Worn

Frail and worm and torn

Tired, and worn.

A picture speaks a thousand words. 

That's how I feel now.

When I lie down, I just feel like sleeping my days off.

Random post

Melissa said:' it's not wrong to love others and love god. That's the two pillars that we hold on to.'

This girl is wise. Like sister.

Currently not expecting, not thinking. Sleeping and living my days off. 

2 more days perhaps?

At the same time ignoring Ganesh's last words. 

Mmm...........

I'm exhausted. Because today's patients are either deaf or blind. Shouted with my voice, and my voice box hurts.

Today morning prayer went well. I have one week to recover if I am still here to lead next Monday,^^

My mind is everywhere.

Yes, I am afraid. Insecure. A girl who doesn't favor rejection.

Good night la. Gotto bath and cook^^

I like today because I finally managed to dispense despite coughing like hell. But it's better than yesterday. Even my ppf also realize that I sick for very long d. One week.... I rebuke all bacteria and virus in Jesus name and I shall be healed!

Counting my days. ;) 

Just a thougt: will you miss me when I am gone? Haha...  Move on Kuen! 

I am sure god has a perfect plan for me o matter where am I!:)

Thanks Mel!!!^^

And thanks to sister whole heartedly for the card. So warm... Like Ten lee said' like family' ^^ 

Curtain's closing

我快要自我封锁了。 

Seeing things happening in an undesirable way. I need to find my passion back, back to kicking ass.

Next week, the D-week. 

A week that I have too many lessons to learn. 

To learn to be strong, be calm, trust god with all my heart and soul. Somehow this is the feeling I had a year ago. Same feeling.

This is the consequence when you got attached too deeply to something that you shouldn't.

I have to accept the fact that nothing stays forever.

Why he has to be the obstacle? 

Why?

Why I have to make myself suffer that way?

Shift my focus?

Leave everything?

Find something else?

These few days are my vulnerable days. If possible, I don't wanna talk, I don't wanna be probed.

Greedy kan?  Wanna be cared, and wanna be the one and only attention!?

Kuen, u are too much. Too much!

Mm.... Today, Mustaqim is the blessing in disguise. I coughed like mad dog and almost vomited. 

Tonight, I just wanna spend time with god.. And Ganesh + sister. 

Monday, 730am. Prayer group in tdm room.

My friend texts me this morning, and I got to know that Our God done great things on her and her younger brother! 

Somehow, god has been the planner for all these to happen!!:)

I'm too emotional. I can't go on this way. 

Loving to do things alone, overly independent , Lone Ranger , and all these has got to stop!  

Tkd, I will take u up again.

Guitar, I will make u mine.

It's time... It's time to let go of myself, and contribute to the society.

Lord, teach me how to love like you. Heal my heart and make it clean... Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

I long for a peaceful heart.

I hope this is not the last photo. Cuz this indicates the beginning, and not the end.. 

My dearest family member here.^^

Love both of them lots!

Sister, who taught me lots of things. She taught me about patience, and never give up in things, rely on God and chill! Hahaha.

Ganesh, a person that I wish I had quarrels with. His humor always filled the atmosphere of the house. 

Lastly, one selfish hope from me to God. Can all of us stay? Will my selfish payer being answered?

Good night people. .... and I need a break from coughing!!!!

Ps: thank sister for the touching words.... T_T I love you! 

Sermon,visions.

During worship, god says:'do you trust me?? Do you!!?'

Me:'yes lord!!! Yes!!!'

God says..'rejoice... REJOICE in all circumstances!!!!  And smile to me and dancing away...

The worship group continues worshipping.

And images of god dancing wi angels in a circles appear... And He is dancing and ask me to join along, and yell 'Rejoice!! Trust me, Rejoice!!!'

I am amazed... Because when the bishop talked bout hope, and rejoice.

Romans 5:1-5

In His timing, all will happen. 

Rejoice in hope of e glory of God!-Romans 5:2

See! Again, the visions and conversations had with god during worship (before sermon) is not an imagination!!!!!!!

T_T

God... You never leave me. You look after me all the time.. Yes, I think I have disappoint you by not trusting and not rejoicing in your name, instead,  I grieved. 

Hebrews 6:18-19

So, god has spoken directly to me. I gues, I will rejoice in His name in everything and in whatever result that I get in a few day's time.

God knows Rejoicing even before the sermon was delivered. And that is the thing that He told me during P&W.

