Wednesday ^^

Good morning to all.

CNY is around the corner, well.... no atmosphere.
Firstly, i havent bought anything for myself.
Secondly, it feels the same.I just cant wait to go back only.


How am i feeling these days? good, never been better. I cant wait to go back to my family. How is my life here?
good. Work place is the place i can be myself.
haha.

Mati Karan has become one of the significant trait in Tawau. Well, electricity cut is just a normal thing here, and thank God for autosave!

I was doing some WORD docs before Mati Karan. gosh... i was like "SHIT"!

like i said, thank god for autosave. =)

Yesterday i made myself an awesome dinner. haha. cooked rice with KangKung. (cheap bah... HELL NO!)

and made grilled Tuna.woohoo.
Marinated with Sesame oil, soy sauce, and minced garlic. the taste is just perfect!

Why am i still closing up?

sigh... i don't know.




I'm only comfortable with certain people now.

I think i have split introvercy-extrovercy personality. Now, i just wanna stay home for as long as i can.
at time, i wanna go out.
at time, i wanna spend lone time.


This morning, colleague's mum made fried rice for me. I feel so privileged. Its not my mom but its HOME COOKED FOOD!

T_T

so nice.....

I really miss my mum at times like this, no matter how good and how tasty my food is, it still cannot beat mum's cooking. ^^\

Bro is planning on a roadtrip this coming cny. maybe Penang-ipoh. hahah. I think it will not jadi but i still HOPE they will consider!


I finally found my destiny here, and found my purpose. To educate the patients here medically. I think kampung needs people to educate them, and they need to be more health conscious. my effort alone is not enough, but i will give my best for everyone that i dispense to.
I wanna give quality in my dispensing.

This is the thing i wanna achjieve here, since i am placed in Sabah, i wanna give my best to the people here. It might take up to 10 years to create this awareness, but i wont give up, i will fulfill my duty as a pharmacist here. =)


Its lunch time, its time to spend some lone time. ^^

God, i wanna give thanks to you for everything that has happened. Especially in giving me enlightenment in my job, my relationship, and my life.
I dont know what will i being lead to down the road, but i'm gonna trust you. because, it gives no harm in doing what i'm doing now. =)

Thank you lord for your Love.

and i will learn to forgive.

short update

It was a fruitful weekend spent. with a heavy slap of Revelation from Pastor Phillip Lyn.

" If you don't forgive, You are not forgiven"

I am hurt because promise not kept, and rejections.

ahh.. I'm learning how to accept myself again, and learning how to love and forgive. Baby steps.... I want to forgive!!! I want to be normal again.

Last weekend was a fruitful one! I met up with new friends, Soo ching, Soo Ting,  Melissa, and my girls, Steph, Grace, Sher.

New people gives me new happy kinda feeling.

Met up with ITS, Charissa. AWESOME DAY OUT!

and its all randomness.
I guess the best thing ever is to spend time with Sher... and meet up old friends. ^^ and not forgetting, my Sarania! oh.. this girl is very special... I miss her so damn much!

See? by stepping out, i realize that my world is so big. this is not big, but considered big. At least bigger than tawau. ^^

I really feel lucky to be placed in TAwau, and to be able to visit my dearest friends there in KK. but Living in KK has high standards , entertainment, and more stuff to do.

I think the best part besides spending time with my girls, i met James Gen Yuan. The most normal conversation that i have ever had with him. He is always a good brother in Christ. and.. we met in church! hahaha!

Overall, my trip was a good one, and i really embrace relationship and old friends. =)

just a short update because today is a busy day. =)

thankful

*yawns*

I'm very much a sleepy head now.I had a fruitful event yesterday.  I think i have found the suitable CG for me.

^^

I guess this is like a blessing in disguise after all that have happened to me and my house. lol.

Retreats and trips... soon to come!

I woke up late today, thanks to yesterday. lol. Besides CG, i have a great time hunting cockroaches in Amanda's Place. i was home after CG and she called me...... to save the day. gosh.

