Cruel.

What is normal? What is abnormality?

I realize that my home life has been a bit out of place. 

Am I being rebellious? 

Are things still normal?

I have no idea. But what I comprehend now is I'm gonna do what I want, what He wants. And build my happiness. That's all.

I'm not gonna ask till someone asks me. U know, sick and tired of being rejected. 

And when I feel so, I feel like I'm gonna collapse. But,,, well, god is always with me. 

My life has been great. Did some reports today, dispensed a little, read a little, life is so ar all well, guess I enjoyed my life more than anyone else does.

I'm not pure, not naive. I can fake a smile but still feel bitter. 

Well, I guess I just need to pull myself away in order to find the right distance to come back. Currently, I just feel like distancing myself.

I'm closing up though. Doing thing very surface. Guess I need time.

Yesterday was great, had a great chat and fellowship with her. I'm glad I ditched movie. Because I feel uncomfortable. I rather spend time talking and catching up than watching movie and be bitter. I rather watch alone. Hahaha.

Me? I'm starting to respond to His voice now. Yes, next year will be a big year for me. I have big dreams to achieve. After all, life is just me, myself and I.^^

Me and her were talking about marriage, she reminded me again to find a godly man in life who can lead you and mould you. Happiness with non Christian partner is just temporary, because if he/she don't  know how to love god, he/she will go astray.

Aiya, I can only be there for sister if she needs me. IF...she needs la. Cuz most of the time now she doesn't. Well..... Life.

I guess if she realized how less time she spent with me. Haha. Nah, I don't feel abandoned anymore, because I have decided to be cruel in my way, to myself. I'm comfortable this way, rejecting people, meeting people that I wanna meet. 

I did something that blowed my own mind yesterday. I bought a few flight tickets and I will go off. My main trip will be in May! Stay tune! I can't believe I did that, solely believe its Him who give me the signal now,I'm moving on.

Tonight, no stars, can't do star gazing. Sigh. 

Lord, I put everything before You now. I don't wanna care, don't wanna mind, don't wanna think about anything but just you and only you.

Speak to me, Your will, I just wanna go Your way. Teach me how to love and forgive. Teach me how to deal with people that hurt me. Teach me how to start a new....

I'm surrendering all to You.

Short script

Start to build the distance. Not far, not near. Just that I am doing my own things. 

Work was good the past week. I'm just gonna do my part. 

Yesterday night was good. Spent time with people that made my life in Tawau meaningful.

Today, on a road trip. My photo taking sessions failed this morning, yet, I have another star gazing mission to do these few days. 

Road trip was good, tiring, but at least something to do on a Saturday. Well, kill my time by writing something. I am blessed than god has answered prayer on house. Stress relieved, but the stress of packing starts.

Gonna start packing these few days.

I dunno what will happen in the future months when my clams are gone, life will be different definitely, but I won't stop building my life. Maybe existence of some people will made a stigma in my life, but life goes on.

Still gotta accept the fact that all of us are passer by for one another right? The key is to not get too close to people, it makes things easier.

I'm happy today because it's considered contented. 

I'm in an ignoring stage, only take in what I wanna know, what I wanna hear, what I wanna see. Will start with this strategy before I progress to someone better. Currently, I am searching for my comfort zone. 

I was always being reminded on why am I being sent to merotai. I believe that god cares about how I feel, and He has greater plans for me. I'm just gonna run with my visions, and do what I want and change my perspective on things. Will learn..... And I am learning. 

Occupying myself on tasks, meet ups, sleeps. Because I believe, when moments are gone, it's gone. That's why moments are precious. 

I don't regret what happened, I will step forward and walk even braver than before. 

Like I said, old me will be gone. I hope so. New one will emerge.

God, I rely on You to raise me up, and mould me once again, to who you want me to be.

Another day without interaction.

I guess, what I longed for after a long day working in merotai is to spend time recharging myself by spending time with people, and have good and quality time.

So, I am an extrovert right? Being at home being bitter drains my energy and I cannot take it.

Today is my first outbound CG. I actually quite enjoyed it because I finally seen some light in my spiritual growth. Medical camps, activities, togetherness. I dunno.

Will see how it goes. But a CG definitely need a pastor to lead and to teach, and share.

Someone actually cared for me, becaus I requested prayer for journey mercy. I drove 90km/hr average and they said its dangerous. So Mel and YM restricted 60km/hr for me. Omg. It will take forever for me to reach.

Hahaha. They keep on re-emphasize on 60!!!!

So nice of both of them.^^

Well, the Only regret today.... Didn't talk to sister at all. We are like from different time zone. Ok la, humans born alone, and will reach heaven alone as well.

