to love again. Shield and strengthen my heart from all evil attacks.

Lord, I love you. Thank you for everything, I bless you lord.^^

Amen.

Demoting phase.

At this point of life, I am on my own now. Don't wanna give any damn on whatever that is happening. Guess I'm just gonna live my life la.

Went to KK last weekend, fruitful one, I found my love... I finally realized how a friendship love can be. Shereen never left me even though she is attached. Ahh.... That means a lot to me. She has been a victim and I am now a victim. 

I appreciate her hugs, her love, and her chats. Seriously. 

I prove her wrong that I have changed. Hahaha.

Currently in a demoting process. She made me realized, since I have even hurt for so many months, might as well demote the rank. 

Yes, I am demoting her. 

Will not care more, just be normal. 

Christmas is around the corner, any plans?

Well, as for me... My Christmas promise has been broken harshly, and I'm gonna spend it with.. Me myself and I.

Sometimes I wonder, why promises can be so rubbish full. Why keep promise if one cannot keep or remember it. Bullshit.

I am still hurtful la. But I'm not gonna morn bout it d.

It's time to do what I want.

I can't wait to do the things that I want:) -^^

I feel very bodoh. Even thought of moving out or invite someone in.

And now, I realized, I have been staying on my own since dunno when, just gonna continue la. 

She is not my daughter, or whatsoever. Why let it affect me le? 

Thanks to the promises broken, I feel so broken.

Lost expectations, lost hope on people.

Went to Skyline last week. His presence is so strong till I teared relentlessly. 

I miss church with sher... 

Good to meet steph, grace, and sher together!:)

This week, another journey starts.

I can't wait.:)

Shereen showed me how blessed I am to have accompany... Because she Is always doing her own thing hahaha. So, now onwards, I'm gonna just do my own things.

If this is what it takes to forget broken promises and hurtful heart unintentionally caused by unintentional act and words, I will embrace it. Embrace finding peace every week. :)

If I have a last word I wanna say before I totally close this phase, I would say...

'Please learn how to handle friendship and relationship well, because you are too obsessed with relationship, and you didn't know how hurtful it is to those around.'

Like sher said 'do your own thing.' 

 I miss home. *teary eye* 

Last tear shed was last Friday, and it's the last I'm gonna shed tears for this stupid thing.

Demoting process ON!:)

Cruel.

What is normal? What is abnormality?

I realize that my home life has been a bit out of place. 

Am I being rebellious? 

Are things still normal?

I have no idea. But what I comprehend now is I'm gonna do what I want, what He wants. And build my happiness. That's all.

I'm not gonna ask till someone asks me. U know, sick and tired of being rejected. 

And when I feel so, I feel like I'm gonna collapse. But,,, well, god is always with me. 

My life has been great. Did some reports today, dispensed a little, read a little, life is so ar all well, guess I enjoyed my life more than anyone else does.

I'm not pure, not naive. I can fake a smile but still feel bitter. 

Well, I guess I just need to pull myself away in order to find the right distance to come back. Currently, I just feel like distancing myself.

I'm closing up though. Doing thing very surface. Guess I need time.

Yesterday was great, had a great chat and fellowship with her. I'm glad I ditched movie. Because I feel uncomfortable. I rather spend time talking and catching up than watching movie and be bitter. I rather watch alone. Hahaha.

Me? I'm starting to respond to His voice now. Yes, next year will be a big year for me. I have big dreams to achieve. After all, life is just me, myself and I.^^

Me and her were talking about marriage, she reminded me again to find a godly man in life who can lead you and mould you. Happiness with non Christian partner is just temporary, because if he/she don't  know how to love god, he/she will go astray.

Aiya, I can only be there for sister if she needs me. IF...she needs la. Cuz most of the time now she doesn't. Well..... Life.

I guess if she realized how less time she spent with me. Haha. Nah, I don't feel abandoned anymore, because I have decided to be cruel in my way, to myself. I'm comfortable this way, rejecting people, meeting people that I wanna meet. 

I did something that blowed my own mind yesterday. I bought a few flight tickets and I will go off. My main trip will be in May! Stay tune! I can't believe I did that, solely believe its Him who give me the signal now,I'm moving on.

Tonight, no stars, can't do star gazing. Sigh. 

Lord, I put everything before You now. I don't wanna care, don't wanna mind, don't wanna think about anything but just you and only you.

Speak to me, Your will, I just wanna go Your way. Teach me how to love and forgive. Teach me how to deal with people that hurt me. Teach me how to start a new....

I'm surrendering all to You.

Short script

Start to build the distance. Not far, not near. Just that I am doing my own things. 

Work was good the past week. I'm just gonna do my part. 

Yesterday night was good. Spent time with people that made my life in Tawau meaningful.

Today, on a road trip. My photo taking sessions failed this morning, yet, I have another star gazing mission to do these few days. 

Road trip was good, tiring, but at least something to do on a Saturday. Well, kill my time by writing something. I am blessed than god has answered prayer on house. Stress relieved, but the stress of packing starts.

Gonna start packing these few days.

I dunno what will happen in the future months when my clams are gone, life will be different definitely, but I won't stop building my life. Maybe existence of some people will made a stigma in my life, but life goes on.

Still gotta accept the fact that all of us are passer by for one another right? The key is to not get too close to people, it makes things easier.

I'm happy today because it's considered contented. 

I'm in an ignoring stage, only take in what I wanna know, what I wanna hear, what I wanna see. Will start with this strategy before I progress to someone better. Currently, I am searching for my comfort zone. 

