Sunday…

Counting on my sundays?

 

Had a great lunch with sister, glad it didn’t turn out to be silence.. (which most of the time wont). haha.

 

Went to church yesterday and today as well. Planned to change my focus onto God. fully.

Well, I am still learning on how not to let obstacles be the hindrance to relationships. Tough act to follow, tough lesson to learn.

Ahhhh… SUnday, spent time with Ganesh, and sister. Supposed to take a nap but I need to submit some “stuff” to my boss. haha. so, now thinking on how to settle it. mmm….

 

Just wanna do some updates.

FGA is currently having YA camp in Genting, PEacehaven.How I wish I was there. HAving fun with my dearest, listening to GOd’s words, fellowship, and catch fire. ITs not that I didn’t catch fire here, but…. I kinda miss my home church. and GMC.

 

Today’s sermon is about catching fire, and not contempt the word of God by not responding to it. I think I have been ignoring it for some time, and causes my stagnancy.

The fire is still burning in me, but I am afraid in doing the things that I don’t think I can.

God wants me to build an army.. through the things that I am going through, and through my environment. I clearly heard that and seen that. God hasn’t give up. So shouldn’t i.

 

My cough is getting worse. =(

worse thing to happen in OPD when u are supposed to dispense the WHOLE DAY.

Sister is such a sweetie pie.Well, I know in all ways she wants to know me and she wants to know everything about me. Am I that mysterious? hahaha.

I am touched that she wants to protect me in the way that she could. mmm.. obviously I look more like the person who protects people instead of people protecting me. haha. but deep down, I have the same desire. I wished someone could protect me, offer arms when I need, lift me up when I am down, caress me head when I am sad, lend me a shoulder to cry on when things don’t turn well… mmm…. these…. are just longings. because, I am on tough act to follow. hahaha.

me, well known as a stubborn girl, but I have a soft heart. soft enough to die for people that I love.  =)

well, the thought of her “covering” me in OPD is as sweet as honey. ^^ that’s her way of caring and loving me, protecting me. I will commit this relationship to God as well, just like How HE mended mine and Sher, and Mine and LW. God be the centre of us.. our lives.

 

God has taught us to love our neighbour, and enemy.

I have been too judgemental and emotional about things that I see. Indeed, God says “thou shall not judge as you will be judged”

My mind is still all over the place.

 

Last Friday, its CME at 2pm.

bitter thoughts came to my mind…. my voice said “so… I have to bid farewell to clinicals….soon.”

I have the passion, but now, I just need to switch my passion to something else, (if the rumours are true).

 

I prayed about it. HE never fails, He gave me a vision. and I was on the way climbing to the peak of a hill, a mountain.

He wants me to conquer the mountain wherever I am. Yes, I will obey. Whatever that I will do in the future, I will make sure that I do my best, for Him.

 

at the meantime, fleshly.. I need to forgo my hope towards something that I like.

So sweet when HE actually tells me… “it doesn’t mean u need to give up on the things that u like…”

 

well…… again. we wont know what will happen until the time comes. Currently, I’m just gonna live my prophecy and leave all unnecessary greed, jealousy, emotions behind. Really need full strength to do so. Not easy. To let go is not easy. I’m just gonna let GOD this time.

LEtting go the people you love, letting go on the things you like… these are not easy tasks.

I planned to restart TKD in november, after finding a suitable centre. I will start my weekend life back.

It has been free and easy. Guess I need to take back some of the responsibilities and do the things that I love… once again.

 

SItting at this room, facing my 6 years old lappy, listening to kids laughters, the noise, the silence, the 4 walls.

Is it gonna end?

 

God, I just want you to lead me to where you are.

To where you are. yes… to the place where you are there, glorious and victorious.

 

 

I cant stop myself from counting the days that I will be here, or MIGHT be here.

 

Lord, just fly me up to where you are.

 

A live version of “TO where you are…”

by my fav, Josh Groban.

 

 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 

the promise that I hold.

Lil updates.

Weekend. A bit motiveless. But.... I am embracing the free time doing nothing,

Lots of things has been crossing my mind lately. 

Yes, Kuen is greedy. 

Somehow, I think the 'untouched' feeling is a feeling of disappointment, rebellion. 