God, You are an awesome God!!!!

The final say is with god. God has the final say for everything. SO, just hope in The Lord.  

还是， 害怕。

真的很害怕。

I don't know what makes me so weak these few days. 

Today, I feel something was not right, during lunch, I kept quiet because there was some uneasy feeling in me. 

I was not ok. Because it was a bad feeling. I don't know how to describe.

Immediately, when I was back to work, got a few miss call, and called back. 

One of the calls was the news, the news that I was long awaiting. 

I was in shock. 

Kept dispensing...till Ganesh came to opd and peek me. 

He was in sweat after CDR, and he talked to me.

I was devastated. Gosh.... Knowing that the news which is partially true.

I am not worrying about me leaving, I am more worried on him leaving.

I don't wanna part with anyone. 

I have the evil thought, why must it be him? Why it's not him? Why? Why not me?

Yeah, it might be me and at some certain point of time, I really wished it was me. 

We talked in the Stor, me got emotional. Cried on his shoulder.... And he pretended to be strong and give me advise. Giving me deal that if he gets to stay, we will swap.

My tears just flow non stop. 

He comforted me, silly him. He feels like crying more than a thousand times that I did.

And he called after an hour. 

Holding back tears and tearing while dispensing is just so suffocating, I really thank god for the mask. It shield me from lots of things.

He called.. And said its still uncertain, and tell me to be good and dispense properly... Not to cry or whatsoever. 

I nodded like a baby. Omg. 

I haven't feel so vulnerable until this moment.

I guess it's the love that I have for both of them. Love them both a lot. A lot.

I love him more than I could imagine. I thought I be mean to him and treat him just like a normal friend, but... It's not like that.

Sister on the other side accepts my love in her own unique way.. But I still love her with all I have, and all I could.  I feel guilty for being such a jerk in my own way, I hope she doesn't mind. Because I feel like crying the whole day and I can't just cry in front of her. I wonder how will she react if she was at Ganesh 's place this afternoon in the Stor instead of Ganesh himself.

Just came back from Tinagat. A place that I fall In Love with Tawau. A place that I spend most of my lonely time, a place that mend relationships, a place that memories were created, a place where I see god's wonderful creation.

I guess, she made this point right. It's all in God's hand and He is faithful. God, I put my trust in You that in You, the end is always a beginning.

Heal my heart oh Lord. 

I need to learn how to let go.

Maybe what Ganesh said was right. He has learnt all the things that he need in Tawau, maybe it's time for me to learn this lesson, and for that I will stay till I learnt the lesson.

Overdosed on ibuprofen, diphenhydramine , and bromhexine. It's time to sleep.

Today, it's the day in my history that I experience bipolar in just a few hours time. Not cool.

I need to let go. Let go of him, let go of her, let go of myself, and fall on His arms, and let Him hug me, pat me to sleep, and sway me to where He thinks it's good for me.

'You don't worry too much first, it's still uncertain...'

To me, it's pretty certain if someone can mention a name that he/she didn't even recognize or meet before.

Kuen, stay calm, stay strong, let go, let God.

^^ 

"Without love, all is nothing'

Down with sick mode.

First time in my life, people actually cared and make decisions for me. 

Yes, I am 'forced' by my two lovely family here to take EL.

Awesome right?

Actually, I don't think I can dispense too with my condition today. It's not getting any better, and it's not getting worse. 

Well, so..here I go. Rest at home. 

I'm gonna take medications and sleep! Getting all the rest that I need la. 

I am so blessed to have both of them in Tawau. 

So blessed....

And sister slapped me 'can you please don't be so stubborn ?'

Haha.... Yes, then I have decided to follow her instruction. 

Stubborn is no good. I feel feverish now. Thank god she force me to take off day, if not... I will be just like a crippled girl sitting in OPD, wearing mask, walking like a sick cat.

Blessed day to all of u!!!^^

What a day.

Torturous day.....

First thing first, I think my lungs gonna fall out/coughed out due to my serious cough.

Secondly,  my body feel so weak that I think I have malnutrition. Lol

Thirdly, I sound like a toad! So unpleasant. I don't feel like talking at all, u knw, can get shocked by listening to my own voice.

So... There goes my immune system. Have been feeding myself with diphenhydramine syrup, ibuprofen tabs. And now, I am taking bromhexine syrup for my thick phlegm.

Slept till 10plus am , but it's interrupted sleep. Sigh......... 

