10 days summary

Days at home. Well, my 10 days journey has come to an end. 

I came back in despair, recharged, and going back to tawau with a different mind set.

Honestly, things that happened in tawau made me feel like crap. 

I thank god for shereen who is available for me to talk to. 

Reconciliation? God, u reconcile?

I think my demand is high, my walls are thicker. Very much thicker. 

I know I am being watched, and not being watched at the same time. Guess I just need someone to talk to and share.

I am so different back here. The energy is so different. 

Meeting with my siblings in Christ made me feel warm and welcomed. Yes, CG is important. 

I dunno why I became so antisocial, and I am opting for a new cg. 

Lord will guide me through. 

I was so happy to NOT hear about tawau, her, him, all .... 

I don't give a damn.

I was so ignorant about work. Because I think tawau made me sick that time. I really don't wanna know anything about my work. Even when sister told me about tawau, oncall, him, and all, I was really in anhedonia state again.

That night, I think I have tried too hard. I think it's because of me, myself. I have ruined it. At some point, I wanted to give up. Because I don't know how to talk anymore.

The sadness in me was so significant. I think I have ruined everything.

My walls are building up, doesn't mean others don't build walls. So, I come to understand the fact that... We need time to break the ice again.

Why can't we chat normally? Why?

Then I come to realize, it's me myself who ruined everything.

I don't wanna talk anymore, I don't share, I don't expose d, I feel so tired of talking and feeling.

Till.....last night, miracle happens. The conversation was initiated by her. Haha. Though its short, it's sweet.;)

I don't know what will happen in Tawau, but I will start finding class and start TKD. Because sister is definitely going to see him more often. Well... Left me.

This time, I am taking my thoughts into action. I did told shereen I need someone like her! Hahaha. I actually can't wait till December to meet her.:)

I don't know what to expect on Wednesday. I will try my best in whatever that happened.

Lord, please protect us from harms and cover us with your blood. Let our relationship be committed into your hands. U will mend whatever infirmities that is in our sisterhood. She is a great sister of mine, and I just want You to be the centre of our relationship.

Mel is right. I have been ignoring her too, I really did seclude myself from everyone. But now, no more negativity. I am gonna live out what He wants me to be, do my job in Tawau and start off somewhere new!

Sometimes, I feel... Talking to me is like digging gold as well... 

When you keep on digging, u will definitely find rocks along the way. It's hard and stubborn and cannot be broken, then as you dig deeper, the rock will break, and u will tend to dig deeper. More rocks will come and more effort needed to dig.

When you feel like giving up in digging, that's when u almost reach the gold. But too bad, no further diggings, means no gold.

I feel that way all time. No one has ever successfully dig my gold, all almost succeeded but they give up halfway. 

That's why, how much do you know me in person?^^. Don't give up digging because u will eventually reach the gold,

I don't simply let people in. And I don't simply let people out.

Past 10 days was a blessing. Thank you Lord.^^

A new start next week. :)

10 days with mum was a bliss....

Worn

Frail and worm and torn

Tired, and worn.

A picture speaks a thousand words. 

That's how I feel now.

When I lie down, I just feel like sleeping my days off.

Random post

Melissa said:' it's not wrong to love others and love god. That's the two pillars that we hold on to.'

This girl is wise. Like sister.

Currently not expecting, not thinking. Sleeping and living my days off. 

2 more days perhaps?

At the same time ignoring Ganesh's last words. 

Mmm...........

I'm exhausted. Because today's patients are either deaf or blind. Shouted with my voice, and my voice box hurts.

Today morning prayer went well. I have one week to recover if I am still here to lead next Monday,^^

My mind is everywhere.

Yes, I am afraid. Insecure. A girl who doesn't favor rejection.

Good night la. Gotto bath and cook^^

I like today because I finally managed to dispense despite coughing like hell. But it's better than yesterday. Even my ppf also realize that I sick for very long d. One week.... I rebuke all bacteria and virus in Jesus name and I shall be healed!

Counting my days. ;) 

Just a thougt: will you miss me when I am gone? Haha...  Move on Kuen! 

I am sure god has a perfect plan for me o matter where am I!:)

Thanks Mel!!!^^

And thanks to sister whole heartedly for the card. So warm... Like Ten lee said' like family' ^^ 

Curtain's closing

我快要自我封锁了。 

Seeing things happening in an undesirable way. I need to find my passion back, back to kicking ass.

Next week, the D-week. 

A week that I have too many lessons to learn. 

To learn to be strong, be calm, trust god with all my heart and soul. Somehow this is the feeling I had a year ago. Same feeling.

This is the consequence when you got attached too deeply to something that you shouldn't.

I have to accept the fact that nothing stays forever.

Why he has to be the obstacle? 

Why?

Why I have to make myself suffer that way?

Shift my focus?

Leave everything?

Find something else?

These few days are my vulnerable days. If possible, I don't wanna talk, I don't wanna be probed.

Greedy kan?  Wanna be cared, and wanna be the one and only attention!?

Kuen, u are too much. Too much!

Mm.... Today, Mustaqim is the blessing in disguise. I coughed like mad dog and almost vomited. 

Tonight, I just wanna spend time with god.. And Ganesh + sister. 

Monday, 730am. Prayer group in tdm room.

My friend texts me this morning, and I got to know that Our God done great things on her and her younger brother! 

Somehow, god has been the planner for all these to happen!!:)

I'm too emotional. I can't go on this way. 

Loving to do things alone, overly independent , Lone Ranger , and all these has got to stop!  

Tkd, I will take u up again.

Guitar, I will make u mine.

