What a day.

Torturous day.....

First thing first, I think my lungs gonna fall out/coughed out due to my serious cough.

Secondly,  my body feel so weak that I think I have malnutrition. Lol

Thirdly, I sound like a toad! So unpleasant. I don't feel like talking at all, u knw, can get shocked by listening to my own voice.

So... There goes my immune system. Have been feeding myself with diphenhydramine syrup, ibuprofen tabs. And now, I am taking bromhexine syrup for my thick phlegm.

Slept till 10plus am , but it's interrupted sleep. Sigh......... 

My itchy throat, but thank god the Fishermn's friend Is helping me much. Still my nocturnal cough is killing my sleep.

Despite beng sick, I feel blessed. Sister is so protective over me... T_T 

She took the responsibility to dispense for me. 

I was coughing like mad dog la. Gosh.

Sigh... I feel super guilty. Yes, I will make it up to her.;) to love he more!^^ hehe.

Today is an unproductive day for me. 

Lord, I will heal in Jesus name!:)

Thank You for sending sister into my life.^^

Good night peeps. I feel so weak now... 

1 cor 13:4-7

Ps: 其实我发觉我不习惯人家对我好， 不习惯人家为我牺牲。 我，一定会学者接受人家的心意，和爱。

Yes, different people express their love and care differently. It's the little things that makes me happy, and loved. ^^

Good night.;)

Thought.

Just a thought.

This question suddenly raided when I was busy swapping locum with sister.

Owh well......

It's because she feels uncomfortable being with a 'so called stranger' after not seeing each other for a few months.

Mmm,.,,,

So, I thought...

'What if I meet sister again after a year? Will she avoid seeing me just like how she did to this so called stranger?'

Lol.

It's an interesting question that I wished to find answer.

Err... Again, I am being reminded of 'be careful of what u wished for, you just might get it all...'

And sister is worse than Mel, I guess Mel holds the better role in keeping in touch with Old friends.

Hahahaha. Something that is very unpredictable.hahahaha!

Again, when will I get down from sister's train? Or when will she get down from my train and board to another's train? I don't know.

One thing I wish is that when she gets to board into my train again after a long period of time being in another person's train, I still hope that she will still feel like home. Because so far, those who boarded my train has never fail to feel warmth when they board my train again!:) haha. Self praise. Lol.

Love her to bits!^^

We won't know what will happen down the road. I'm just gonna walk by faith. That's all.

-------------------------

Today off day, contented. Why? Because I get to catch up with people that I don't get to catch up frequently, was on the phone almost the whole day.

Face time, phone calls... 

^^

Fiona-->my ji mui

Sher-->my dearest, like my family member.

Pumpkin--> my precious, my little sister. Very close to heart sister.

Anyhow, I feel very sweet today, cuz.... Sister cooked..!T_T!

So touched wei... 

And she made me honey drinks... T_T

All made from love. 

God, can you please don't take this girl away from me? And don't take me away from her?

If we were to part, let us part with a godly way, and not all in a sudden?

At least pull the honk when the train is about to stop so that we could unboard the train safely, and happily?

And.. Bless us with a safe and happy  journey in life as we board to another train in our lives!

I commit this relationship onto your hand, and whatever happens, I know that You reign.^^

*yawns*

I will overdose myself with diphenhydramine syrup so that I can sleep longer without interruptions..(cough)

Good day!!!!^^

Signing off.

Isaiah 41:10

*killed siu keong with my barefoot* T_T 

I miss you bro.... T_T

charades, taboo, and some realizations.

ITS POST 3 hours of charades. yes, its 230am now.

Just feel like writing how I feel and watching “about cherry” at the same time. a good movie though. ^^

Just a few hours ago, my friends came over for charades and taboo. Its an awesome hangout because its been long since I’ve played Taboo though. Kinda miss my cg.. and my board games kaki.

So, my friends AKA colleagues came over for games and booze. ^^

There were MEl, SL, Pao, Shicks, Yen, Sis, me, August, and Gun.