My itchy throat, but thank god the Fishermn's friend Is helping me much. Still my nocturnal cough is killing my sleep.

Despite beng sick, I feel blessed. Sister is so protective over me... T_T 

She took the responsibility to dispense for me. 

I was coughing like mad dog la. Gosh.

Sigh... I feel super guilty. Yes, I will make it up to her.;) to love he more!^^ hehe.

Today is an unproductive day for me. 

Lord, I will heal in Jesus name!:)

Thank You for sending sister into my life.^^

Good night peeps. I feel so weak now... 

1 cor 13:4-7

Ps: 其实我发觉我不习惯人家对我好， 不习惯人家为我牺牲。 我，一定会学者接受人家的心意，和爱。

Yes, different people express their love and care differently. It's the little things that makes me happy, and loved. ^^

Good night.;)

Thought.

Just a thought.

This question suddenly raided when I was busy swapping locum with sister.

Owh well......

It's because she feels uncomfortable being with a 'so called stranger' after not seeing each other for a few months.

Mmm,.,,,

So, I thought...

'What if I meet sister again after a year? Will she avoid seeing me just like how she did to this so called stranger?'

Lol.

It's an interesting question that I wished to find answer.

Err... Again, I am being reminded of 'be careful of what u wished for, you just might get it all...'

And sister is worse than Mel, I guess Mel holds the better role in keeping in touch with Old friends.

Hahahaha. Something that is very unpredictable.hahahaha!

Again, when will I get down from sister's train? Or when will she get down from my train and board to another's train? I don't know.

One thing I wish is that when she gets to board into my train again after a long period of time being in another person's train, I still hope that she will still feel like home. Because so far, those who boarded my train has never fail to feel warmth when they board my train again!:) haha. Self praise. Lol.

Love her to bits!^^

We won't know what will happen down the road. I'm just gonna walk by faith. That's all.

-------------------------

Today off day, contented. Why? Because I get to catch up with people that I don't get to catch up frequently, was on the phone almost the whole day.

Face time, phone calls... 

^^

Fiona-->my ji mui

Sher-->my dearest, like my family member.

Pumpkin--> my precious, my little sister. Very close to heart sister.

Anyhow, I feel very sweet today, cuz.... Sister cooked..!T_T!

So touched wei... 

And she made me honey drinks... T_T

All made from love. 

God, can you please don't take this girl away from me? And don't take me away from her?

If we were to part, let us part with a godly way, and not all in a sudden?

At least pull the honk when the train is about to stop so that we could unboard the train safely, and happily?

And.. Bless us with a safe and happy  journey in life as we board to another train in our lives!

I commit this relationship onto your hand, and whatever happens, I know that You reign.^^

*yawns*

I will overdose myself with diphenhydramine syrup so that I can sleep longer without interruptions..(cough)

Good day!!!!^^

Signing off.

Isaiah 41:10

*killed siu keong with my barefoot* T_T 

I miss you bro.... T_T

charades, taboo, and some realizations.

ITS POST 3 hours of charades. yes, its 230am now.

Just feel like writing how I feel and watching “about cherry” at the same time. a good movie though. ^^

Just a few hours ago, my friends came over for charades and taboo. Its an awesome hangout because its been long since I’ve played Taboo though. Kinda miss my cg.. and my board games kaki.

So, my friends AKA colleagues came over for games and booze. ^^

There were MEl, SL, Pao, Shicks, Yen, Sis, me, August, and Gun.

All of us were guessing and playing charades and Taboo.

IT was a night full of laughters though. hahah. It will stay as memories in Tawau! =)

 

One thing I realized… when its sister’s turn, she linked it with all that both of us has done in our daily life!!!

just like “……. you sleep talk, but you are…. (doing the walking gesture with her fingers!)”

yes, sleep walking is the answer.  I feel that I have been exposed. hahaha!

 

lots more example! She can spontaneously think of the things that we have, and things that we have done! =)

 

I don’t know if this is just a phase of life where people board into my life and will go off in the next station, but… like what ganesh always tell me. “appreciate every single moment of your life with the person present at the very moment.”

mmm… more charades to come up next?! hahaha…

 

writing this blog just to remember this moment, its like the best time I had in Tawau. a night with charades, beer, and great friends.