I was always being reminded on why am I being sent to merotai. I believe that god cares about how I feel, and He has greater plans for me. I'm just gonna run with my visions, and do what I want and change my perspective on things. Will learn..... And I am learning. 

Occupying myself on tasks, meet ups, sleeps. Because I believe, when moments are gone, it's gone. That's why moments are precious. 

I don't regret what happened, I will step forward and walk even braver than before. 

Like I said, old me will be gone. I hope so. New one will emerge.

God, I rely on You to raise me up, and mould me once again, to who you want me to be.

Another day without interaction.

I guess, what I longed for after a long day working in merotai is to spend time recharging myself by spending time with people, and have good and quality time.

So, I am an extrovert right? Being at home being bitter drains my energy and I cannot take it.

Today is my first outbound CG. I actually quite enjoyed it because I finally seen some light in my spiritual growth. Medical camps, activities, togetherness. I dunno.

Will see how it goes. But a CG definitely need a pastor to lead and to teach, and share.

Someone actually cared for me, becaus I requested prayer for journey mercy. I drove 90km/hr average and they said its dangerous. So Mel and YM restricted 60km/hr for me. Omg. It will take forever for me to reach.

Hahaha. They keep on re-emphasize on 60!!!!

So nice of both of them.^^

Well, the Only regret today.... Didn't talk to sister at all. We are like from different time zone. Ok la, humans born alone, and will reach heaven alone as well.

I got complains to do, wanna discuss about the house, but.... Sigh. So, i need to take it myself first before i release it to her. I am so broken in this matter...

Whatever la. I will just rely on God.

Today's work was good. I think I need to pick up lots of things. Anyway, dispensing is good also, when u always think that u don't wanna be in OPD setting, sekali now I am dispensing antibiotics and syrups daily, and doing reports which I dislike, managing staffs just like in Retail which I dislike, doing ordering of stock and make sure med is sufficient. See!? Be careful of what u wished for.

My leg got worse. Jamilah said 6 weeks to recover. Gosh... 6 weeks.

6 weeks without sports! How can I survive!?!?? 

God, u hear my cry. You know everything about me, and I know You will give me the best You can! Faith.... Just gonna trust in You.

I'm tired. If everyday is the same as today, there won't be any interactions anymore. 

Lord, stop me from self destructing. I guess, it's just 10mins. 

Good night people. My eyes are dropping. 

Lunch-at-the-counter.

I miss lunch, I miss lunching with people.

Anyhow, I think the reason that i am transported to KKMB is clearly shown. Besides fated to be alone. God definitely wants me to learn something here.

Plus, why me and Ganesh got deported? Haha, the good reason behind is left for u to think.

Mode: sleepy, lunch just died and I prefer sleeping. Phobia as well, but going strong. Longing for accompany, and acceptance. 

Found a new mode to release emotions, my Yuki. Like I said, she is the most faithful companion ever. 

I have always feel that I am here, fighting alone, with Him. 

'I am always there...'

What does this means?

Can't I just deserve a bit of time? Pumpkin knows how to do this well. I really appreciate that she knows how to put me into her time. But, it took us time to feel so comfortable with each other.

I miss her, and I am always there for her when she needs me. So does she. Seriously, when I first emt her, I dunno this relationship is gonna progress till this stage. 

Mum called and glad that her health is okay.^^ now, left my grandfather, next month.^^

God, continue to less my family abundantly!^^

Now, my current stress is finding a place to stay. Housemates are hard to find, and houses are hard to find, it seems like god is wanting me to wait for his timing as well, just like how I got to know I got klinik kesihatan instead of hospital setting. 

So, I can only wait, and look around. By end of this month, still no answer, then....I dunno what to do, what to expect d.

God knows what I am thinking, how I feel. 

Maybe He needs to teach me how to hand,e things and trust Him at the same time, 

My heart is aching la, thinking about me and sister. How in the world things can turn out this way!? It's all my fault. And... I feel like I'm being tossed away, I'm a person of action, but too bad, not all show action. I just need to expand ,y frequency to MEASAT I think. 

I need a break...from feeling this way.

Sometimes I wish to just disappear, don't care about anything. But I just can't, it's too irresponsible.

I can't run away, because I think God has a lesson to teach me here, that's why I am still in Tawau. And I can't seem to learn it.

I can't wait for 13/12/13. I'm running away to KK that weekend. 

Argh.

I'm scattered, see the things that I write, it's every where.

Anxious, anticipation, these wont add one more hour to my life, so..why feel so. Right?

God's words, I will hang on to it.

CG tonight. God, I need a support group who can feed me spiritually. 

Amen.

Such a beautiful view from my counter...;)

Tide

'You'll only know you love her when you let her go'

Searching for houses is like a pain in the ass because now I feel like I am going no where.

Trusting that god will provide...

This is what bothers me currently.

Was emotionally unstable again yesterday. Sigh, caused some hurts as well. 

I'm so lost of idea until I dunno what to do.

Perhaps some intention and attention? Staying away from me doesn't solve anything. 

Lord, just 2 weeks. I pray that these 2 week's evil temptation won't rule over me and You will bless me with a clear mind to know what is right and what is wrong.

Speak to me all the time. 

I commit the house issue onto your hand, lord bless us a house or a housemate. 

Give me determination not to give up, because I found out that I am prone in giving up in tough situations. 

And I'm just gonna pray till you give me the answer. 

Amen.

I guess I should give myself and others a chance to turn into a new leaf.

Right?

T_T 

The balance ..... Where are u?

I need to try harder....:S