Where do I stand?

Like I said, I have been feeling unsecured and still, these are all satan's temptations, I know. 

I should just let it be, let Him decide, I know. But I still can't help myself from thinking about it.

Not only this, the thought of....... Sigh, it's just killing,

God is trying to lead me to somewhere new. I don't know if I can take it or if I can adapt.

I dislike changes, but changes are the path that god will take to show His glory.

Obedient, yes, obedience Kuen.

Today, mood is so so, thanks to the irritated throat, and cough. Got infected. I think it's the rain. I walked under the rain that day. Well.... 

Was walking through Niah Cave last week, what I enjoyed the most, it's the falling rain on the leaves, the sound, the melody of nature. Birds chirping.... Insects screeching. These are works of God, force of nature.

My last few weeks here? Perhaps? 

Currently, enjoying the air, the atmospher, the silence, the companion.

Who knows, it's going to be an end soon, and a beginning of something new....soon.

Signing off,

Blessed weekend.

Jeremiah 29:11.

shalom

人生的希望，不管在何时何处，只要与神同在。。所有都是幸福的。

I'm glad that god called be during times of despair, like I mentioned before, God is always the best comforter that one can have.

What's next?

Live on with life and conquer the mountain.

Sensitize my heart oh lord, strengthen my mind, be my armor.

Shalom. 

feel…devastated.

I have been devastated since yesterday.

 

yes, u might not understand why this small things makes me feel so….. wrong, but yes it does.

 

First thing’s first, the news that I got was about my placement after my posting.

ok, it doesn’t make sense if it bothers me, BUT! how I feel?

 

I feel like I have been a ball, being thrown here and there and just to fill in the current empty place!

 

and… currently its just DIC and Store.

mmm….. ok. what the hack.

 

the thing is!!! I feel devastated because his name is not being mentioned… T_T

 

and… this means goodbye.

 

I feel very very insecure.

If he doesn’t get to retain, I think I will be alone….

She has him-to-be.

left me….. trying to built my life over something else.

its so depressing. I just don’t know why…..

is this jealousy? depressed feeling? or just greed???

 

I really really don’t know. knowing the fact that I am NOT alone actually is just not enough.

Maybe I am too greedy.

 

and people keep reminding me about the placing, this and that…

stop it, please.

 

how I feel currently?

I feel vulnerable, weak, and emotionless. I’m too tired to feel. too tired to argue.

Talked to Carmen. Well, kinda confirmed that my name is being KIV-ed in Stor. so……what else can I say?

 

I feel like bursting out and scream out. how many times I tried to do that, but …. it just failed.

 

somehow, Carmen reminds me that God’s plan is to prosper me. well, Jeremiah 29:11, AGAIN!

gosh…

 

I still cannot figure out why this verse keep appearing. but.. if I really got what they say I will get, ….mmm….. its really God’s plan and God’s preparation for me to accept things that He knows I CANNOT accept IMMEDIATELY. that’s why HE keeps sending this verse as Rhema Words for me.

 

I am still emo, but more calmed. Tired mentally, and I have decided to go to church instead of mourning on my emotions.

 

I am so sorry that all these causes hurts to those around me but I mean no harm. its just me and my set “style” in dealing with problems.

 

Currently, I am very emotional. I have the thought that I will be alone like… FOREVER.

 

What he said is right, we have got to part at some point of life. and… I AM NOT READY FOR ALL THESE!

he made me cry yesterday, and he left lots of last words for me. T_T

 

I told him…. “I will be alone……. sobs… alone….”

he said “ nah, u wont be… promise me that you wont be antisocial ok? u knw she’s gotto find her happiness as well, and so as u….”

me.. “I want you to stay…. T_T”

 

I am sad of leaving, and I don’t  send people off!! and he said “well, we make a deal ok? if we get somewhere else and we will send the person to the place, and make sure that the person is ready and good to start a new life before going off, ok?”

 

me… “T_T…..”

 

the conversation is still bothering me…. very much.

 

He said “darling, you got to learn how to let go…. u knw. come to think of is, we come into this world alone, and will die alone as well…”

 

he just made things even worse.