Anyway, she is such a darling.... hahah. and i am known as the pest control of her room. OMG.

Had a busy day yesterday, worked till 5pm sharp. First time.

I'm amazed by the kangkung issue which has been popped up by the Prime Minister. A bit redundant because of all veggies, he chose Kangkung! (Water SPinach). haha. Anyway, it was a good laugh and Malaysia has become the laughing stock in the international arena.

I was examining myself yesterday, I guess God is removing this part of flesh of mine (hc) away so that i can do greater things for Him. He knows this attachment is unhealthy... thats why. Well, If i were to re-live the past one year, i could have set the boundaries well, not too attached.
Just like now. I'm pretty much comfortable with myself, doing the things that i like without restrictions. pretty much liking it.

Yeah, honestly... the idea of the jerk is together with sister is still a very yucky thing to me, knowing of what he had done. *vomit*

Dont care la...Maybe if it doesnt work, she needs to learn it through the hard way, If it works, then good la. I'm not her mother to breastfeed her. LOL. *what the heck*
nah, i still care, but i dont wanna show it d. pretty much ignorance but not ignorance. more to caring in my own way.


ok, dont wanna talk about it d. Sakit Hati, tawar Hati. and now, my hati berbunga-bunga to meet my dearest this weekend! hahahah.
Actually, I'm glad i made the trip to meet sher last month, and I'm glad i made trips after that, regardless alone or with friends. I just feel blessed. ^^
Sort of found myself after that. and.. thanks to YM who knows i'm building walls, and feed me with God's words from another perspective. =) Praise The Lord.

This year, I wanna walk closely with God, with a bunch of new brothers and sisters in Christ. I think God wants to expand my network last year and this year He sent me to a new community, and more to come.
I am excited for God!

This weekend, I'll be attending Skyline SIB. mmm...This time, If i meet Jessie Foo, I will talk to her! hahaha. ^^

Thursday... and this weekend will be a fruitful one. Same goes to next weekend also! =)


When can i watch MAndela..... T_T tonight? maybe?
haha...


Good day to all of u!
and thank God today's number of patients still ok. ^^ not too much, not too little.  Yesterday was a bit more than usual. but i like the busy-ness.
Mmm.... no cravings tonight, maybe steamed chicken, with wolfberry! and soup. =)


God, thank you for everything! for all the heartbreaks, all the downs, and the ups. without it, i wont know that You are always and ALWAYS at work in our lives.

mere updates on 8-9 jan =)

So, i did something nasty this morning. when i think back.. urgh.. why did i say so!?

anyway, no regrets ha. haha.


ya, i got a bit irritated this morning, maybe because of lack of sleep? and... the quality of the conversation|?

anyway, drop the issue. I blame myself because i'm building serious wall.
ha.

last night was a blessing! i met up fellow colleagues for dinner, then went for CG.. gosh, i think this CG is somewhat similar to Connexions! and at least we talk about SCRIPTURES!
ok, first impression---> checked and passed!


Then, i was in Taste 2 for supper with the usual kaki. We chatted and chatted like there's no tmr! lol. AWESOME!
ok, i now certify myself as a person who needs social boost to live my days!

Well, there are days also that i feel like staying at home, doing nothing....
and currently i feel so. ^^

I feel like sleeping. thanks to the late sleeping.


I have internal struggles. Currently, i guess the percentage of letting go is reaching 70%. Yea, i dont know if this is the right way, but... I'm comfortable. at the same time, i'm struggling in between God's words too.
God says love, I am rebelling.

Love God and love others is a challenge to me. ITS SO FREAKING HARD!

T_T


No one could understand me, and behind the smiles are walls, thick walls. except to.... Ms Mel. haha. I feel that i need someone to vent out in TAwau besides Sher. Sher is always my best venting machine. Really thank God she didnt give up on me.