All of us were guessing and playing charades and Taboo.

IT was a night full of laughters though. hahah. It will stay as memories in Tawau! =)

 

One thing I realized… when its sister’s turn, she linked it with all that both of us has done in our daily life!!!

just like “……. you sleep talk, but you are…. (doing the walking gesture with her fingers!)”

yes, sleep walking is the answer.  I feel that I have been exposed. hahaha!

 

lots more example! She can spontaneously think of the things that we have, and things that we have done! =)

 

I don’t know if this is just a phase of life where people board into my life and will go off in the next station, but… like what ganesh always tell me. “appreciate every single moment of your life with the person present at the very moment.”

mmm… more charades to come up next?! hahaha…

 

writing this blog just to remember this moment, its like the best time I had in Tawau. a night with charades, beer, and great friends.

 

plus… some realization that makes me bittersweet. sweet? yeah… sweet and guilty.

because what I thought it might be right turned out to be another way round instead. God let me see this scene, showing me that what I see and perceive IS NOT TRUE AT ALL! and I am leaning on my own understanding on it.

kuen…..kuen……. when can u learn this lesson? ANyway, its sweet to know when someone actually treasures and remembers the daily life and daily routine.. and most of the examples came out from it. 

 

 

 

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ok, close that topic. Start a new. REcently found out that my Fifi has delievered?!?! I guess? gosh, this aunty very mysterious and until now also I havent spoken to her!

lol.

 

Fifi is someone I met when I was in LC Pharmacy, still a kinnasai that time.

 

maybe I should call her and update myself. haha. feel kinda disconnected though.

 

Owe a few person phone calls.

It’s a public holiday today. TIme to catch up I guess?

 

but first, fill up my spirit and stomach first. ^^

 

PS: took so long to post this blog cuz the screen was watching me when I was typing yesterday. 

 

Kuen is counting down to KayElle!

Sunday…

Counting on my sundays?

 

Had a great lunch with sister, glad it didn’t turn out to be silence.. (which most of the time wont). haha.

 

Went to church yesterday and today as well. Planned to change my focus onto God. fully.

Well, I am still learning on how not to let obstacles be the hindrance to relationships. Tough act to follow, tough lesson to learn.

Ahhhh… SUnday, spent time with Ganesh, and sister. Supposed to take a nap but I need to submit some “stuff” to my boss. haha. so, now thinking on how to settle it. mmm….

 

Just wanna do some updates.

FGA is currently having YA camp in Genting, PEacehaven.How I wish I was there. HAving fun with my dearest, listening to GOd’s words, fellowship, and catch fire. ITs not that I didn’t catch fire here, but…. I kinda miss my home church. and GMC.

 

Today’s sermon is about catching fire, and not contempt the word of God by not responding to it. I think I have been ignoring it for some time, and causes my stagnancy.

The fire is still burning in me, but I am afraid in doing the things that I don’t think I can.

God wants me to build an army.. through the things that I am going through, and through my environment. I clearly heard that and seen that. God hasn’t give up. So shouldn’t i.

 

My cough is getting worse. =(

worse thing to happen in OPD when u are supposed to dispense the WHOLE DAY.

Sister is such a sweetie pie.Well, I know in all ways she wants to know me and she wants to know everything about me. Am I that mysterious? hahaha.

I am touched that she wants to protect me in the way that she could. mmm.. obviously I look more like the person who protects people instead of people protecting me. haha. but deep down, I have the same desire. I wished someone could protect me, offer arms when I need, lift me up when I am down, caress me head when I am sad, lend me a shoulder to cry on when things don’t turn well… mmm…. these…. are just longings. because, I am on tough act to follow. hahaha.

me, well known as a stubborn girl, but I have a soft heart. soft enough to die for people that I love.  =)

well, the thought of her “covering” me in OPD is as sweet as honey. ^^ that’s her way of caring and loving me, protecting me. I will commit this relationship to God as well, just like How HE mended mine and Sher, and Mine and LW. God be the centre of us.. our lives.

