Curtain's closing

我快要自我封锁了。 

Seeing things happening in an undesirable way. I need to find my passion back, back to kicking ass.

Next week, the D-week. 

A week that I have too many lessons to learn. 

To learn to be strong, be calm, trust god with all my heart and soul. Somehow this is the feeling I had a year ago. Same feeling.

This is the consequence when you got attached too deeply to something that you shouldn't.

I have to accept the fact that nothing stays forever.

Why he has to be the obstacle? 

Why?

Why I have to make myself suffer that way?

Shift my focus?

Leave everything?

Find something else?

These few days are my vulnerable days. If possible, I don't wanna talk, I don't wanna be probed.

Greedy kan?  Wanna be cared, and wanna be the one and only attention!?

Kuen, u are too much. Too much!

Mm.... Today, Mustaqim is the blessing in disguise. I coughed like mad dog and almost vomited. 

Tonight, I just wanna spend time with god.. And Ganesh + sister. 

Monday, 730am. Prayer group in tdm room.

My friend texts me this morning, and I got to know that Our God done great things on her and her younger brother! 

Somehow, god has been the planner for all these to happen!!:)

I'm too emotional. I can't go on this way. 

Loving to do things alone, overly independent , Lone Ranger , and all these has got to stop!  

Tkd, I will take u up again.

Guitar, I will make u mine.

It's time... It's time to let go of myself, and contribute to the society.

Lord, teach me how to love like you. Heal my heart and make it clean... Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

I long for a peaceful heart.

I hope this is not the last photo. Cuz this indicates the beginning, and not the end.. 

My dearest family member here.^^

Love both of them lots!

Sister, who taught me lots of things. She taught me about patience, and never give up in things, rely on God and chill! Hahaha.

Ganesh, a person that I wish I had quarrels with. His humor always filled the atmosphere of the house. 

Lastly, one selfish hope from me to God. Can all of us stay? Will my selfish payer being answered?

Good night people. .... and I need a break from coughing!!!!

Ps: thank sister for the touching words.... T_T I love you! 

Sermon,visions.

During worship, god says:'do you trust me?? Do you!!?'

Me:'yes lord!!! Yes!!!'

God says..'rejoice... REJOICE in all circumstances!!!!  And smile to me and dancing away...

The worship group continues worshipping.

And images of god dancing wi angels in a circles appear... And He is dancing and ask me to join along, and yell 'Rejoice!! Trust me, Rejoice!!!'

I am amazed... Because when the bishop talked bout hope, and rejoice.

Romans 5:1-5

In His timing, all will happen. 

Rejoice in hope of e glory of God!-Romans 5:2

See! Again, the visions and conversations had with god during worship (before sermon) is not an imagination!!!!!!!

T_T

God... You never leave me. You look after me all the time.. Yes, I think I have disappoint you by not trusting and not rejoicing in your name, instead,  I grieved. 

Hebrews 6:18-19

So, god has spoken directly to me. I gues, I will rejoice in His name in everything and in whatever result that I get in a few day's time.

God knows Rejoicing even before the sermon was delivered. And that is the thing that He told me during P&W.

God, You are an awesome God!!!!

The final say is with god. God has the final say for everything. SO, just hope in The Lord.  

还是， 害怕。

真的很害怕。

I don't know what makes me so weak these few days. 

Today, I feel something was not right, during lunch, I kept quiet because there was some uneasy feeling in me. 

I was not ok. Because it was a bad feeling. I don't know how to describe.

Immediately, when I was back to work, got a few miss call, and called back. 

One of the calls was the news, the news that I was long awaiting. 

I was in shock. 

Kept dispensing...till Ganesh came to opd and peek me. 

He was in sweat after CDR, and he talked to me.

I was devastated. Gosh.... Knowing that the news which is partially true.

I am not worrying about me leaving, I am more worried on him leaving.

I don't wanna part with anyone. 

I have the evil thought, why must it be him? Why it's not him? Why? Why not me?

Yeah, it might be me and at some certain point of time, I really wished it was me. 

We talked in the Stor, me got emotional. Cried on his shoulder.... And he pretended to be strong and give me advise. Giving me deal that if he gets to stay, we will swap.

My tears just flow non stop. 

He comforted me, silly him. He feels like crying more than a thousand times that I did.