I got complains to do, wanna discuss about the house, but.... Sigh. So, i need to take it myself first before i release it to her. I am so broken in this matter...

Whatever la. I will just rely on God.

Today's work was good. I think I need to pick up lots of things. Anyway, dispensing is good also, when u always think that u don't wanna be in OPD setting, sekali now I am dispensing antibiotics and syrups daily, and doing reports which I dislike, managing staffs just like in Retail which I dislike, doing ordering of stock and make sure med is sufficient. See!? Be careful of what u wished for.

My leg got worse. Jamilah said 6 weeks to recover. Gosh... 6 weeks.

6 weeks without sports! How can I survive!?!?? 

God, u hear my cry. You know everything about me, and I know You will give me the best You can! Faith.... Just gonna trust in You.

I'm tired. If everyday is the same as today, there won't be any interactions anymore. 

Lord, stop me from self destructing. I guess, it's just 10mins. 

Good night people. My eyes are dropping. 

Lunch-at-the-counter.

I miss lunch, I miss lunching with people.

Anyhow, I think the reason that i am transported to KKMB is clearly shown. Besides fated to be alone. God definitely wants me to learn something here.

Plus, why me and Ganesh got deported? Haha, the good reason behind is left for u to think.

Mode: sleepy, lunch just died and I prefer sleeping. Phobia as well, but going strong. Longing for accompany, and acceptance. 

Found a new mode to release emotions, my Yuki. Like I said, she is the most faithful companion ever. 

I have always feel that I am here, fighting alone, with Him. 

'I am always there...'

What does this means?

Can't I just deserve a bit of time? Pumpkin knows how to do this well. I really appreciate that she knows how to put me into her time. But, it took us time to feel so comfortable with each other.

I miss her, and I am always there for her when she needs me. So does she. Seriously, when I first emt her, I dunno this relationship is gonna progress till this stage. 

Mum called and glad that her health is okay.^^ now, left my grandfather, next month.^^

God, continue to less my family abundantly!^^

Now, my current stress is finding a place to stay. Housemates are hard to find, and houses are hard to find, it seems like god is wanting me to wait for his timing as well, just like how I got to know I got klinik kesihatan instead of hospital setting. 

So, I can only wait, and look around. By end of this month, still no answer, then....I dunno what to do, what to expect d.

God knows what I am thinking, how I feel. 

Maybe He needs to teach me how to hand,e things and trust Him at the same time, 

My heart is aching la, thinking about me and sister. How in the world things can turn out this way!? It's all my fault. And... I feel like I'm being tossed away, I'm a person of action, but too bad, not all show action. I just need to expand ,y frequency to MEASAT I think. 

I need a break...from feeling this way.

Sometimes I wish to just disappear, don't care about anything. But I just can't, it's too irresponsible.

I can't run away, because I think God has a lesson to teach me here, that's why I am still in Tawau. And I can't seem to learn it.

I can't wait for 13/12/13. I'm running away to KK that weekend. 

Argh.

I'm scattered, see the things that I write, it's every where.

Anxious, anticipation, these wont add one more hour to my life, so..why feel so. Right?

God's words, I will hang on to it.

CG tonight. God, I need a support group who can feed me spiritually. 

Amen.

Such a beautiful view from my counter...;)

Tide

'You'll only know you love her when you let her go'

Searching for houses is like a pain in the ass because now I feel like I am going no where.

Trusting that god will provide...

This is what bothers me currently.

Was emotionally unstable again yesterday. Sigh, caused some hurts as well. 

I'm so lost of idea until I dunno what to do.

Perhaps some intention and attention? Staying away from me doesn't solve anything. 

Lord, just 2 weeks. I pray that these 2 week's evil temptation won't rule over me and You will bless me with a clear mind to know what is right and what is wrong.

Speak to me all the time. 

I commit the house issue onto your hand, lord bless us a house or a housemate. 

Give me determination not to give up, because I found out that I am prone in giving up in tough situations. 

And I'm just gonna pray till you give me the answer. 

Amen.

I guess I should give myself and others a chance to turn into a new leaf.

Right?

T_T 

The balance ..... Where are u?

I need to try harder....:S

Still disappointed but now ignorance, haha.

Two posts in a day. Abnormal.

I am going to play an ignorance part now on.

I'm going to do whatever I want now, and everything that I love.

The rest of the nonsense, stay away.

My leg made me bad mood, urgh.

I'm so tired.... 

Chatting with my dear pumpkin made me feel that relationship is such a badass.

Single is the best.

