Cruel.

What is normal? What is abnormality?

I realize that my home life has been a bit out of place. 

Am I being rebellious? 

Are things still normal?

I have no idea. But what I comprehend now is I'm gonna do what I want, what He wants. And build my happiness. That's all.

I'm not gonna ask till someone asks me. U know, sick and tired of being rejected. 

And when I feel so, I feel like I'm gonna collapse. But,,, well, god is always with me. 

My life has been great. Did some reports today, dispensed a little, read a little, life is so ar all well, guess I enjoyed my life more than anyone else does.

I'm not pure, not naive. I can fake a smile but still feel bitter. 

Well, I guess I just need to pull myself away in order to find the right distance to come back. Currently, I just feel like distancing myself.

I'm closing up though. Doing thing very surface. Guess I need time.

Yesterday was great, had a great chat and fellowship with her. I'm glad I ditched movie. Because I feel uncomfortable. I rather spend time talking and catching up than watching movie and be bitter. I rather watch alone. Hahaha.

Me? I'm starting to respond to His voice now. Yes, next year will be a big year for me. I have big dreams to achieve. After all, life is just me, myself and I.^^

Me and her were talking about marriage, she reminded me again to find a godly man in life who can lead you and mould you. Happiness with non Christian partner is just temporary, because if he/she don't  know how to love god, he/she will go astray.

Aiya, I can only be there for sister if she needs me. IF...she needs la. Cuz most of the time now she doesn't. Well..... Life.

I guess if she realized how less time she spent with me. Haha. Nah, I don't feel abandoned anymore, because I have decided to be cruel in my way, to myself. I'm comfortable this way, rejecting people, meeting people that I wanna meet. 

I did something that blowed my own mind yesterday. I bought a few flight tickets and I will go off. My main trip will be in May! Stay tune! I can't believe I did that, solely believe its Him who give me the signal now,I'm moving on.

Tonight, no stars, can't do star gazing. Sigh. 

Lord, I put everything before You now. I don't wanna care, don't wanna mind, don't wanna think about anything but just you and only you.

Speak to me, Your will, I just wanna go Your way. Teach me how to love and forgive. Teach me how to deal with people that hurt me. Teach me how to start a new....

I'm surrendering all to You.

Short script

Start to build the distance. Not far, not near. Just that I am doing my own things. 

Work was good the past week. I'm just gonna do my part. 

Yesterday night was good. Spent time with people that made my life in Tawau meaningful.

Today, on a road trip. My photo taking sessions failed this morning, yet, I have another star gazing mission to do these few days. 

Road trip was good, tiring, but at least something to do on a Saturday. Well, kill my time by writing something. I am blessed than god has answered prayer on house. Stress relieved, but the stress of packing starts.

Gonna start packing these few days.

I dunno what will happen in the future months when my clams are gone, life will be different definitely, but I won't stop building my life. Maybe existence of some people will made a stigma in my life, but life goes on.

Still gotta accept the fact that all of us are passer by for one another right? The key is to not get too close to people, it makes things easier.

I'm happy today because it's considered contented. 

I'm in an ignoring stage, only take in what I wanna know, what I wanna hear, what I wanna see. Will start with this strategy before I progress to someone better. Currently, I am searching for my comfort zone. 

I was always being reminded on why am I being sent to merotai. I believe that god cares about how I feel, and He has greater plans for me. I'm just gonna run with my visions, and do what I want and change my perspective on things. Will learn..... And I am learning. 

Occupying myself on tasks, meet ups, sleeps. Because I believe, when moments are gone, it's gone. That's why moments are precious. 

I don't regret what happened, I will step forward and walk even braver than before. 

Like I said, old me will be gone. I hope so. New one will emerge.

God, I rely on You to raise me up, and mould me once again, to who you want me to be.

Another day without interaction.

I guess, what I longed for after a long day working in merotai is to spend time recharging myself by spending time with people, and have good and quality time.