 

plus… some realization that makes me bittersweet. sweet? yeah… sweet and guilty.

because what I thought it might be right turned out to be another way round instead. God let me see this scene, showing me that what I see and perceive IS NOT TRUE AT ALL! and I am leaning on my own understanding on it.

kuen…..kuen……. when can u learn this lesson? ANyway, its sweet to know when someone actually treasures and remembers the daily life and daily routine.. and most of the examples came out from it. 

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

ok, close that topic. Start a new. REcently found out that my Fifi has delievered?!?! I guess? gosh, this aunty very mysterious and until now also I havent spoken to her!

lol.

 

Fifi is someone I met when I was in LC Pharmacy, still a kinnasai that time.

 

maybe I should call her and update myself. haha. feel kinda disconnected though.

 

Owe a few person phone calls.

It’s a public holiday today. TIme to catch up I guess?

 

but first, fill up my spirit and stomach first. ^^

 

PS: took so long to post this blog cuz the screen was watching me when I was typing yesterday. 

 

Kuen is counting down to KayElle!

Sunday…

Counting on my sundays?

 

Had a great lunch with sister, glad it didn’t turn out to be silence.. (which most of the time wont). haha.

 

Went to church yesterday and today as well. Planned to change my focus onto God. fully.

Well, I am still learning on how not to let obstacles be the hindrance to relationships. Tough act to follow, tough lesson to learn.

Ahhhh… SUnday, spent time with Ganesh, and sister. Supposed to take a nap but I need to submit some “stuff” to my boss. haha. so, now thinking on how to settle it. mmm….

 

Just wanna do some updates.

FGA is currently having YA camp in Genting, PEacehaven.How I wish I was there. HAving fun with my dearest, listening to GOd’s words, fellowship, and catch fire. ITs not that I didn’t catch fire here, but…. I kinda miss my home church. and GMC.

 

Today’s sermon is about catching fire, and not contempt the word of God by not responding to it. I think I have been ignoring it for some time, and causes my stagnancy.

The fire is still burning in me, but I am afraid in doing the things that I don’t think I can.

God wants me to build an army.. through the things that I am going through, and through my environment. I clearly heard that and seen that. God hasn’t give up. So shouldn’t i.

 

My cough is getting worse. =(

worse thing to happen in OPD when u are supposed to dispense the WHOLE DAY.

Sister is such a sweetie pie.Well, I know in all ways she wants to know me and she wants to know everything about me. Am I that mysterious? hahaha.

I am touched that she wants to protect me in the way that she could. mmm.. obviously I look more like the person who protects people instead of people protecting me. haha. but deep down, I have the same desire. I wished someone could protect me, offer arms when I need, lift me up when I am down, caress me head when I am sad, lend me a shoulder to cry on when things don’t turn well… mmm…. these…. are just longings. because, I am on tough act to follow. hahaha.

me, well known as a stubborn girl, but I have a soft heart. soft enough to die for people that I love.  =)

well, the thought of her “covering” me in OPD is as sweet as honey. ^^ that’s her way of caring and loving me, protecting me. I will commit this relationship to God as well, just like How HE mended mine and Sher, and Mine and LW. God be the centre of us.. our lives.

 

God has taught us to love our neighbour, and enemy.

I have been too judgemental and emotional about things that I see. Indeed, God says “thou shall not judge as you will be judged”

My mind is still all over the place.

 

Last Friday, its CME at 2pm.

bitter thoughts came to my mind…. my voice said “so… I have to bid farewell to clinicals….soon.”

I have the passion, but now, I just need to switch my passion to something else, (if the rumours are true).

 

I prayed about it. HE never fails, He gave me a vision. and I was on the way climbing to the peak of a hill, a mountain.

He wants me to conquer the mountain wherever I am. Yes, I will obey. Whatever that I will do in the future, I will make sure that I do my best, for Him.

 

at the meantime, fleshly.. I need to forgo my hope towards something that I like.

So sweet when HE actually tells me… “it doesn’t mean u need to give up on the things that u like…”

 

well…… again. we wont know what will happen until the time comes. Currently, I’m just gonna live my prophecy and leave all unnecessary greed, jealousy, emotions behind. Really need full strength to do so. Not easy. To let go is not easy. I’m just gonna let GOD this time.

LEtting go the people you love, letting go on the things you like… these are not easy tasks.

I planned to restart TKD in november, after finding a suitable centre. I will start my weekend life back.

It has been free and easy. Guess I need to take back some of the responsibilities and do the things that I love… once again.