And he called after an hour. 

Holding back tears and tearing while dispensing is just so suffocating, I really thank god for the mask. It shield me from lots of things.

He called.. And said its still uncertain, and tell me to be good and dispense properly... Not to cry or whatsoever. 

I nodded like a baby. Omg. 

I haven't feel so vulnerable until this moment.

I guess it's the love that I have for both of them. Love them both a lot. A lot.

I love him more than I could imagine. I thought I be mean to him and treat him just like a normal friend, but... It's not like that.

Sister on the other side accepts my love in her own unique way.. But I still love her with all I have, and all I could.  I feel guilty for being such a jerk in my own way, I hope she doesn't mind. Because I feel like crying the whole day and I can't just cry in front of her. I wonder how will she react if she was at Ganesh 's place this afternoon in the Stor instead of Ganesh himself.

Just came back from Tinagat. A place that I fall In Love with Tawau. A place that I spend most of my lonely time, a place that mend relationships, a place that memories were created, a place where I see god's wonderful creation.

I guess, she made this point right. It's all in God's hand and He is faithful. God, I put my trust in You that in You, the end is always a beginning.

Heal my heart oh Lord. 

I need to learn how to let go.

Maybe what Ganesh said was right. He has learnt all the things that he need in Tawau, maybe it's time for me to learn this lesson, and for that I will stay till I learnt the lesson.

Overdosed on ibuprofen, diphenhydramine , and bromhexine. It's time to sleep.

Today, it's the day in my history that I experience bipolar in just a few hours time. Not cool.

I need to let go. Let go of him, let go of her, let go of myself, and fall on His arms, and let Him hug me, pat me to sleep, and sway me to where He thinks it's good for me.

'You don't worry too much first, it's still uncertain...'

To me, it's pretty certain if someone can mention a name that he/she didn't even recognize or meet before.

Kuen, stay calm, stay strong, let go, let God.

^^ 

"Without love, all is nothing'

Down with sick mode.

First time in my life, people actually cared and make decisions for me. 

Yes, I am 'forced' by my two lovely family here to take EL.

Awesome right?

Actually, I don't think I can dispense too with my condition today. It's not getting any better, and it's not getting worse. 

Well, so..here I go. Rest at home. 

I'm gonna take medications and sleep! Getting all the rest that I need la. 

I am so blessed to have both of them in Tawau. 

So blessed....

And sister slapped me 'can you please don't be so stubborn ?'

Haha.... Yes, then I have decided to follow her instruction. 

Stubborn is no good. I feel feverish now. Thank god she force me to take off day, if not... I will be just like a crippled girl sitting in OPD, wearing mask, walking like a sick cat.

Blessed day to all of u!!!^^

What a day.

Torturous day.....

First thing first, I think my lungs gonna fall out/coughed out due to my serious cough.

Secondly,  my body feel so weak that I think I have malnutrition. Lol

Thirdly, I sound like a toad! So unpleasant. I don't feel like talking at all, u knw, can get shocked by listening to my own voice.

So... There goes my immune system. Have been feeding myself with diphenhydramine syrup, ibuprofen tabs. And now, I am taking bromhexine syrup for my thick phlegm.

Slept till 10plus am , but it's interrupted sleep. Sigh......... 

My itchy throat, but thank god the Fishermn's friend Is helping me much. Still my nocturnal cough is killing my sleep.

Despite beng sick, I feel blessed. Sister is so protective over me... T_T 

She took the responsibility to dispense for me. 

I was coughing like mad dog la. Gosh.

Sigh... I feel super guilty. Yes, I will make it up to her.;) to love he more!^^ hehe.

Today is an unproductive day for me. 

Lord, I will heal in Jesus name!:)

Thank You for sending sister into my life.^^

Good night peeps. I feel so weak now... 

1 cor 13:4-7

Ps: 其实我发觉我不习惯人家对我好， 不习惯人家为我牺牲。 我，一定会学者接受人家的心意，和爱。

Yes, different people express their love and care differently. It's the little things that makes me happy, and loved. ^^

Good night.;)

Thought.

Just a thought.

This question suddenly raided when I was busy swapping locum with sister.

Owh well......

It's because she feels uncomfortable being with a 'so called stranger' after not seeing each other for a few months.

