random updates

How's life people?

Its my second week of work. Things are doing fine with me. lol, should be other way round, I'm fine.

First week of work was a bit busy, with new year holiday in between and reports to rush, but thankfully its all done.

I'm still blur on what am i supposed to do this year. ANYWAY, leave it first.


People has been leaving day by day. They just leave... and i wish i would have left too...sometimes.

Because I'm kinda tired being treated like a float, and a second hand. I'm supposed to be the first hand , and i always know that i am the first hand in HIS eyes.

haha.. life bah... kan?!

Actually, i'm kinda enjoying my life now without asking anything, without knowing anything. my last rant was to GAnesh, last Saturday night before he left to Semporna.
Thank god he is a good listener, and talker. but that conversation that night is more on me venting out my anger. I'm so sorry that he has to be in the middle of all these. lol.

Someone can even notice that i am building walls towards people despite my friendly and jovial relationship with others.  oh my.... obvious? well, at least i dont think so!

Amanda always tell me "you still got us!" LOLs


I have to agree that with my alone space, things are better that way. No strings attached, say NO whenever necessary, and no more responsibility. The only burden i carry now is me myself. but... thats not a problem, because i can just sleep my burden off myself and i can handle it myself. haha.
I can stay in my own space as long as i want.
i can sleep as long as i want.
I can lie on my bed as long as i want, as early as i want.
i dont need to talk if i feel like shutting up, i dont need to smile when i dont want to.


Therefor, this is not going anywhere. haha. yeah, i wanna challenge my own personality now.  Wage war against it.

I am still in nauseated mood when i see ***. OMAIGAWD. God says love, and i am sinning.
because, i feel yucky to see them la. like i said, Keningau trip really opened up my eyes, and i really really hope the truth will change.

anyway, i dont wanna talk about it anymore. i wanna focus on my own life.
I'm getting better in entertaining myself now. like seriously! dont need to restrict myself on food.. (tolerance can be a bitch).
I dont need to restrict my circle of friends.. (tolerance can also be a pain in the ass)
I dont need to restrict MYSELF! GENERALLY! (tolerance can ruin lives).

AHH... like i said.... KENINGAU I LOVE YOU for changing my perspective, and thank you for being a place where i found what i love!
I'm still gonna embrace travelling alone, and travel everywhere! Perhaps i should go somewhere this weekend. ^^.. randomly. as long as i am OUTTA HERE!

mmm..... where should i go this time.....?i believe the idea will come when the time comes. haha.



Rejections has made me become a firmer person in decisions.

and PEOPLE!!! YOU OUGHT TO  LEARN HOW TO SAY NO!!! to protect urself.


I have left myself too  vulnerable. Yes, she indirectly change who i was to who i am now. Hurt too much, too deep.


and... DONT MAKE A DECISION BECAUSE OF A PERSON! THINK OF YOURSELF FIRST!

the most expensive lesson I have learnt.

by end of this year, if its God's will, I will leave Tawau permanently. Say goodbye to Tawau permanently and start somewhere new. (depends on what's Amanda's plan). hahah!


and... i am really really awakened now. I was lost and sunked in dunno what kind of shit a year ago till i neglect people around. So infectious wei.... anyway, cant blame, its my own choice, and they tend to draw u away from the crowds. HAHAHA!
introverts (extreme one) are so dangerous. Now, i dont wanna endure the patience, endure anything anymore. Live to my own standards! woohoo!


 I'm starting to dream of my dinner tonight d. i cant wait to go back and cook! i guess after tonight's dinner, I'm gonna miss ah ma more. Well, i will reward myself my playing   from Mayday as a remembrance to ah ma. (my grandma). 
Though i will cry, i will finish the song, with my Yuki.


God, give me the strength to war against my personality and mould me, dont let me fall deep into SAtan's hand.


Keeping my dear pao pao, YMCA in thoughts. ^^

GoD, ALLAH.?

Reading on the News regarding the raid of  Bible Society Malaysia in Damansara (BSM), i am so disheartened because of the disharmony in practicing religion in Malaysia/

Why JAIS is at their sane mind to do so?

As a country with multiple races, we ought to be in peace with each other, and using "ALLAH" in bible is nothing wrong to me!

yes, there are portions of Sarawakians and Bumiputeras who are working in Peninsula, so... what is the right of the government to allow usage of ALLAH in half of Malaysia, and the other half can use it?

Sarawakians and bumiputeras who are Christians still use BAHASA MALAYSIA in their worship. MEANS.. when they land in Peninsula, they cannot use the word ALLAH?

come on!!

wait....

means in Selangor, none of us can sing our STATE song anymore.