 

SItting at this room, facing my 6 years old lappy, listening to kids laughters, the noise, the silence, the 4 walls.

Is it gonna end?

 

God, I just want you to lead me to where you are.

To where you are. yes… to the place where you are there, glorious and victorious.

 

 

I cant stop myself from counting the days that I will be here, or MIGHT be here.

 

Lord, just fly me up to where you are.

 

A live version of “TO where you are…”

by my fav, Josh Groban.

 

 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 

the promise that I hold.

Lil updates.

Weekend. A bit motiveless. But.... I am embracing the free time doing nothing,

Lots of things has been crossing my mind lately. 

Yes, Kuen is greedy. 

Somehow, I think the 'untouched' feeling is a feeling of disappointment, rebellion. 

Where do I stand?

Like I said, I have been feeling unsecured and still, these are all satan's temptations, I know. 

I should just let it be, let Him decide, I know. But I still can't help myself from thinking about it.

Not only this, the thought of....... Sigh, it's just killing,

God is trying to lead me to somewhere new. I don't know if I can take it or if I can adapt.

I dislike changes, but changes are the path that god will take to show His glory.

Obedient, yes, obedience Kuen.

Today, mood is so so, thanks to the irritated throat, and cough. Got infected. I think it's the rain. I walked under the rain that day. Well.... 

Was walking through Niah Cave last week, what I enjoyed the most, it's the falling rain on the leaves, the sound, the melody of nature. Birds chirping.... Insects screeching. These are works of God, force of nature.

My last few weeks here? Perhaps? 

Currently, enjoying the air, the atmospher, the silence, the companion.

Who knows, it's going to be an end soon, and a beginning of something new....soon.

Signing off,

Blessed weekend.

Jeremiah 29:11.

shalom

人生的希望，不管在何时何处，只要与神同在。。所有都是幸福的。

I'm glad that god called be during times of despair, like I mentioned before, God is always the best comforter that one can have.

What's next?

Live on with life and conquer the mountain.

Sensitize my heart oh lord, strengthen my mind, be my armor.

Shalom. 

feel…devastated.

I have been devastated since yesterday.

 

yes, u might not understand why this small things makes me feel so….. wrong, but yes it does.

 

First thing’s first, the news that I got was about my placement after my posting.

ok, it doesn’t make sense if it bothers me, BUT! how I feel?

 

I feel like I have been a ball, being thrown here and there and just to fill in the current empty place!

 

and… currently its just DIC and Store.

mmm….. ok. what the hack.

 

the thing is!!! I feel devastated because his name is not being mentioned… T_T

 

and… this means goodbye.

 

I feel very very insecure.

If he doesn’t get to retain, I think I will be alone….

She has him-to-be.

left me….. trying to built my life over something else.

its so depressing. I just don’t know why…..

is this jealousy? depressed feeling? or just greed???

 

I really really don’t know. knowing the fact that I am NOT alone actually is just not enough.

Maybe I am too greedy.

 

and people keep reminding me about the placing, this and that…

stop it, please.

 

how I feel currently?

I feel vulnerable, weak, and emotionless. I’m too tired to feel. too tired to argue.

Talked to Carmen. Well, kinda confirmed that my name is being KIV-ed in Stor. so……what else can I say?

 

I feel like bursting out and scream out. how many times I tried to do that, but …. it just failed.

 

somehow, Carmen reminds me that God’s plan is to prosper me. well, Jeremiah 29:11, AGAIN!

gosh…

 

I still cannot figure out why this verse keep appearing. but.. if I really got what they say I will get, ….mmm….. its really God’s plan and God’s preparation for me to accept things that He knows I CANNOT accept IMMEDIATELY. that’s why HE keeps sending this verse as Rhema Words for me.

 

I am still emo, but more calmed. Tired mentally, and I have decided to go to church instead of mourning on my emotions.

 

I am so sorry that all these causes hurts to those around me but I mean no harm. its just me and my set “style” in dealing with problems.

 

Currently, I am very emotional. I have the thought that I will be alone like… FOREVER.

 

What he said is right, we have got to part at some point of life. and… I AM NOT READY FOR ALL THESE!

he made me cry yesterday, and he left lots of last words for me. T_T

 

I told him…. “I will be alone……. sobs… alone….”

he said “ nah, u wont be… promise me that you wont be antisocial ok? u knw she’s gotto find her happiness as well, and so as u….”

me.. “I want you to stay…. T_T”

 

I am sad of leaving, and I don’t  send people off!! and he said “well, we make a deal ok? if we get somewhere else and we will send the person to the place, and make sure that the person is ready and good to start a new life before going off, ok?”