Mmm,.,,,

So, I thought...

'What if I meet sister again after a year? Will she avoid seeing me just like how she did to this so called stranger?'

Lol.

It's an interesting question that I wished to find answer.

Err... Again, I am being reminded of 'be careful of what u wished for, you just might get it all...'

And sister is worse than Mel, I guess Mel holds the better role in keeping in touch with Old friends.

Hahahaha. Something that is very unpredictable.hahahaha!

Again, when will I get down from sister's train? Or when will she get down from my train and board to another's train? I don't know.

One thing I wish is that when she gets to board into my train again after a long period of time being in another person's train, I still hope that she will still feel like home. Because so far, those who boarded my train has never fail to feel warmth when they board my train again!:) haha. Self praise. Lol.

Love her to bits!^^

We won't know what will happen down the road. I'm just gonna walk by faith. That's all.

-------------------------

Today off day, contented. Why? Because I get to catch up with people that I don't get to catch up frequently, was on the phone almost the whole day.

Face time, phone calls... 

^^

Fiona-->my ji mui

Sher-->my dearest, like my family member.

Pumpkin--> my precious, my little sister. Very close to heart sister.

Anyhow, I feel very sweet today, cuz.... Sister cooked..!T_T!

So touched wei... 

And she made me honey drinks... T_T

All made from love. 

God, can you please don't take this girl away from me? And don't take me away from her?

If we were to part, let us part with a godly way, and not all in a sudden?

At least pull the honk when the train is about to stop so that we could unboard the train safely, and happily?

And.. Bless us with a safe and happy  journey in life as we board to another train in our lives!

I commit this relationship onto your hand, and whatever happens, I know that You reign.^^

*yawns*

I will overdose myself with diphenhydramine syrup so that I can sleep longer without interruptions..(cough)

Good day!!!!^^

Signing off.

Isaiah 41:10

*killed siu keong with my barefoot* T_T 

I miss you bro.... T_T

charades, taboo, and some realizations.

ITS POST 3 hours of charades. yes, its 230am now.

Just feel like writing how I feel and watching “about cherry” at the same time. a good movie though. ^^

Just a few hours ago, my friends came over for charades and taboo. Its an awesome hangout because its been long since I’ve played Taboo though. Kinda miss my cg.. and my board games kaki.

So, my friends AKA colleagues came over for games and booze. ^^

There were MEl, SL, Pao, Shicks, Yen, Sis, me, August, and Gun.

All of us were guessing and playing charades and Taboo.

IT was a night full of laughters though. hahah. It will stay as memories in Tawau! =)

 

One thing I realized… when its sister’s turn, she linked it with all that both of us has done in our daily life!!!

just like “……. you sleep talk, but you are…. (doing the walking gesture with her fingers!)”

yes, sleep walking is the answer.  I feel that I have been exposed. hahaha!

 

lots more example! She can spontaneously think of the things that we have, and things that we have done! =)

 

I don’t know if this is just a phase of life where people board into my life and will go off in the next station, but… like what ganesh always tell me. “appreciate every single moment of your life with the person present at the very moment.”

mmm… more charades to come up next?! hahaha…

 

writing this blog just to remember this moment, its like the best time I had in Tawau. a night with charades, beer, and great friends.

 

plus… some realization that makes me bittersweet. sweet? yeah… sweet and guilty.

because what I thought it might be right turned out to be another way round instead. God let me see this scene, showing me that what I see and perceive IS NOT TRUE AT ALL! and I am leaning on my own understanding on it.

kuen…..kuen……. when can u learn this lesson? ANyway, its sweet to know when someone actually treasures and remembers the daily life and daily routine.. and most of the examples came out from it. 

 

 

 

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ok, close that topic. Start a new. REcently found out that my Fifi has delievered?!?! I guess? gosh, this aunty very mysterious and until now also I havent spoken to her!

lol.

 

Fifi is someone I met when I was in LC Pharmacy, still a kinnasai that time.

 

maybe I should call her and update myself. haha. feel kinda disconnected though.

 

Owe a few person phone calls.

It’s a public holiday today. TIme to catch up I guess?

 

but first, fill up my spirit and stomach first. ^^

 

PS: took so long to post this blog cuz the screen was watching me when I was typing yesterday. 

 

Kuen is counting down to KayElle!