So, I am an extrovert right? Being at home being bitter drains my energy and I cannot take it.

Today is my first outbound CG. I actually quite enjoyed it because I finally seen some light in my spiritual growth. Medical camps, activities, togetherness. I dunno.

Will see how it goes. But a CG definitely need a pastor to lead and to teach, and share.

Someone actually cared for me, becaus I requested prayer for journey mercy. I drove 90km/hr average and they said its dangerous. So Mel and YM restricted 60km/hr for me. Omg. It will take forever for me to reach.

Hahaha. They keep on re-emphasize on 60!!!!

So nice of both of them.^^

Well, the Only regret today.... Didn't talk to sister at all. We are like from different time zone. Ok la, humans born alone, and will reach heaven alone as well.

I got complains to do, wanna discuss about the house, but.... Sigh. So, i need to take it myself first before i release it to her. I am so broken in this matter...

Whatever la. I will just rely on God.

Today's work was good. I think I need to pick up lots of things. Anyway, dispensing is good also, when u always think that u don't wanna be in OPD setting, sekali now I am dispensing antibiotics and syrups daily, and doing reports which I dislike, managing staffs just like in Retail which I dislike, doing ordering of stock and make sure med is sufficient. See!? Be careful of what u wished for.

My leg got worse. Jamilah said 6 weeks to recover. Gosh... 6 weeks.

6 weeks without sports! How can I survive!?!?? 

God, u hear my cry. You know everything about me, and I know You will give me the best You can! Faith.... Just gonna trust in You.

I'm tired. If everyday is the same as today, there won't be any interactions anymore. 

Lord, stop me from self destructing. I guess, it's just 10mins. 

Good night people. My eyes are dropping. 

Lunch-at-the-counter.

I miss lunch, I miss lunching with people.

Anyhow, I think the reason that i am transported to KKMB is clearly shown. Besides fated to be alone. God definitely wants me to learn something here.

Plus, why me and Ganesh got deported? Haha, the good reason behind is left for u to think.

Mode: sleepy, lunch just died and I prefer sleeping. Phobia as well, but going strong. Longing for accompany, and acceptance. 

Found a new mode to release emotions, my Yuki. Like I said, she is the most faithful companion ever. 

I have always feel that I am here, fighting alone, with Him. 

'I am always there...'

What does this means?

Can't I just deserve a bit of time? Pumpkin knows how to do this well. I really appreciate that she knows how to put me into her time. But, it took us time to feel so comfortable with each other.

I miss her, and I am always there for her when she needs me. So does she. Seriously, when I first emt her, I dunno this relationship is gonna progress till this stage. 

Mum called and glad that her health is okay.^^ now, left my grandfather, next month.^^

God, continue to less my family abundantly!^^

Now, my current stress is finding a place to stay. Housemates are hard to find, and houses are hard to find, it seems like god is wanting me to wait for his timing as well, just like how I got to know I got klinik kesihatan instead of hospital setting. 

So, I can only wait, and look around. By end of this month, still no answer, then....I dunno what to do, what to expect d.

God knows what I am thinking, how I feel. 

Maybe He needs to teach me how to hand,e things and trust Him at the same time, 

My heart is aching la, thinking about me and sister. How in the world things can turn out this way!? It's all my fault. And... I feel like I'm being tossed away, I'm a person of action, but too bad, not all show action. I just need to expand ,y frequency to MEASAT I think. 

I need a break...from feeling this way.

Sometimes I wish to just disappear, don't care about anything. But I just can't, it's too irresponsible.

I can't run away, because I think God has a lesson to teach me here, that's why I am still in Tawau. And I can't seem to learn it.

I can't wait for 13/12/13. I'm running away to KK that weekend. 

Argh.

I'm scattered, see the things that I write, it's every where.

Anxious, anticipation, these wont add one more hour to my life, so..why feel so. Right?

God's words, I will hang on to it.

CG tonight. God, I need a support group who can feed me spiritually. 