I was just telling myself. "har.. my life used to be restricted due to extreme love and tolerance, and i feel that my whole world is just at home and my dearest sister. Now, after all the war and all that shit that has happened, thanks to always finding out that the jerk is a jerk, i finally let go gradually,and ...my world widens! and when i look back, i kinda feel sorry for myself for missing out so many fun, bonds, and relationships. well, I am slowly finding my world back and becoming who i am forced to be and supposed to be, all thanks to that JERK? haha... so, when will be the time when the jerk feels that the world has gotten away and he has nothing but her? when the time comes, he will feel that his whole world is only her, and the rest just gone... and will he experience what i experience now a few years down the road when someone else step into her life? "

when i reach the last part... i wish him torn and broken. lol. i know its bad to have vengeance, but i think.. if that day really comes, i will actually sympathized him and happily tell myself  "been there done that, and i'm glad i'm out of it!"

now, still in the process lar.... I want to be normal again , so badly, but my conscience just doesnt allow. Somehow i will have a "limit wall" which automatically shut down when it has enough dose of conversations, enough dose of everything about it.
that is why i am struggling very very hard between reality, and God's words.

I still feel a bit burdened, not as much as few months ago. I can say that i am doing well with this NO STRINGS ATTACHED theory.

I feel so free, i can do anything i want, and i dislike people take my time for granted. I dont like people to assume that i am free and they can just do whatever they want and just slot me in.

"A promise kept is respect earned"

Sorry... respect has been ruined... in this case.


Happy to say that i'm occupied. I cook whatever i want, go wherever i want. Ask me in advance if u wanna date me, I'm not so up to last minute SLOT IN plan anymore.

PS: I AM NOT A FLOAT or SECOND HAND ok.



Whats the purpose of this year? it was asked during CG discussion.

mine is "to love God and love others" . This is my biggest challenge and i have decided to start slow, one step at a time.


^^

Lord, give me the shield of truth, and the armor to face whatever i am facing. Help me to love You and others more. I pray that Lord will close the door of anger and irritation in me as well... and give me the strength to hold it closed when Satan attacks! In JEsus name i SHALL NOT BE DECEIVED!!!

AMEN!

random updates

How's life people?

Its my second week of work. Things are doing fine with me. lol, should be other way round, I'm fine.

First week of work was a bit busy, with new year holiday in between and reports to rush, but thankfully its all done.

I'm still blur on what am i supposed to do this year. ANYWAY, leave it first.


People has been leaving day by day. They just leave... and i wish i would have left too...sometimes.

Because I'm kinda tired being treated like a float, and a second hand. I'm supposed to be the first hand , and i always know that i am the first hand in HIS eyes.

haha.. life bah... kan?!

Actually, i'm kinda enjoying my life now without asking anything, without knowing anything. my last rant was to GAnesh, last Saturday night before he left to Semporna.
Thank god he is a good listener, and talker. but that conversation that night is more on me venting out my anger. I'm so sorry that he has to be in the middle of all these. lol.

Someone can even notice that i am building walls towards people despite my friendly and jovial relationship with others.  oh my.... obvious? well, at least i dont think so!

Amanda always tell me "you still got us!" LOLs


I have to agree that with my alone space, things are better that way. No strings attached, say NO whenever necessary, and no more responsibility. The only burden i carry now is me myself. but... thats not a problem, because i can just sleep my burden off myself and i can handle it myself. haha.
I can stay in my own space as long as i want.
i can sleep as long as i want.
I can lie on my bed as long as i want, as early as i want.
i dont need to talk if i feel like shutting up, i dont need to smile when i dont want to.


Therefor, this is not going anywhere. haha. yeah, i wanna challenge my own personality now.  Wage war against it.

I am still in nauseated mood when i see ***. OMAIGAWD. God says love, and i am sinning.
because, i feel yucky to see them la. like i said, Keningau trip really opened up my eyes, and i really really hope the truth will change.

anyway, i dont wanna talk about it anymore. i wanna focus on my own life.
I'm getting better in entertaining myself now. like seriously! dont need to restrict myself on food.. (tolerance can be a bitch).
I dont need to restrict my circle of friends.. (tolerance can also be a pain in the ass)
I dont need to restrict MYSELF! GENERALLY! (tolerance can ruin lives).