People has their own life la. I need a cool down period to pull everything back. I am definitely shifting to  more ignorance now on. But... I will still be there if they need me. Just like how I treated pumpkin and the rest of my close ones.

Currently finding a house, and my future plan is not me alone.

Merotai has changed me, I wish to change to a better.

Kthkabai!

Respect. Brother Ivan showed me this. He enlightened me. Respect.

Instill 'respect' into your freaking mind KUEN! 

Disappointed.

I thought I could have spend more time with her... The whole night at least, uninterrupted. But things don't happen the way that it should.

Maybe I am too sensitive. But...

Ya, I won't ask anything d. I'm gonna be occupied with my own stuff and the rest, just stay away from me.

Yuki is still the faithful companion. 

Well, I feel like crying because I'm a person who appreciates quality time and I feel like I'm being intruded. But whatever la. 

She could have said tonight is just for me right? Quality is just gone with the wind.

My mood wouldn't be so bad if I'm not being intruded that way. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

No point crying over this kind of nonsense.

Wan, I'm so emotionally imbalance. 

Now, I'm still at the verge of caring less about things d.

Sigh.... I just need to calm myself down and move on with my life.

Is it his presence made things so complicated?

Yes! 

I think she should also respect time with friends, and time with him.

I feel like a float.

Kanasai....I feel so shitty.

Aiya, don't care la. 

At some point, I feel like staying alone d. With no one to care, no one to take care. Don't care about me, and don't care about others. But.....I am Concern on how is she gonna take care of herself when she is not with him?

Maybe I care too much. Kuen, u are awful. U are so menjijikkan.

It's time to move on? Hahaha. 

Calling houses and more houses, and more rooms...and more rooms. This process is so tiring. 

Yuki time, Yuki is still the most faithful companion.... 

I'm disappointed la, but it's ok. I cannot be too selfish and I really hope that they will be happily ever after. 

But I really wished that when I am out, the time will be just for me, not halfway. I really don't appreciate that. You can have other days with other people. Killing 2 birds with one stone is cool but I feel it's unfair.

Ok, enough said!  I'm not ready to make nice! At all! *urgh*

Like I said, when I ask a person out for dinner or being asked out for dinner, I expect quality time till the end of the day. But... This will never happen. Not everyone will say 'oh, sorry, tonight is for XX, and I will call u later when I am back/I will date u some other day'. This is kuen's way, doesn't mean people have to follow this way.... Right!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is call 'too high expectation.'

The old kuen, u will be buried as day goes by. New one will emerge.

It's time to say goodbye..at some point.

Yuki!!! I am coming!!!^^

A bit negative, but it's alright,^^

I hate the part of searching for a roommate.

And... Kohila said something about Andrew fetching sister to work... Ok, now I feel like moving out and stay alone. Cuz.... I feel so.

Sigh.

Negative feelings... I don't like la...

Maybe if all things don't work, move out la. 

So, as I was thinking all these, I get to talk to Ganesh about how I feel about all these.

He made a clear dissection for me. I think I know what to do next. 

I won't go for locum anymore. 

I don't do all these anymore.

I will get a life... Now.

It's time to catch up with all the things that I have lost and the things I wanna do.

Ganesh really has a good listening ears.^^

He even asked me 'why not u consider staying more than a year in KK?'

Me? Haha.. I told him its impossible. Because I will come back to town, or transfer to enforcement,

Definitely. Maybe I will try Labuan next year!:) for the booze! Hahaha!

So, now,,, my life will start to involve me, myself, and I, plus people.

I'm not gonna ask sister out until she asks me out. Starting from next week.

I'm not gonna ask anything, anyone out unless the person asks me out, well..it doesn't apply to most of the people.only certain people.

Making myself occupied to detach myself is...so...interesting. Ya la, I have been attached to sister too much. Well, since I am now at the cross roads to diverge, and let go, might as well.^^

She is a grown woman who deserves freedom. Ya, no more locums for me and her. Like Ganesh said, it's just at that moment only, plus, it's very weird for me to go as I am not htwu staff anymore and I might as well do something for merotai. Haha. 

Ya, my Sunday plan is perfect now. 

The Yoga plan made my life great, 7-8pm 3 X weekly, sometimes 4. Saturday vacation day for me, Sunday occupied with activities as well.

Owh well....... 

I think it's time to detach myself la. Let loose and pursue what I wanna do.

So, Sunday grocery, will try buying a whole week's grocery. Cook for myself a few times weekly. 

Chill out with friends.

Go out for movies,

Fellowship with sister in Christ.

Go KK for vacation.

Fly here and there.