 

me… “T_T…..”

 

the conversation is still bothering me…. very much.

 

He said “darling, you got to learn how to let go…. u knw. come to think of is, we come into this world alone, and will die alone as well…”

 

he just made things even worse.

 

its been 24 hours since I feel like crying every single minute.

 

As from me, as in how I feel….

I feel so sad…. so down, so……. not me… at all.

I don’t feel like talking about it. NExt,  DIC and Stor is not my cup of tea. BUT just now my pumpkin called, and she said “If this is what God wants to give, you will have to take it, and God has good plans for you!”

 

mind me… she doesn’t have a single clue on what I am going through, as I kept my lips sealed very well. didn’t even tell anyone though.

 

God sent angel to speak to me.

 

Maybe clinicals are not for me. that’s why He sent LKP to strike me down.

Maybe He wants me to learn something else, in benefiting His kingdom.

Maybe He knows I am lazy enough for clinicals, and I am better with management?

God… why you have so many MAYBEs in mortal’s life?!?!?!?!?

why cant all just being revealed in just a click!

 

u knw, GOD told me yesterday…. CLEARLY. “Sin is…doing something according to YOUR way instead of GOD’s way!”

 

yes, by hoping and demanding for something that I want is SIN.

 

Now, I am learning to surrender this issue, and surrender myself to Him in this matter.

I feel so tired…. and I need God’s hug.

really wished someone can hug me now, and just let me cry freely in their arms. *GMC, I miss you….. *

 

u might think it’s a stupid thing to worry about, just say …. errrm… I hoped too much? I demand too much? I expect too much?

 

from now onwards…. I wont live in expectations anymore.

What come may. and whatever it may be.

Que Sera Sera….

 

 

*phew, feel so good after pouring my heart out.* its been long since I do “complaining” post. I hope this will be one of the very last. *

 

 

signing off, with a surrendering mode to God. yes, I will fall anytime now…. this is the weakest moment I have.

 

Tomorrow will be a better day! =) YES!

Emmanual, He is with us.

 

“we will not forget”—Desperation band.

 

I guess, when mistakes happens, all you need to do is just trust in God in mending mistakes that you have made.

Today, I give glory to God. because without Him, I wouldn’t have been back here.

 

I was reading back my blog post in the plane, while setting my mind straight on the things that had happened in just 20 minutes time.

Now I know why they said “Time is Gold, and life is so unpredictable, and Life is not LIFE if you don’t take risk!”

 

hahaha.

 

totally different, stupid, dumb idea.

 

anyhow, today’s sequence of events has left me feeling guilty. sigh.

Honestly, I am truly, truly guilty of what has happened.

 

No doubt, a good experience, but……. its eating my soul out.

 

These few days has been a blessing, and i still have the feeling of leaving Tawau. Don’t really know why, but sometimes, it’s the damn feeling which I cannot describe.

Sometimes, I just wished that I disappeared like that. DUSH. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing, but… it still need to happen?

No idea, sometimes I feel like I will be thrown off. After What my slutty sister have told me, I think I will be thrown away.

well, think about it, I don’t mind starting a new life with slutty sister though. woohoo! but the thought of leaving lost sister is just as sad as…….THAT.

I guess, I have been building my life around her. that’s why this creates the all emotion thing. mmm….. Come to think about it, lots has happened for the past one year, I am pretty much contented. I am closer to God, further from people, and I know what I want in Life.

 

God has sent me to SAbah, for my parents to accept me as a Christian, and what more can I expect?

 

God’s plan is perfect, just like JEremiah 29:11. Somehow, this verse keeps appearing to me.

 

Me, will not give up. For I knw, wherever that I am being sent, its God’s plan, god’s grace, God’s glory.

So, I can only commit my life to Him.

 

Reading back my post, I think I was quite a jovial person in nature. yes, WAS. now, I think I sounded more depressed than ever. Gosh.

 

The past few days.. will be a memory that I will cherish. Miri-Brunei-Bintulu.

guess the most important is memories, well, sometimes I do feel abandoned, but… I’m used to it. HAHAHAH!

 

Now, TAWAU! Let me enjoy you for the last few weeks!!!! *just in case I have to leave*

 

Joshua, Sher,… I miss you both so much.