 

its been 24 hours since I feel like crying every single minute.

 

As from me, as in how I feel….

I feel so sad…. so down, so……. not me… at all.

I don’t feel like talking about it. NExt,  DIC and Stor is not my cup of tea. BUT just now my pumpkin called, and she said “If this is what God wants to give, you will have to take it, and God has good plans for you!”

 

mind me… she doesn’t have a single clue on what I am going through, as I kept my lips sealed very well. didn’t even tell anyone though.

 

God sent angel to speak to me.

 

Maybe clinicals are not for me. that’s why He sent LKP to strike me down.

Maybe He wants me to learn something else, in benefiting His kingdom.

Maybe He knows I am lazy enough for clinicals, and I am better with management?

God… why you have so many MAYBEs in mortal’s life?!?!?!?!?

why cant all just being revealed in just a click!

 

u knw, GOD told me yesterday…. CLEARLY. “Sin is…doing something according to YOUR way instead of GOD’s way!”

 

yes, by hoping and demanding for something that I want is SIN.

 

Now, I am learning to surrender this issue, and surrender myself to Him in this matter.

I feel so tired…. and I need God’s hug.

really wished someone can hug me now, and just let me cry freely in their arms. *GMC, I miss you….. *

 

u might think it’s a stupid thing to worry about, just say …. errrm… I hoped too much? I demand too much? I expect too much?

 

from now onwards…. I wont live in expectations anymore.

What come may. and whatever it may be.

Que Sera Sera….

 

 

*phew, feel so good after pouring my heart out.* its been long since I do “complaining” post. I hope this will be one of the very last. *

 

 

signing off, with a surrendering mode to God. yes, I will fall anytime now…. this is the weakest moment I have.

 

Tomorrow will be a better day! =) YES!

Emmanual, He is with us.

 

“we will not forget”—Desperation band.

 

I guess, when mistakes happens, all you need to do is just trust in God in mending mistakes that you have made.

Today, I give glory to God. because without Him, I wouldn’t have been back here.

 

I was reading back my blog post in the plane, while setting my mind straight on the things that had happened in just 20 minutes time.

Now I know why they said “Time is Gold, and life is so unpredictable, and Life is not LIFE if you don’t take risk!”

 

hahaha.

 

totally different, stupid, dumb idea.

 

anyhow, today’s sequence of events has left me feeling guilty. sigh.

Honestly, I am truly, truly guilty of what has happened.

 

No doubt, a good experience, but……. its eating my soul out.

 

These few days has been a blessing, and i still have the feeling of leaving Tawau. Don’t really know why, but sometimes, it’s the damn feeling which I cannot describe.

Sometimes, I just wished that I disappeared like that. DUSH. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing, but… it still need to happen?

No idea, sometimes I feel like I will be thrown off. After What my slutty sister have told me, I think I will be thrown away.

well, think about it, I don’t mind starting a new life with slutty sister though. woohoo! but the thought of leaving lost sister is just as sad as…….THAT.

I guess, I have been building my life around her. that’s why this creates the all emotion thing. mmm….. Come to think about it, lots has happened for the past one year, I am pretty much contented. I am closer to God, further from people, and I know what I want in Life.

 

God has sent me to SAbah, for my parents to accept me as a Christian, and what more can I expect?

 

God’s plan is perfect, just like JEremiah 29:11. Somehow, this verse keeps appearing to me.

 

Me, will not give up. For I knw, wherever that I am being sent, its God’s plan, god’s grace, God’s glory.

So, I can only commit my life to Him.

 

Reading back my post, I think I was quite a jovial person in nature. yes, WAS. now, I think I sounded more depressed than ever. Gosh.

 

The past few days.. will be a memory that I will cherish. Miri-Brunei-Bintulu.

guess the most important is memories, well, sometimes I do feel abandoned, but… I’m used to it. HAHAHAH!

 

Now, TAWAU! Let me enjoy you for the last few weeks!!!! *just in case I have to leave*

 

Joshua, Sher,… I miss you both so much.

 

T_T

 

COunting days to go back KL.

To Him be the Glory.

 

the previous post, is sort of like a prophecy of what happened after that.

 

Its been long since I wrote a poem. I thank God my idea came back, and the poem is for Him.