Next year, Hyderabad! Maldives! Taiwan! 

God, u are an awesome god who knows what's best for me!

I love You lord!!!:)

All negative feelings begone! It's time to live like an extrovert now!^^ 

Good night people!^^

Day?

Today is my first day in new place. I am not sure if I enjoyed it, but I definitely like the idea of learning new things and do different things.

I am happy.;)

So, I did realized that I didn't ask sister about her day, because. Was too overwhelmed telling my progress.. And when I wanted to ask, she starts to sway away from the conversation. So... I didn't get to ask. It doesn't mean that I am not concern, but she shows me that she is still interested in knowing about my day.... And still wants to participate in my life. 

I guess she is worried as well that our frequency will change, yeah.. Different working place and I don't get to spend time with her d. She practically have more time on her work and him, well.. Not sure if its a good thing, but knowing the fact that she WILL be together with andrew someday just made me feel...*faint*

Anyway, none of my business and concern. I can only trust her... And have faith in her.

Oh... No doubt, I still love her the way she is. I'm not sure how would things turn out in future months to come. Guess, 3 of us now are separated indirectly. Maybe it's a good thing. Me and Ganesh feel a bit sick of hospital, sister still comfortable in comfort zone. Good for her, cuz she dislike changes and don't think she can take up KK responsibility. ;)

So, 3 of us are just living at the same house. I think this relationship is good... Means I will be forced to build my life around other things. Yes, kuen is still learning to let go. I need to find the suitable distance.

It's like when I wanna spend time with her, it's always the wrong timing. She will go out for dinner la, then when she comes back, she is tired d... And not much time to talk.

I sort of have phobia to ask Someone out for dinner.. Because its like a 'rejection' everytime. Sigh... Coincidence la. cuz most of the time when i ask for dinner, its because i got things to tell, to share. well, like i bombed Shereen Ag before, when the right moment is gone, means its gone. hahah!a bit not fair for them but... my walls needs time to be broken as well after one rejection. It's ok la. Get on with life. I gotto accept this. Things will not be the same ... Not totally changed, but not the same.:)

Anyway, it's just my one sided thinking la. 

In real, I won't act this way.  As long as sister is comfortable with what she does. ;) I will always support her !;)

Just that feel a bit stupid sometimes because priority is not there. Anyhow, I think I take things the wrong way. That's why I am keeping myself occupied.

Oh! I started to learn worship songs with my Yuki!  Feel so good, but I need practices!

Just wanna share something ..

When I reach KK Merotai, I was kinda stunt when I entered. Because its all wooden building.

And... I saw trees, quarters, and kampung around the KK... And... I recognize the place. It has been in my vision all these while.

I knew, it's the place.

Knowing that God will guide me through this. I was so surprised to see the environment! T_T 

Though I cried out to god asked why am I sent here... 

So, when I see the surrounding, it's like a mimic to my vision, I am relieved... Because i Know this is where He wants me to be.^^

I'm happy today, because sister is so...cute! Keep on yawning, and ask me about my day. Honestly, if no one asked,I  wouldn't tell anying about KK Merotai. And... I was too busy answering her question and didn't asked and update about her. Sigh....

Plus, she has been exhausted for the past few days. Can see it through her face. That's why....

But I still hope that she would tell me about herself at her own initiative...^^ 

She has improved. Or maybe she s comfortable with me d?

Fingers crossed, things will be better.

Finally understand how does rejection feels. Not good. But gotto buckle up my ass and walk on.

New job scope for me. It's like a period of transformation. I am ready for this growth, and changes.

Relieved. I have left htwu. 

Happy, I'm starting a new life.

Glad, cuz sister tries to keep me at her pace...though I might seem like giving up. I am thankful that she haven't give up on me yet...hehe.

God has been wonderful with me, us, and in every aspect in life. 

Lord, I just wanna glorify Your name in whatever I do.

Lastly, I just pray that Lord will be the centre of this bondage of me, sister, and Ganesh.  U will be there for us all the time, and heal all scars that is in our hearts towards each other. I pray that lord you will make them victorious in their work place as well, knowing that You are always there to guide them. pray that you will bless sister with energy and wisdom and ability to guide new prp, grant her with an attitude of never giving up...because there is always rainbow after rain, and there is always gold no matter how long, and how far she digs.

Pray for Ganesh that he would be sent to where You want him to be. Bless him with positive attitude towards life... And never think negatively. Guide him along the way so that he won't go astray. Show him the right way when he is off track, and teach him the way to be a better person who honors You.

As for me....I will serve You lord. Lead me to where You want me to be!;) I will run for You!^^

Jeremiah 29:11

Amen.