Amen.

Such a beautiful view from my counter...;)

Tide

'You'll only know you love her when you let her go'

Searching for houses is like a pain in the ass because now I feel like I am going no where.

Trusting that god will provide...

This is what bothers me currently.

Was emotionally unstable again yesterday. Sigh, caused some hurts as well. 

I'm so lost of idea until I dunno what to do.

Perhaps some intention and attention? Staying away from me doesn't solve anything. 

Lord, just 2 weeks. I pray that these 2 week's evil temptation won't rule over me and You will bless me with a clear mind to know what is right and what is wrong.

Speak to me all the time. 

I commit the house issue onto your hand, lord bless us a house or a housemate. 

Give me determination not to give up, because I found out that I am prone in giving up in tough situations. 

And I'm just gonna pray till you give me the answer. 

Amen.

I guess I should give myself and others a chance to turn into a new leaf.

Right?

T_T 

The balance ..... Where are u?

I need to try harder....:S

Still disappointed but now ignorance, haha.

Two posts in a day. Abnormal.

I am going to play an ignorance part now on.

I'm going to do whatever I want now, and everything that I love.

The rest of the nonsense, stay away.

My leg made me bad mood, urgh.

I'm so tired.... 

Chatting with my dear pumpkin made me feel that relationship is such a badass.

Single is the best.

People has their own life la. I need a cool down period to pull everything back. I am definitely shifting to  more ignorance now on. But... I will still be there if they need me. Just like how I treated pumpkin and the rest of my close ones.

Currently finding a house, and my future plan is not me alone.

Merotai has changed me, I wish to change to a better.

Kthkabai!

Respect. Brother Ivan showed me this. He enlightened me. Respect.

Instill 'respect' into your freaking mind KUEN! 

Disappointed.

I thought I could have spend more time with her... The whole night at least, uninterrupted. But things don't happen the way that it should.

Maybe I am too sensitive. But...

Ya, I won't ask anything d. I'm gonna be occupied with my own stuff and the rest, just stay away from me.

Yuki is still the faithful companion. 

Well, I feel like crying because I'm a person who appreciates quality time and I feel like I'm being intruded. But whatever la. 

She could have said tonight is just for me right? Quality is just gone with the wind.

My mood wouldn't be so bad if I'm not being intruded that way. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

No point crying over this kind of nonsense.

Wan, I'm so emotionally imbalance. 

Now, I'm still at the verge of caring less about things d.

Sigh.... I just need to calm myself down and move on with my life.

Is it his presence made things so complicated?

Yes! 

I think she should also respect time with friends, and time with him.

I feel like a float.

Kanasai....I feel so shitty.

Aiya, don't care la. 

At some point, I feel like staying alone d. With no one to care, no one to take care. Don't care about me, and don't care about others. But.....I am Concern on how is she gonna take care of herself when she is not with him?

Maybe I care too much. Kuen, u are awful. U are so menjijikkan.

It's time to move on? Hahaha. 

Calling houses and more houses, and more rooms...and more rooms. This process is so tiring. 

Yuki time, Yuki is still the most faithful companion.... 

I'm disappointed la, but it's ok. I cannot be too selfish and I really hope that they will be happily ever after. 

But I really wished that when I am out, the time will be just for me, not halfway. I really don't appreciate that. You can have other days with other people. Killing 2 birds with one stone is cool but I feel it's unfair.

Ok, enough said!  I'm not ready to make nice! At all! *urgh*

Like I said, when I ask a person out for dinner or being asked out for dinner, I expect quality time till the end of the day. But... This will never happen. Not everyone will say 'oh, sorry, tonight is for XX, and I will call u later when I am back/I will date u some other day'. This is kuen's way, doesn't mean people have to follow this way.... Right!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is call 'too high expectation.'

The old kuen, u will be buried as day goes by. New one will emerge.

It's time to say goodbye..at some point.

Yuki!!! I am coming!!!^^