"...ALLAH lanjutkan usia Tuanku... Rakyat mohon restu...."

So, usage of ALLah for non-muslim... does it really cause such great devastating impact? are we (christian) or non MUSLIM  who say the word "ALLAH"  equivalence to disrecpect towards Islam?

My humble opinion... no. It does not.

I live in Sabah for a year plus, and i'm from Selangor.  

In Sabah, there are no problem at all for us Christian to use the word ALLAH because it is the term we use for GOD, our Almighty God. 

To me, it is a respectful act when non-muslim actually mention "ALLAH", because its an act of courtesy. ALLAH means GOD, generally. 

Since when ALLAH become an ISLAM thing?

We are like the laughing stock of other country's citizen by debating on this issue, as this is fanatical. Yes, we are a muslim country, but..... what about freedom of practicing religion? freedom of speech?  Why violate THE CONSTITUTION of Malaysia? 

Rakyat has the right for all these though.  Because, we own the country, and we have the right to choose WHO to run our country.

and it is insane for the government to allow half of the Malaysia to use ALLAH, and the other half can't. 

I guess, its time for our "beloved" PM to say something. Make a decision, a wise decision which is satisfying and stern for the nation.

Malaysia, I have always asked  "What have you became? the country that i poured my blood, the country that i serve.....  The country that i love..."

2014 is the hike of everything. I believe, this is the climax, the turning point for a new upcoming ruling system. My dear government, you have broken all the promises made before 505, well.. i just can't wait to see more promises being broken and people being violated. 

I love Malaysia, definitely not the one managing the country. 

how i feel. Last post. NEW YEAR 2014!

First post of the year!

ok, was shocked by the message i got. Honestly, i am comfortable this way!

Let it be? haha.

I am very much comfortable like that. well, i guess she doesnt know why things become like that and why am i acting this way.

its all because of accumulation of rejections and broken promises. I think only Rabia understands how i feel. 

The relationship i had with hc was like attachement kind of relationship, and when she got attached to a guy who has a double face, 2 lives, i got pissed. Because.... i get to know lots of things which probably she is still being kept in the dark. 

The meet up in Keningau makes it worse, the guy is so f***ED up. seriously. 

well, Love is blind. i supposed.

I dont wanna know anything about their relationship anymore. Everytime i get was rejection when i ask for dinner or what-so-ever, always "oh.. i might go dinner with him... " this and that. not only this la... a lot more. Like i said, balancing up between relationship and friendship is very important and i feel abandoned most of the time, and ..... she probably didnt feel it. Like i said, my priority was her , and now... my priority is MYSELF.

enough is enough!

Asking is not what i will do anymore. HENCE, I'm just gonna indulge myself, indulge in activity that i feel good, till .... she learn things through the hard way and when she realize the world ahs gotten away from her, she will come back...?\

mmm... i am cruel in this sense, but.. when i have done what i could, all that has left is her and her learning process d. 

Easy way has been turned down, now.. left HARD WAY.

all the best. 

I've been living good, working with a bunch of lovely and heartbreaking ppf, haha. they are so cute!

Life indulging in pampering myself in food.

watch movies whenever i want.

sleep whenever i want.

do WHATEVER i want!

no need to think of her, whether has she eaten, has she this and that.. bla bla bla.

she has him enough d la. Who am i wor? Just a passerby i suppose.

I'm taking real slow to find the distance back, really slow... baby steps.

up to a year? maybe? because the shortest also 3-6 months. but me.... i dont hope, i dont expect anymore loo...... especially to her. 

Good or bad?

To me, no expectations means no disappointment.

so.... Rach was right about this long time ago... she always scold me "stupid, why u expect too much? if you dont expect, you wont disappoint!"

and one thing that i always wonder....now. Why was i the only one who is always digging? i know you but do you know about me? do you know anything about me?

what i like, what i love, my hobby, my passion, the food i like...etc..etc... my attitude...

ok, maybe i expect too much. because... ONE FREAKING YEAR IS NOT ENOUGH TO KNOW A PERSON!

speaking the truth.... I am tired la, for always wanting to know people deeply, digging.. and... the only person who really digged me was Sher, and Linda, and RAch. They know me well, didnt abandon me, learnt through the hard way as well to endure this relationship/friendship, never leave me, love me for who i am.

Since Rabia told me "Dellynn, you should learn to love yourself first, think about urself before others, you cared too much and got emotionally attached too deeply and like bf-gf kinda relationship, so now... you can distance away. and there are 2 ways if you wanna keep this friendship, either you be normal, or indulge in what you like, and take ur time  slowly to be who you were. Our mind is very powerful, make yourself up, tell yourself today's gonna be a good day, smile, and feel good. you can see the difference and how you feel."

