I've fucked things up... hon-to Gomenasai..

It's almost 11pm now...
i've been lying on my bed...closing my eyes..thinking... and i cant help it by tearing...
heartache.....


i feel bad for fucking everything up...
my normal life,
my bro...

and i cant even be with him when he leaves. nope, it's my choice to not be at home.

i'm very moody today, really. i am.

Slept quite late yesterday, around 3am.. cuz i was planning and discussing about my bro's To-DO list. Gosh.. he hvn done most of the things.. so, i was sorting the list yesterday night and checked the things he needs to prepare after i came back from butterfly park, it was before 12am.

so...

this morning.. i was awaken by my mum, cuz i need to fetch her to work. Feel very sleepy.. summore loaded with my bro's thing.. cuz WE know! he cannot do anything on his own.. i was very bengang d... even in the morning, i was chatting with my mum, i felt angry with my bro, and disappointed with his attitude.... haiz... worried about my bro...
dunno whether he can handle things on his own onot.

that's why, i woke up early in the morning to buy stem, go to the bank, post office, buy PTPTN pin Number... and... he sleeps till 9 something!!!! my gosh!
of cousre la i bengang!!
still, the photo hvn developed yet! shit!

i was very agitated. i called him and spoke to him with a high tone.. asked him to wake up and get everything done!

so....

i came home after i did all the things and try to log in the PTPTN website.
Fuck! cannot daftar!!!

then mana tahu... it's already closed and need to wait till July.

shit.. wasting my time.
again... mismanagement by my bro.

Thank god we've checked through the things yesterday midnight! if not....
DARN man! most of the things he hvn done!

haiz.... what will he be without me and my mum?
Stupid....

I was very very very agitated.. that's why, i postpone my date with Yolk to JJ to buy Cheang's bday gift. haiz....

After settling all his things, and he'd certified all the documents, then i can sleep(nap)peacefully at last.

I really thought a lot of things....
and...i became more moody.

I feel guilty, i would say.
i felt guilty for treating my bro that way, since he is leaving 2mr.

and i've done things that i shouldnt be doing.
I'm really sorry.

that's why, i really have no mood....and nap. Dunno why, sadness just conquer me... and.. yup, i cried.alone.. to sleep.

watever msg tat comes in... i wish i could just throw my phone off... but i didnt. cuz it was something important, i couldnt afford to ignore it.

Stupid.. i'm really really stupid.

I feel like i'm alone fucking up my stupid wonderful life.... talking some shit which i'm not supposed to talk..

Yup, i'm damn guilty now.
I dunno how to face my world anymore.
i dun wanna feel it again la. It's hard for me to recover with a smile.

and.... there are some things which i still cant accept...
like... my bro's attitude for these few days....

It's my fault. I'm the one who caused these shit to happen.

Honestly, know how i feel now?

I feel FUCKING TERRIBLE! MISERABLE!

yet... i still hv to smile and face everything peacefully.

sorry ar.. this blog a little rude. cuz i really cant stand the feelings in me. I hv to write it out.

I've fucked everything up, seriously....

and i wont force myself to accept things that i wont accept. I wont force, but i'll learn to try.


I've remembered wat WennIyng said. :" I dont like to travel with 3 ppl, i like to travel with only 2 person..including myself!" Fiona:" har...so lonely...? the more the merrier ma....but hv to find a group which is NGAM la.."

Me? i'm in silence.. I nodded when wenn iyng said the sentence above. cuz.. i agree with her.

that's why... i rather go alone if i were to go with another 2 person. Unless it's with my family..then it's different.

I'm weird.. The way i think is totally different.
I prefer to be independent.... rather than dependent.

that's why....
i cannot stand my bro.

but... what can i get from feeling this way?
he is leaving soon.

I hope he'll be ok there...alone la.

and 2mr....

DArn...
another day which i think i've Messed up.

I still need time to accept... but not in this way.
really... not in this way.

too bad la...
My feelings sucks today...
so, everything is moody to me...

and i did not eat a single thing from morning, till now..
cuz why?
no appetite,
and as a punish for what i've fucked up.

Please Forgive me.....

Once and for all.....

I'm really sorry...