 

God has taught us to love our neighbour, and enemy.

I have been too judgemental and emotional about things that I see. Indeed, God says “thou shall not judge as you will be judged”

My mind is still all over the place.

 

Last Friday, its CME at 2pm.

bitter thoughts came to my mind…. my voice said “so… I have to bid farewell to clinicals….soon.”

I have the passion, but now, I just need to switch my passion to something else, (if the rumours are true).

 

I prayed about it. HE never fails, He gave me a vision. and I was on the way climbing to the peak of a hill, a mountain.

He wants me to conquer the mountain wherever I am. Yes, I will obey. Whatever that I will do in the future, I will make sure that I do my best, for Him.

 

at the meantime, fleshly.. I need to forgo my hope towards something that I like.

So sweet when HE actually tells me… “it doesn’t mean u need to give up on the things that u like…”

 

well…… again. we wont know what will happen until the time comes. Currently, I’m just gonna live my prophecy and leave all unnecessary greed, jealousy, emotions behind. Really need full strength to do so. Not easy. To let go is not easy. I’m just gonna let GOD this time.

LEtting go the people you love, letting go on the things you like… these are not easy tasks.

I planned to restart TKD in november, after finding a suitable centre. I will start my weekend life back.

It has been free and easy. Guess I need to take back some of the responsibilities and do the things that I love… once again.

 

SItting at this room, facing my 6 years old lappy, listening to kids laughters, the noise, the silence, the 4 walls.

Is it gonna end?

 

God, I just want you to lead me to where you are.

To where you are. yes… to the place where you are there, glorious and victorious.

 

 

I cant stop myself from counting the days that I will be here, or MIGHT be here.

 

Lord, just fly me up to where you are.

 

A live version of “TO where you are…”

by my fav, Josh Groban.

 

 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 

the promise that I hold.

Lil updates.

Weekend. A bit motiveless. But.... I am embracing the free time doing nothing,

Lots of things has been crossing my mind lately. 

Yes, Kuen is greedy. 

Somehow, I think the 'untouched' feeling is a feeling of disappointment, rebellion. 

Where do I stand?

Like I said, I have been feeling unsecured and still, these are all satan's temptations, I know. 

I should just let it be, let Him decide, I know. But I still can't help myself from thinking about it.

Not only this, the thought of....... Sigh, it's just killing,

God is trying to lead me to somewhere new. I don't know if I can take it or if I can adapt.

I dislike changes, but changes are the path that god will take to show His glory.

Obedient, yes, obedience Kuen.

Today, mood is so so, thanks to the irritated throat, and cough. Got infected. I think it's the rain. I walked under the rain that day. Well.... 

Was walking through Niah Cave last week, what I enjoyed the most, it's the falling rain on the leaves, the sound, the melody of nature. Birds chirping.... Insects screeching. These are works of God, force of nature.

My last few weeks here? Perhaps? 

Currently, enjoying the air, the atmospher, the silence, the companion.

Who knows, it's going to be an end soon, and a beginning of something new....soon.

Signing off,

Blessed weekend.

Jeremiah 29:11.

shalom

人生的希望，不管在何时何处，只要与神同在。。所有都是幸福的。

I'm glad that god called be during times of despair, like I mentioned before, God is always the best comforter that one can have.

What's next?

Live on with life and conquer the mountain.

Sensitize my heart oh lord, strengthen my mind, be my armor.

Shalom. 

feel…devastated.

I have been devastated since yesterday.

 

yes, u might not understand why this small things makes me feel so….. wrong, but yes it does.

 

First thing’s first, the news that I got was about my placement after my posting.

ok, it doesn’t make sense if it bothers me, BUT! how I feel?

 

I feel like I have been a ball, being thrown here and there and just to fill in the current empty place!

 

and… currently its just DIC and Store.

mmm….. ok. what the hack.

 

the thing is!!! I feel devastated because his name is not being mentioned… T_T

 

and… this means goodbye.

 

I feel very very insecure.