New year, my first resolution is the love God, and love myself more. The rest... i;m sure with God, things will turn out well. ^^

I still care for her, but i'm not showing it. because..... i'm still recovering from all the broken hearted moments. 

i can just wish her well, and be there for her when she needs me. (though i think all she needs is him ONLY currently, so...)

TONIGHT! I'm gonna have simple dinner and rest earlier! ^^ 

previous days's meal was awesome. YUMS!

the steak, the rice, the salmon, chicken. OH MY......

Have a great year ahead!! 

hugs to all of u. ^^

this is my last rant... well, if she reads it, then... read lo. its merely how i feel. ^^

Last blog of the year. *excited*

EXCITED!


why?


Because....

I finally found light in treating myself a meal which i have never done before! ok, with some help from Aunty Jane and some research from my best friend, google!
I can't wait to go back for dinner. seriously!!!

This year, I plan to pamper myself!


ok, lets keep it as a mystery for what am i gonna prepare. haha. I have confident that it's gonna turn out good! woohoo!

Its gonna be a binging night. ALONE! i can't wait to spend some quiet and quality time alone at home, embracing with my meal and my passion towards cooking.

Its time to try new stuff. hehe...


TMR.... a day to pamper myself as well!  haha...

I'm so tired, i think i am deprive of sleep.. and i have a feeling that i need to go through a detox session next week. ^^


This weekend will be a hiatus for me, celebrating the start of my first weekend here. I think, its time to sit still, and observe, and to listen to the Voice within, quietly.


I have even thought of the first meal of 2014 that i'm gonna have tmr! hahaha!



*listening to Westlife, the exact same album makes me think of my last trip to Miri, how fast things can change within a few months.... and its for my own good. So far, i have no regrets for things that i have went through and the things that i have done, because... i am a person who never regrets on decision i made. thats me*

In the coming new year, i don't wish to change any good thing i have, but to improve myself, get less attached emotionally to people, live my own life according to my standards, get rid of the bad things and habits i have, be not cold and defensive to people, don't harden my heart further, and learn to love my enemies.
and... a breakthrough in my travelling life. ^^ as well as in the walk of Christ. =)

The rest of the ships which are temporary and never lasting, stay away. BEcause, i can't stand another heart break! HAHHAA. (yeah, u should open up my heart and see how wounded it is)


NEW YEAR 2014!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm letting Go........ ^^

Urgh...please!

Please... Dinner? Together? Thanks but no thanks.

I would rather die at home alone, die of good food, die of liquor..than meeting the thorn of my eye. Urgh... I feel so nauseated thinking about it.

Tmr... I feel like ditching the plan to FIRE. Lol. But I know I need to go.  Haha. New Year with a bunch of crazie people. LOL.

I can't wait for next month.:) haha... Seriously, next month!!!!^^

Today, I feel joy, firstly, objective achieved. Cleaned the house alone and cooked! It's exactly the meal that I crave for!^^ simple but satisfying, I cooked it with love. 

In life, we have to think for ourselves first. Because that's the only way you won't get hurt.  I have been thinking about others too much, overly done, and now,,, I realized that I am happier when I start to think about myself.  Put myself before others. Do what I wanna do, say no to whatever that I don't like, say yea to whatever that I wanna do. This is awesome. 

Following my heart^^ (thanks Rabia me Sher for this precious advise)

Don't blame me for my coldness, you earned this. Don't blame me for my stone heart, it can't be revert now... Only God can melt it.

Faced some problem at work, but through experience and days where god has blessed me with ability to stand firm on my own ground. 

I realize myself to be more firm than before, I dare to offer, I dare to say no, I dare to negotiate, I dare to NOT give in.

Thank you heartbreaks for all this! Seriously!:)

Tmr...will be a greater day.:) 

Mmm..... Shopping will be done tmr!:) guess I'm gonna reward myself on food tmr.:)

This year no glutinous rice ball for Winter Solstice, but... I have my own pampering recipe this year!:) gonna be back early to shop!^^

Good night! 

*enough booze of CSI->Binge!*

Time for books now!^^

random writes.

What does it sounds like, when you sing heaven's song?



I'm occupying myself with trips, and trips.

this weekend will be hiatus for me till i fly off again on 17.=)

Got that Chrsitmas note from hc, mmm.. can say that i am ignoring? or still finding myself to come back at the right distance.