AHH... like i said.... KENINGAU I LOVE YOU for changing my perspective, and thank you for being a place where i found what i love!
I'm still gonna embrace travelling alone, and travel everywhere! Perhaps i should go somewhere this weekend. ^^.. randomly. as long as i am OUTTA HERE!

mmm..... where should i go this time.....?i believe the idea will come when the time comes. haha.



Rejections has made me become a firmer person in decisions.

and PEOPLE!!! YOU OUGHT TO  LEARN HOW TO SAY NO!!! to protect urself.


I have left myself too  vulnerable. Yes, she indirectly change who i was to who i am now. Hurt too much, too deep.


and... DONT MAKE A DECISION BECAUSE OF A PERSON! THINK OF YOURSELF FIRST!

the most expensive lesson I have learnt.

by end of this year, if its God's will, I will leave Tawau permanently. Say goodbye to Tawau permanently and start somewhere new. (depends on what's Amanda's plan). hahah!


and... i am really really awakened now. I was lost and sunked in dunno what kind of shit a year ago till i neglect people around. So infectious wei.... anyway, cant blame, its my own choice, and they tend to draw u away from the crowds. HAHAHA!
introverts (extreme one) are so dangerous. Now, i dont wanna endure the patience, endure anything anymore. Live to my own standards! woohoo!


 I'm starting to dream of my dinner tonight d. i cant wait to go back and cook! i guess after tonight's dinner, I'm gonna miss ah ma more. Well, i will reward myself my playing   from Mayday as a remembrance to ah ma. (my grandma). 
Though i will cry, i will finish the song, with my Yuki.


God, give me the strength to war against my personality and mould me, dont let me fall deep into SAtan's hand.


Keeping my dear pao pao, YMCA in thoughts. ^^

GoD, ALLAH.?

Reading on the News regarding the raid of  Bible Society Malaysia in Damansara (BSM), i am so disheartened because of the disharmony in practicing religion in Malaysia/

Why JAIS is at their sane mind to do so?

As a country with multiple races, we ought to be in peace with each other, and using "ALLAH" in bible is nothing wrong to me!

yes, there are portions of Sarawakians and Bumiputeras who are working in Peninsula, so... what is the right of the government to allow usage of ALLAH in half of Malaysia, and the other half can use it?

Sarawakians and bumiputeras who are Christians still use BAHASA MALAYSIA in their worship. MEANS.. when they land in Peninsula, they cannot use the word ALLAH?

come on!!

wait....

means in Selangor, none of us can sing our STATE song anymore.

"...ALLAH lanjutkan usia Tuanku... Rakyat mohon restu...."

So, usage of ALLah for non-muslim... does it really cause such great devastating impact? are we (christian) or non MUSLIM  who say the word "ALLAH"  equivalence to disrecpect towards Islam?

My humble opinion... no. It does not.

I live in Sabah for a year plus, and i'm from Selangor.  

In Sabah, there are no problem at all for us Christian to use the word ALLAH because it is the term we use for GOD, our Almighty God. 

To me, it is a respectful act when non-muslim actually mention "ALLAH", because its an act of courtesy. ALLAH means GOD, generally. 

Since when ALLAH become an ISLAM thing?

We are like the laughing stock of other country's citizen by debating on this issue, as this is fanatical. Yes, we are a muslim country, but..... what about freedom of practicing religion? freedom of speech?  Why violate THE CONSTITUTION of Malaysia? 

Rakyat has the right for all these though.  Because, we own the country, and we have the right to choose WHO to run our country.

and it is insane for the government to allow half of the Malaysia to use ALLAH, and the other half can't. 

I guess, its time for our "beloved" PM to say something. Make a decision, a wise decision which is satisfying and stern for the nation.

Malaysia, I have always asked  "What have you became? the country that i poured my blood, the country that i serve.....  The country that i love..."