 

T_T

 

COunting days to go back KL.

To Him be the Glory.

 

the previous post, is sort of like a prophecy of what happened after that.

 

Its been long since I wrote a poem. I thank God my idea came back, and the poem is for Him.

 

Emmanual,Shalom, agape.

 

thank you for the Rhema words.

As if all is well planned

As if all is well planned.

Obstacles appeared, my faith is challenged.

He seems so far away, but he said 'I am near'

He emphasized 'You can't see me, doesn't mean I am not there'

'Trust in me with all your heart' He says.

In the plane, and flashbacks are everywhere.

I could not believe that things that has happened, and it just did.

Still couldn't recall and understand 'why all this!?!'

My faith is challenged, and my trust shakes.

He is faithful, and he always does.

Knowing that I am despair, and lose my sight and trust,

He keeps reminding me 'I am not seen but I am here'

He tells me that He is near, near and glorious.

Victory is the one I have gained?

With all the money spent, but lives saved?

These are the things that I can't understand.

What logic behind all these insane events?!

'For god so love the world', I must believe.

He loves me, and I do too.

Let this be a lesson learnt in life,

Let this too be His glory that shines in my life.

My faith is never the same.

Putting puzzles together with all the wrong things,

Hunger for His love, and his plan reigns.

Let his glory shines all over this place.

What can I say? His love never fails.

the truth.?

 

This post… is inspired by Ganesh… again.. no, its not him actually, its actually by the song  <I dreamed a dream>

 

Got a super sad news today. well, I have no freaking idea why I call it <sad>. Maybe because it’s the unwillingness to say goodbye to sister, and tawau.

because currently I feel unappreciated, and an excruciating feeling of heartache. At the same time, I am feeling glad that I had a high chance to leave this place.

cries are just for a few moments. I can endure.

Just wanna describe the feeling of feeling unappreciated. it doesn’t feel good. I guess, besides people saying.. “kesian Dellynn….” nothing else they could say or do.

 

I take note of this post, because if things are not the way I think it will end up as, I will remember why people don’t appreciate my presence, at work.

 

so, currently, negativity rules over my feelings. mmm…. not a good time to talk, not a good time to express my feelings, because its all tempted by evil.

 

I feel like crying after talking to ganesh. well, he never fails to make me see things from the other way round. He is sometimes full of nonsense, but I like the way he is.

 

I like the way he said to one of the ppf….. “orang yang baik baik kamu tendang, orang yang tidak baik dan ada masalah kamu simpan…”

 

lol. HE is trying to protect his view! haha. I love it!

 

Right now.. yes, right now, I feel very….. heart ache la. pain in the inside, but there’s no one that can understand me.

talk to her? well.. she is the subject in this matter, and I am trying to make things sounded as positive as it is. mmm…. who knows the pain behind the smiles? and behind “its ok… no worries, just start a new only bah…. God will have greater plans for me!”

 

yeah, no one know what the small fragile heart is going through.

Speak out? nah….. there are things that we better swallow it ourselves rather than to say it out and share. why burden people with unwanted rubbish?

 

listening to <I dreamed a dream> is just so depressing. hahaha. Susan Boyle, u did it. =)

 

“darling, you need to let go…. u knw, its not forever….. someday, someone’s gotto go.”

 

yeah, I was being naïve… thinking that staying for people’s sake is very GRAND, EGOISTIC. haha. end up, I challenged God’s decision.  “Its either here or elsewhere.”

 

As for me and my house, I will live according to His plans, His will.

 

Actually I thought of writing my last words during my “so called” last few weeks in tAwau.

 

Ganesh is right, there is a reason why we were never being given any responsibility. HAHAHA.

 

wanna know the truth?

 

Actually, in the beginning of the log book submission, I felt the same way. knowing that I am not gonna stay, or be retained because I leave a “good” name behind.

 

aiya… parts and parcel of life. that’s why I have been numbing myself with the possibilities of me not staying, though the only persons in the house that I will miss are them. both of them.

 

I still feel like crying.. flashing the moment that I have to leave. but chatting with Ganesh made leaving easier… he just dissected sabah and the people and friends who are there, which made leaving easier. HAHAHA.

 

 

tmr is a brand new day. lets start it brand new.)

 

 

So, there goes Susan Boyle’s . Lovely song.

 

 

I dreamed a dream……

 

God will maneuver my life.