I am glad i met Rabia... and i am glad i made effort to meet people, it really fills my soul up. because i gain insights with different people. There are days i wanna spend it alone as well, just like silent treatment for myself. Yeah, i dont feel like talking if i do feel so. but i hardly fall into this kind of mode. haha...

For the past few weeks, meeting people has been part of my life.  From new friends, new bosses, different races, different places to bondings + friendships.
Wow,,,, i really thank god for the days that i spent with them!

Just done with paper works, urgh.. never liked it. but i'm glad that i learn stuff!=)

Its raining cats and dogs here, and my mind is running wild with mum's cooking. yes, i didnt pack lunch for myself today. Anyway, thinking of rewarding myself tonight with my crave. I am craving for korean food. but sadly, no korean food here. Mmm... there is one place though! haha. its time to go back there again after so many months. =)

I'm feeling good these days, in the mood of resting, and cleaning my house. Yes, tonight's the night la. ^^ gonna clean and cook some food for myself because i reckon that i will wanna stay home and watch movies after cleaning the house. ^^


I'm so sleepy... heavy rain, and cold weather.


I miss cooking.. i mean home cooked food. lots of times where i am so tempted to just cook Maggie but i know i cannot break my JUNK RULE. no junk for me.  =)

Today is kind of busy for me, what about you?


I'm taking Yuki to another level...
Next month, if the time overlaps, i'm gonna perform in Semporna for fund raising. hahaha! *big dream*

Process...

A year plus in tawau.

It's gonna be the festive season again.

Not excluded, this year I'm spending it alone, with my house. Hahahaha.

Pathetic? No? Yes?

I don't know. But I kinda enjoyed it.:)

No strings attached. 

This house is just a house to sleep. No more chattings, no more fellowships.

Things will change!? I have no freaking idea.

I have not packed my stuff for tmr. I'm going away. Can't stand anymore, but I need to go find peace.

As a solo traveller, I'm bringing my daughter and HIM with me this time.

I thank god for everything that has happened. Without all these, I can't find myself, I can't find back my passion.

As much as others are obsessed with their life, and their partner, I'm obsessed with my own life as well.

I'm living young and free. Yeah, free. 

My mind is still replaying the broken Christmas promise of her to me, and I need to know from others that she is off to sdk for Christmas, left me here thinking 'what happened to our Christmas?'

It's just too heartbroken to rethink it again and again, anyway, this Christmas will be a special one for me!!!:) I know.

Currently, I'm too lazy to speak, I'm too tired to talk. I will rather indulge in my own life.

Whatever it is, like I mention.. Demoting process on!

I still wash my face with tears every morning while I drive to work, I am still hurtful and sad. BUT! I am now tougher, in me.

Just booked flights, I'm leaving off as often as I could, I don't wanna spend another day or weekend here mourning, gilak. I can go crazy.

I'm gonna spend time as much with those who really worth my time. 

For me, there is no more dinner dates from her, no more dates. Haha. Well, it's good that she has someone else to take care of her.*trying to be positive though that guy is a jerk in other's eyes* nevertheless, none of my business! Yippee!

I don't reject, I don't accept. I will just stand in neutral ground.

Damn... Hungry. Movie was awesome just now.^^

I really miss Tim, Linda, Sher.... I love them so so so much. My dear brother and sisters. Ahh... How I miss 2012 with them...

Just star gazed and I was so happy! Splendid view!;) 

I'm so hungry.... And... Practically no one actually care whether have I eaten d onot. Like I said, life changed.

I'm off responsibilities, and off alone. Maybe better off alone also.:)

I can't wait for days to come!

^^ 

Good night people.:) gonna feed my hungry stomach.

The Voice finale is awesome!!!!

God, i thank you for all the pain and sorrows, that I see light now. Without all these, I won't soar and live for You. Please take care of sister hc as I am not  gonna be there for her all the time now, but lord I promise you that I will still be there if she calls, and love her my own way. 

Pray for me that I will hear you more often. Thank you for your words this morning whole I cry in the car, lord you are always comforting.

Pray for direction for me, Tim, Linda, and sher. We all need guidance from you. Open our eyes to see and to know that you hear us and lead us! Open doors for us if that is the path you want us to go.

Pray for those in my thoughts, that you will love them and guide them in their daily life. May you bless them with wisdom in their respective field.^^

Forgive the sins that I have done. I am still sinning everyday, lord, teach me how to be more like you. Break the wall in me, melt my heart to learn how to love again. Shield and strengthen my heart from all evil attacks.

Lord, I love you. Thank you for everything, I bless you lord.^^

Amen.