Well, even shereen thinks I sounded happy in my new place. Hahaha. 

I do,^^ because this experience is invaluable, not all will get this opportunity to handle KK.

Share something cool.

Let me introduce.... YUKI! My Ukulele! My new girl who lights up my down moments! And she will be my faithful companion!^^ Yuki!!! I'm getting better with it.;)

Decided to bought this, not out of impulse but through advice. Called joshua for it, and.... Poof! Here it is! Yuki!!!^^ though it doesn't tally my vision, I am still learning and improvise!;)

Lord, I pray that I will be given the intelligence and wisdom to learn and play Yuki fluently and deliver Your Grace to the people who listens!!^^  Yuki shall be the tool to deliver Your grace, and Your anointing!!!

Good night people!^^

New life

The thing is......

Ok, sometimes I feel abandoned by sister but I am making myself occupied with activities, and lessons. Well, like I said before, it will be just me and me only. Mmm.... 

Bought my Yuki back home and I love her sooo much. Playing the whole night makes me feel so happy. Learning t my own pace,and getting know new friends.:)

Tennis, something that I will take up also!:) 

My matrial art....

I am gonna run with my visions now, doing missions and delivering His grace through my Yuki.

While sister spends time with him, Ganesh Spens time with his life, I am utilizing my time to build myself.

Tmr will be my first day at work. New place, new environment. It's just me and Him now. No more dependency. No more sister in the picture, no more familiar faces, but it's time to make 'new familiar faces'.

I feel relieved, but still a bit of fear. But I know god is with me. All the time.^^

Eating alone no fun, but that's life.:)

10 days summary

Days at home. Well, my 10 days journey has come to an end. 

I came back in despair, recharged, and going back to tawau with a different mind set.

Honestly, things that happened in tawau made me feel like crap. 

I thank god for shereen who is available for me to talk to. 

Reconciliation? God, u reconcile?

I think my demand is high, my walls are thicker. Very much thicker. 

I know I am being watched, and not being watched at the same time. Guess I just need someone to talk to and share.

I am so different back here. The energy is so different. 

Meeting with my siblings in Christ made me feel warm and welcomed. Yes, CG is important. 

I dunno why I became so antisocial, and I am opting for a new cg. 

Lord will guide me through. 

I was so happy to NOT hear about tawau, her, him, all .... 

I don't give a damn.

I was so ignorant about work. Because I think tawau made me sick that time. I really don't wanna know anything about my work. Even when sister told me about tawau, oncall, him, and all, I was really in anhedonia state again.

That night, I think I have tried too hard. I think it's because of me, myself. I have ruined it. At some point, I wanted to give up. Because I don't know how to talk anymore.

The sadness in me was so significant. I think I have ruined everything.

My walls are building up, doesn't mean others don't build walls. So, I come to understand the fact that... We need time to break the ice again.

Why can't we chat normally? Why?

Then I come to realize, it's me myself who ruined everything.

I don't wanna talk anymore, I don't share, I don't expose d, I feel so tired of talking and feeling.

Till.....last night, miracle happens. The conversation was initiated by her. Haha. Though its short, it's sweet.;)

I don't know what will happen in Tawau, but I will start finding class and start TKD. Because sister is definitely going to see him more often. Well... Left me.

This time, I am taking my thoughts into action. I did told shereen I need someone like her! Hahaha. I actually can't wait till December to meet her.:)

I don't know what to expect on Wednesday. I will try my best in whatever that happened.

Lord, please protect us from harms and cover us with your blood. Let our relationship be committed into your hands. U will mend whatever infirmities that is in our sisterhood. She is a great sister of mine, and I just want You to be the centre of our relationship.

Mel is right. I have been ignoring her too, I really did seclude myself from everyone. But now, no more negativity. I am gonna live out what He wants me to be, do my job in Tawau and start off somewhere new!

Sometimes, I feel... Talking to me is like digging gold as well... 

When you keep on digging, u will definitely find rocks along the way. It's hard and stubborn and cannot be broken, then as you dig deeper, the rock will break, and u will tend to dig deeper. More rocks will come and more effort needed to dig.

When you feel like giving up in digging, that's when u almost reach the gold. But too bad, no further diggings, means no gold.

I feel that way all time. No one has ever successfully dig my gold, all almost succeeded but they give up halfway. 

That's why, how much do you know me in person?^^. Don't give up digging because u will eventually reach the gold,

I don't simply let people in. And I don't simply let people out.

Past 10 days was a blessing. Thank you Lord.^^

A new start next week. :)

10 days with mum was a bliss....