If he doesn’t get to retain, I think I will be alone….

She has him-to-be.

left me….. trying to built my life over something else.

its so depressing. I just don’t know why…..

is this jealousy? depressed feeling? or just greed???

 

I really really don’t know. knowing the fact that I am NOT alone actually is just not enough.

Maybe I am too greedy.

 

and people keep reminding me about the placing, this and that…

stop it, please.

 

how I feel currently?

I feel vulnerable, weak, and emotionless. I’m too tired to feel. too tired to argue.

Talked to Carmen. Well, kinda confirmed that my name is being KIV-ed in Stor. so……what else can I say?

 

I feel like bursting out and scream out. how many times I tried to do that, but …. it just failed.

 

somehow, Carmen reminds me that God’s plan is to prosper me. well, Jeremiah 29:11, AGAIN!

gosh…

 

I still cannot figure out why this verse keep appearing. but.. if I really got what they say I will get, ….mmm….. its really God’s plan and God’s preparation for me to accept things that He knows I CANNOT accept IMMEDIATELY. that’s why HE keeps sending this verse as Rhema Words for me.

 

I am still emo, but more calmed. Tired mentally, and I have decided to go to church instead of mourning on my emotions.

 

I am so sorry that all these causes hurts to those around me but I mean no harm. its just me and my set “style” in dealing with problems.

 

Currently, I am very emotional. I have the thought that I will be alone like… FOREVER.

 

What he said is right, we have got to part at some point of life. and… I AM NOT READY FOR ALL THESE!

he made me cry yesterday, and he left lots of last words for me. T_T

 

I told him…. “I will be alone……. sobs… alone….”

he said “ nah, u wont be… promise me that you wont be antisocial ok? u knw she’s gotto find her happiness as well, and so as u….”

me.. “I want you to stay…. T_T”

 

I am sad of leaving, and I don’t  send people off!! and he said “well, we make a deal ok? if we get somewhere else and we will send the person to the place, and make sure that the person is ready and good to start a new life before going off, ok?”

 

me… “T_T…..”

 

the conversation is still bothering me…. very much.

 

He said “darling, you got to learn how to let go…. u knw. come to think of is, we come into this world alone, and will die alone as well…”

 

he just made things even worse.

 

its been 24 hours since I feel like crying every single minute.

 

As from me, as in how I feel….

I feel so sad…. so down, so……. not me… at all.

I don’t feel like talking about it. NExt,  DIC and Stor is not my cup of tea. BUT just now my pumpkin called, and she said “If this is what God wants to give, you will have to take it, and God has good plans for you!”

 

mind me… she doesn’t have a single clue on what I am going through, as I kept my lips sealed very well. didn’t even tell anyone though.

 

God sent angel to speak to me.

 

Maybe clinicals are not for me. that’s why He sent LKP to strike me down.

Maybe He wants me to learn something else, in benefiting His kingdom.

Maybe He knows I am lazy enough for clinicals, and I am better with management?

God… why you have so many MAYBEs in mortal’s life?!?!?!?!?

why cant all just being revealed in just a click!

 

u knw, GOD told me yesterday…. CLEARLY. “Sin is…doing something according to YOUR way instead of GOD’s way!”

 

yes, by hoping and demanding for something that I want is SIN.

 

Now, I am learning to surrender this issue, and surrender myself to Him in this matter.

I feel so tired…. and I need God’s hug.

really wished someone can hug me now, and just let me cry freely in their arms. *GMC, I miss you….. *

 

u might think it’s a stupid thing to worry about, just say …. errrm… I hoped too much? I demand too much? I expect too much?

 

from now onwards…. I wont live in expectations anymore.

What come may. and whatever it may be.

Que Sera Sera….

 

 

*phew, feel so good after pouring my heart out.* its been long since I do “complaining” post. I hope this will be one of the very last. *

 

 

signing off, with a surrendering mode to God. yes, I will fall anytime now…. this is the weakest moment I have.

 

Tomorrow will be a better day! =) YES!