2014 is the hike of everything. I believe, this is the climax, the turning point for a new upcoming ruling system. My dear government, you have broken all the promises made before 505, well.. i just can't wait to see more promises being broken and people being violated. 

I love Malaysia, definitely not the one managing the country. 

how i feel. Last post. NEW YEAR 2014!

First post of the year!

ok, was shocked by the message i got. Honestly, i am comfortable this way!

Let it be? haha.

I am very much comfortable like that. well, i guess she doesnt know why things become like that and why am i acting this way.

its all because of accumulation of rejections and broken promises. I think only Rabia understands how i feel. 

The relationship i had with hc was like attachement kind of relationship, and when she got attached to a guy who has a double face, 2 lives, i got pissed. Because.... i get to know lots of things which probably she is still being kept in the dark. 

The meet up in Keningau makes it worse, the guy is so f***ED up. seriously. 

well, Love is blind. i supposed.

I dont wanna know anything about their relationship anymore. Everytime i get was rejection when i ask for dinner or what-so-ever, always "oh.. i might go dinner with him... " this and that. not only this la... a lot more. Like i said, balancing up between relationship and friendship is very important and i feel abandoned most of the time, and ..... she probably didnt feel it. Like i said, my priority was her , and now... my priority is MYSELF.

enough is enough!

Asking is not what i will do anymore. HENCE, I'm just gonna indulge myself, indulge in activity that i feel good, till .... she learn things through the hard way and when she realize the world ahs gotten away from her, she will come back...?\

mmm... i am cruel in this sense, but.. when i have done what i could, all that has left is her and her learning process d. 

Easy way has been turned down, now.. left HARD WAY.

all the best. 

I've been living good, working with a bunch of lovely and heartbreaking ppf, haha. they are so cute!

Life indulging in pampering myself in food.

watch movies whenever i want.

sleep whenever i want.

do WHATEVER i want!

no need to think of her, whether has she eaten, has she this and that.. bla bla bla.

she has him enough d la. Who am i wor? Just a passerby i suppose.

I'm taking real slow to find the distance back, really slow... baby steps.

up to a year? maybe? because the shortest also 3-6 months. but me.... i dont hope, i dont expect anymore loo...... especially to her. 

Good or bad?

To me, no expectations means no disappointment.

so.... Rach was right about this long time ago... she always scold me "stupid, why u expect too much? if you dont expect, you wont disappoint!"

and one thing that i always wonder....now. Why was i the only one who is always digging? i know you but do you know about me? do you know anything about me?

what i like, what i love, my hobby, my passion, the food i like...etc..etc... my attitude...

ok, maybe i expect too much. because... ONE FREAKING YEAR IS NOT ENOUGH TO KNOW A PERSON!

speaking the truth.... I am tired la, for always wanting to know people deeply, digging.. and... the only person who really digged me was Sher, and Linda, and RAch. They know me well, didnt abandon me, learnt through the hard way as well to endure this relationship/friendship, never leave me, love me for who i am.

Since Rabia told me "Dellynn, you should learn to love yourself first, think about urself before others, you cared too much and got emotionally attached too deeply and like bf-gf kinda relationship, so now... you can distance away. and there are 2 ways if you wanna keep this friendship, either you be normal, or indulge in what you like, and take ur time  slowly to be who you were. Our mind is very powerful, make yourself up, tell yourself today's gonna be a good day, smile, and feel good. you can see the difference and how you feel."

New year, my first resolution is the love God, and love myself more. The rest... i;m sure with God, things will turn out well. ^^

I still care for her, but i'm not showing it. because..... i'm still recovering from all the broken hearted moments. 

i can just wish her well, and be there for her when she needs me. (though i think all she needs is him ONLY currently, so...)

TONIGHT! I'm gonna have simple dinner and rest earlier! ^^ 

previous days's meal was awesome. YUMS!

the steak, the rice, the salmon, chicken. OH MY......

Have a great year ahead!! 

hugs to all of u. ^^

this is my last rant... well, if she reads it, then... read lo. its merely how i feel. ^^