 

Emmanual,Shalom, agape.

 

thank you for the Rhema words.

As if all is well planned

As if all is well planned.

Obstacles appeared, my faith is challenged.

He seems so far away, but he said 'I am near'

He emphasized 'You can't see me, doesn't mean I am not there'

'Trust in me with all your heart' He says.

In the plane, and flashbacks are everywhere.

I could not believe that things that has happened, and it just did.

Still couldn't recall and understand 'why all this!?!'

My faith is challenged, and my trust shakes.

He is faithful, and he always does.

Knowing that I am despair, and lose my sight and trust,

He keeps reminding me 'I am not seen but I am here'

He tells me that He is near, near and glorious.

Victory is the one I have gained?

With all the money spent, but lives saved?

These are the things that I can't understand.

What logic behind all these insane events?!

'For god so love the world', I must believe.

He loves me, and I do too.

Let this be a lesson learnt in life,

Let this too be His glory that shines in my life.

My faith is never the same.

Putting puzzles together with all the wrong things,

Hunger for His love, and his plan reigns.

Let his glory shines all over this place.

What can I say? His love never fails.

the truth.?

 

This post… is inspired by Ganesh… again.. no, its not him actually, its actually by the song  <I dreamed a dream>

 

Got a super sad news today. well, I have no freaking idea why I call it <sad>. Maybe because it’s the unwillingness to say goodbye to sister, and tawau.

because currently I feel unappreciated, and an excruciating feeling of heartache. At the same time, I am feeling glad that I had a high chance to leave this place.

cries are just for a few moments. I can endure.

Just wanna describe the feeling of feeling unappreciated. it doesn’t feel good. I guess, besides people saying.. “kesian Dellynn….” nothing else they could say or do.

 

I take note of this post, because if things are not the way I think it will end up as, I will remember why people don’t appreciate my presence, at work.

 

so, currently, negativity rules over my feelings. mmm…. not a good time to talk, not a good time to express my feelings, because its all tempted by evil.

 

I feel like crying after talking to ganesh. well, he never fails to make me see things from the other way round. He is sometimes full of nonsense, but I like the way he is.

 

I like the way he said to one of the ppf….. “orang yang baik baik kamu tendang, orang yang tidak baik dan ada masalah kamu simpan…”

 

lol. HE is trying to protect his view! haha. I love it!

 

Right now.. yes, right now, I feel very….. heart ache la. pain in the inside, but there’s no one that can understand me.

talk to her? well.. she is the subject in this matter, and I am trying to make things sounded as positive as it is. mmm…. who knows the pain behind the smiles? and behind “its ok… no worries, just start a new only bah…. God will have greater plans for me!”

 

yeah, no one know what the small fragile heart is going through.

Speak out? nah….. there are things that we better swallow it ourselves rather than to say it out and share. why burden people with unwanted rubbish?

 

listening to <I dreamed a dream> is just so depressing. hahaha. Susan Boyle, u did it. =)

 

“darling, you need to let go…. u knw, its not forever….. someday, someone’s gotto go.”

 

yeah, I was being naïve… thinking that staying for people’s sake is very GRAND, EGOISTIC. haha. end up, I challenged God’s decision.  “Its either here or elsewhere.”

 

As for me and my house, I will live according to His plans, His will.

 

Actually I thought of writing my last words during my “so called” last few weeks in tAwau.

 

Ganesh is right, there is a reason why we were never being given any responsibility. HAHAHA.

 

wanna know the truth?

 

Actually, in the beginning of the log book submission, I felt the same way. knowing that I am not gonna stay, or be retained because I leave a “good” name behind.

 

aiya… parts and parcel of life. that’s why I have been numbing myself with the possibilities of me not staying, though the only persons in the house that I will miss are them. both of them.

 

I still feel like crying.. flashing the moment that I have to leave. but chatting with Ganesh made leaving easier… he just dissected sabah and the people and friends who are there, which made leaving easier. HAHAHA.

 

 

tmr is a brand new day. lets start it brand new.)

 

 

So, there goes Susan Boyle’s . Lovely song.

 

 

I dreamed a dream……

 

God will maneuver my life.