Long post… about my feelings.

I seriously dun care who’s reading my blog.

I wrote about my work, how i was stressed and all..

I wrote about my relationship with others…

If i love someone, I’ll say I Love you.

If i dislike someone, I will express it in my blog and say I dislike you in an indirect way.

Well, I knw I knw, All of us should think before we post something on our blog.. but, we have freedom of speech and freedom to write.

Not to say i think too much, I knw “someone’s” is reading my blog, and i reckon that the “person” knw what am i feeling and how am i feeling. haha!! what do you expect? My blog add is everywhere…. In friendster, In facebook, on my MSN, and..even on GOOGLE!

Until now, i have no regrets on what i wrote. Yeah, If i say I miss you, I mean it. If i say I LOVE YOU, i mean it. If i say I’m stressed and I’m searching for a way to think from the other aspect, I MEAN IT!

 

Tht’s why, to some extend…i feel left out. Anyhow, this is not the major problem to me. Me? As long as i am true to my feelings, and i will find a way to alter the way i think.. for sure!!!

I almost collapse on October. My dear DAtin asked me to think from the other way. I tried.. and i’m still trying.

I still need time i guess. For now, the unwillingness to start everything is still there. I can say that it is still strong in me. The feeling of unwillingness is VEry very strong…

I knw, you might not understand how i feel… You might not be in my shoe to experience my feelings. All i can describe is, for the very first time in my life…I felt like giving up….

Never before, I thought of giving up. Trust me, I’m not a quitter. Now, my job now is to bring my NEVER QUIT spirit back.

I can’t find the objective of me staying. Seriously, till some point, i feel lost.. Lost in NOwhere.

Trust me… Once, NEVER in my life I ENJOYED STUDY STRESS more than anything!!! yeah, study stress is much “lighter” compared to what i’ve experienced months before.

 

So, if you’re reading this and you feel that you are the one who involve in this rebellious feeling of mine, I wanna apologize to you. I’m really sorry to make you feel this way… SOmetimes, I just can’t help it. I need to find the meaning to carry on.

Everyday i pray to GOd so that He will show me the right way to my feelings. Maybe, it is not the right time yet for HIM to give me what i should have. Well, HE always knows what’s best for us and always give us the right thing at the right time.

I always believe in that.

To be honest, I am not over the feeling yet. I”M NOT OVER IT!

IF you want me to go back and start everything, start my activities on my weekends, I still feel reluctant.

Not at all i wanna step into my weekend’s life for now. Seriously… NOT AT ALL.. for now.

I don’t really ask you to understand my feelings. I knw no one can, this is the accumulation of all failures, all incidents that had happened.

Once i was proud of myself. Now, I am sick of myself… and i am finding all the opportunity to runaway on a one way ticket… which i knw i can’t.

Lots of thoughts of giving up crossed my mind. I feel like living as a normal student again. Normal as in.. I have my family day, I have my sibling’s day, and i have my study daY.

You can’t imagine how important my parents, my siblings, and my friends in my life. I love them with my true heart and i would sacrifice anything just to be with them, especially my parents and my siblings. I would never say NO to them before i’ve even try. Eventhough it is out of my capability, i will still try my best to help and solve their problems or to search solutions for them.

THis is ME. YEah, this is ME.

This is a deadly attitude. I think this is why i came to fall into this situation that i’m facing it now.

 

You know, Life is so wonderful where you can wake up whatever time you want, and you loved ones will be there to ask : “hey, you just woke up… wanna go for breakfast? want me to make breakfast for you?”

haha… maybe it is just a simple thing la… but, it seriously means a lot to me.

The picture of Ojisan Peeling crabs for me flashed my mind. It touches me.. He knows i cannot bite, so he peel the shell off and gave me the meat. How sweet??????

He knows all my bad habits and all my single details… HE knows that when i burp continuously, it means that i’m super hungry. haha!!

Another Obasan, who has almost the same level of thinking as me.. just tht she is a bit “naive”.. Gosh, i hope she wont kill me.. haha!! It is good to have ppl to knw what you are thinking… It is very scary at the same time too.. cuz, my mind is being raped!!! LOL!

nah, i dunno how to describe things between us, but it is ALL WONDERFUL thing. seriously, I mean it, WONDERFUL. Of course, I appreciate every single thing she said, it might be small, it might be tiny sometimes, it might be unnoticeable sometimes.. but believe it or not, i notice it most of the times. This is because, the way she thinks is a bit different to others especially those at her age.. Those who dunno her will feel annoyed, but those who knows her, they will be happy to knw how sweet she is.

erm.. dun treat me like a les les k? I am not!! I dun play tht thing de le… LOL!! (joking joking) hahaha!! Just that I treasure every moment with my siblings. Why? cuz their time is GOLD!!! you knw how hard to SEE tHEM??? and how occupied they are?

They are attached, I am not. That’s why….. haha!!!

 

In a nutshell.. (owh, i miss this phrase…), I LOVE THEM LOTS!!! seriously!! LOTS!!! will even die for them! =) seriously, I would die for them if that is the choice to make them live.

Okay, I’ve BLAH a lot here.. still, i still have to find ways to find my feelings back. My dear siblings, what is your opinion? I seriously need advise on that.. cuz i dun feel like talking to my folks… They will relate some different thing with it in the future, and i hate it.

I feel like giving up on my weekends… I dunno whether i’m tired.. I seriously dunno why… Perhaps, enlighten me? please?

Or.. is it time for me to take a break? or to change my environment?

 

knw what… aku tak sampai hati… tht’s why i’m in this kind of situation. I feel guilty if i do so…..

 

Gah.. time to study a little and sleep. It’s almost 240am.

Promise, i will never think nonsense on midnight after today. =)

 

thanks for even bother to read this long post.