It's time... It's time to let go of myself, and contribute to the society.

Lord, teach me how to love like you. Heal my heart and make it clean... Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

I long for a peaceful heart.

I hope this is not the last photo. Cuz this indicates the beginning, and not the end.. 

My dearest family member here.^^

Love both of them lots!

Sister, who taught me lots of things. She taught me about patience, and never give up in things, rely on God and chill! Hahaha.

Ganesh, a person that I wish I had quarrels with. His humor always filled the atmosphere of the house. 

Lastly, one selfish hope from me to God. Can all of us stay? Will my selfish payer being answered?

Good night people. .... and I need a break from coughing!!!!

Ps: thank sister for the touching words.... T_T I love you! 

Sermon,visions.

During worship, god says:'do you trust me?? Do you!!?'

Me:'yes lord!!! Yes!!!'

God says..'rejoice... REJOICE in all circumstances!!!!  And smile to me and dancing away...

The worship group continues worshipping.

And images of god dancing wi angels in a circles appear... And He is dancing and ask me to join along, and yell 'Rejoice!! Trust me, Rejoice!!!'

I am amazed... Because when the bishop talked bout hope, and rejoice.

Romans 5:1-5

In His timing, all will happen. 

Rejoice in hope of e glory of God!-Romans 5:2

See! Again, the visions and conversations had with god during worship (before sermon) is not an imagination!!!!!!!

T_T

God... You never leave me. You look after me all the time.. Yes, I think I have disappoint you by not trusting and not rejoicing in your name, instead,  I grieved. 

Hebrews 6:18-19

So, god has spoken directly to me. I gues, I will rejoice in His name in everything and in whatever result that I get in a few day's time.

God knows Rejoicing even before the sermon was delivered. And that is the thing that He told me during P&W.

God, You are an awesome God!!!!

The final say is with god. God has the final say for everything. SO, just hope in The Lord.  

还是， 害怕。

真的很害怕。

I don't know what makes me so weak these few days. 

Today, I feel something was not right, during lunch, I kept quiet because there was some uneasy feeling in me. 

I was not ok. Because it was a bad feeling. I don't know how to describe.

Immediately, when I was back to work, got a few miss call, and called back. 

One of the calls was the news, the news that I was long awaiting. 

I was in shock. 

Kept dispensing...till Ganesh came to opd and peek me. 

He was in sweat after CDR, and he talked to me.

I was devastated. Gosh.... Knowing that the news which is partially true.

I am not worrying about me leaving, I am more worried on him leaving.

I don't wanna part with anyone. 

I have the evil thought, why must it be him? Why it's not him? Why? Why not me?

Yeah, it might be me and at some certain point of time, I really wished it was me. 

We talked in the Stor, me got emotional. Cried on his shoulder.... And he pretended to be strong and give me advise. Giving me deal that if he gets to stay, we will swap.

My tears just flow non stop. 

He comforted me, silly him. He feels like crying more than a thousand times that I did.

And he called after an hour. 

Holding back tears and tearing while dispensing is just so suffocating, I really thank god for the mask. It shield me from lots of things.

He called.. And said its still uncertain, and tell me to be good and dispense properly... Not to cry or whatsoever. 

I nodded like a baby. Omg. 

I haven't feel so vulnerable until this moment.

I guess it's the love that I have for both of them. Love them both a lot. A lot.

I love him more than I could imagine. I thought I be mean to him and treat him just like a normal friend, but... It's not like that.

Sister on the other side accepts my love in her own unique way.. But I still love her with all I have, and all I could.  I feel guilty for being such a jerk in my own way, I hope she doesn't mind. Because I feel like crying the whole day and I can't just cry in front of her. I wonder how will she react if she was at Ganesh 's place this afternoon in the Stor instead of Ganesh himself.

Just came back from Tinagat. A place that I fall In Love with Tawau. A place that I spend most of my lonely time, a place that mend relationships, a place that memories were created, a place where I see god's wonderful creation.

I guess, she made this point right. It's all in God's hand and He is faithful. God, I put my trust in You that in You, the end is always a beginning.

Heal my heart oh Lord. 

I need to learn how to let go.

Maybe what Ganesh said was right. He has learnt all the things that he need in Tawau, maybe it's time for me to learn this lesson, and for that I will stay till I learnt the lesson.

Overdosed on ibuprofen, diphenhydramine , and bromhexine. It's time to sleep.

Today, it's the day in my history that I experience bipolar in just a few hours time. Not cool.

I need to let go. Let go of him, let go of her, let go of myself, and fall on His arms, and let Him hug me, pat me to sleep, and sway me to where He thinks it's good for me.

'You don't worry too much first, it's still uncertain...'

To me, it's pretty certain if someone can mention a name that he/she didn't even recognize or meet before.

Kuen, stay calm, stay strong, let go, let God.

^^ 

"Without love, all is nothing'

Down with sick mode.

First time in my life, people actually cared and make decisions for me. 

Yes, I am 'forced' by my two lovely family here to take EL.

Awesome right?

Actually, I don't think I can dispense too with my condition today. It's not getting any better, and it's not getting worse. 

Well, so..here I go. Rest at home. 

I'm gonna take medications and sleep! Getting all the rest that I need la. 

I am so blessed to have both of them in Tawau. 

So blessed....

And sister slapped me 'can you please don't be so stubborn ?'

Haha.... Yes, then I have decided to follow her instruction. 

Stubborn is no good. I feel feverish now. Thank god she force me to take off day, if not... I will be just like a crippled girl sitting in OPD, wearing mask, walking like a sick cat.

Blessed day to all of u!!!^^